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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my DH bullying me or is it me?

45 replies

rylansteeth · 30/05/2014 23:26

My DH sulks a lot. I am a SAHM as due to DH's job which involves a lot of travel and long hours it is virtually impossible for me to work round his hours, and if I worked during the day when the DCs are at school then all of my earnings would be eaten up with wraparound care and holiday childcare. Also I currently have a terminally ill grandad, and my nan isn't in good health so I take her to visit him a lot and spend a lot of time helping my nan with her housework, shopping etc. I do all of the housework, childcare, cooking, laundry, shopping etc, and feel like I "earn my keep".

DH used to be lovely but gradually as I have been a SAHM he has been less and less respectful towards me and got nastier and nastier, and at the moment I feel like I'm being bullied constantly. His behaviour consists of him sulking for days on end with me, and then when I try to tackle his sulking or try to sort things out all kinds of things come out of the woodwork and he shouts at me about things that I have done or haven't done recently. To put it in a nutshell, he wants me to just do as he says all the time, no questions asked. He won't back me up with the children, and undermines me if I try to get them to do anything. He gets huffy if he asks me to do something and I take too long or find it difficult. We were in the car the other day and he asked me to get something out of the glove box and he got angry with me because I took too long. I just feel on edge all the time.

We have been away since Monday on a mini break and he has been moody and sulky the whole time, even though it was his idea to go away. I've asked him several times why he's been moody and said to snap out of his mood and he's just retorted each time that he's not in a mood, but that it is me who is being moody. Which hasn't been the case at all as I have tried to have a nice week for the DCs sake. Nothing I have done has been good enough, and he's just looked for opportunities all week to nit pick and to trip me up.

Today we came home and he was in a foul mood for the journey home. Tonight he's said he's moody because he's tired, and I got upset and said I am fed up with having to walk on eggshells, and he again said that it is me that is grumpy and that I am a cunt and he then came out with various things that he has told me to do lately that I apparently haven't done. He also said he is fed up with working and that it is all my fault because he has to work because I don't. He has always said until now that he doesn't want me to work and likes the dynamics as they are.

I just feel like I cannot win. I can't stop crying and he has said it's all my fault and has gone to bed. :(

OP posts:
CailinDana · 30/05/2014 23:29

He sounds like a bully. Sorry.

Chocaholicmonster · 30/05/2014 23:32

Hello, Rylansteeth, I didn't want to just read & run but I'm sure someone else more useful will be along very soon.

I do want to add though that in your first paragraph, it's like you're justifying why your a SAHM... You don't ever have to justify yourself. To anyone.

This mans lack of respect for his wife is disgusting.

big hugs

badtime · 30/05/2014 23:42

Wow, what a prick he is.

If you did go back to work, would he expect you to cover all childcare costs out of your wages?

Original poster
rylansteeth · 30/05/2014 23:42

I'm glad to hear that you both don't think that it's me. I think he gaslights me tbh as I always end up doubting myself, and I have found myself thinking "Have I been moody this week?" but I know that I haven't really.

He just seems to want to be horrible all the time to me. It used to be an occasional thing, now it's a lot more regularly.

Last night we went out for a meal and 4 year old DS said he needed the loo. As DH was sitting next to him and generally takes him to the loo when we're out and about, I assumed DH would take him but DH just looked at me and said "I'm not taking him, you will have to do it". It wasn't a problem, and I took him, but tonight DH accused me of making a big deal out of it?! He then kept on saying things loudly whenever he felt I'd said something wrong when we were eating and looking round at other tables as if waiting for them to tell me off.

He also has always tried to 'play fight' me but in reality I often end up getting hurt, and he won't stop when I tell him to.

OP posts:
Original poster
rylansteeth · 30/05/2014 23:43

We pool all our money together badtime, so theoretically it would come out of our money, but I guess I just think it would be wasteful to miss out on time with the DCs just to do a minimum wage job (rather than a career job) and not benefit financially from it at all.

OP posts:
whilewildeisonmine · 30/05/2014 23:45

Is he always this way? Do you feel you can talk to him about how he makes you feel? Do you think it would bother him if he saw what you've written here and knew how upset you are?

CocktailQueen · 30/05/2014 23:45

None of this sounds nice, or in any way how I'd want my dh to behave, he called you a cunt?? Shock that may be a deal breaker for me! how disrespectful!

He sounds vile, op. I'm sorry.

Original poster
rylansteeth · 30/05/2014 23:47

I have tried so many times to talk to him but he just says I am trying to cause an argument and cleverly finds a way to turn things back on me all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
rylansteeth · 30/05/2014 23:47

I just can't stop crying tonight :(

OP posts:
Joules68 · 30/05/2014 23:49

My ex was like this..., which is why he's an ex! I couldn't face the thought of teen years with the dc and him and then being left to cope with him through old age

Much happier without him, feel bad for you tho. Know how it feels to be on eggshells all thd time. Yes, he's a bully

cozietoesie · 30/05/2014 23:51

He's a bully. It's not you.

By the way- do you think it might be possible that he has someone else he's seeing?

mameulah · 30/05/2014 23:58

If I was you I would tell him to leave me.

Put it back in his court. You sound like you are both having a hard time, but it does sound as though he is dumping it all on you.

maras2 · 31/05/2014 00:02

You poor woman.He's a pig and a bully.'Playfighting' is abuse and will escalate to hitting,punching etc.How disgraceful to call you a c**t,what a vile thing for anyone to say let alone someone who's supposed to love you.You should start making plans to be a single parent.It won't be easy but I do fear for your safety.

Annarose2014 · 31/05/2014 00:07

This is shocking. He talks to you like you're one of the children.

wigglylines · 31/05/2014 00:29

He is bullying you and it's very unlikely to get any better. It will most likely get worse.

You need to make plans to leave him IMO.

You have tried to talk to him about it, you've given him ample opportunity to change. He hasn't even accepted he's the root of the problems, in fact he's trying to shift blame to you. You cannot win this, he does not want to change.

IMO you should give up trying to talk to him about it and instead make plans to get yourself and the DCs away, before you lose all confidence in yourself, and your DCs learn that relationships are about people being nasty or putting up with being bullied.

Rightallalong · 31/05/2014 09:22

Don't leave your home under any circumstances.

Ask him to leave.

He is definitely a bully. He may well be fed up with work, but it's no way to behave.

My recently ex DP was like this and guess what, I did nothing and now he's run off with a work colleague.

Seriously, he is abusive to you. Research your options and position and get him gone. Don't let him destroy you even more by finding someone to flaunt as 'better than you' on top of everything else!

Good luck OP.

Original poster
rylansteeth · 31/05/2014 13:17

Every time I try to discuss anything with him he says I'm trying to cause an argument. I have tried this morning to talk and he said a load of horrible things and then when I questioned him he said I was causing an argument and he wasn't in the mood for it! He makes sweeping statements about things and then wonders why I get upset!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 31/05/2014 13:22

It's the playfighting that got me.. playfighting where you get hurt will get harder and harder the more contempt he has for you. I remember that from a long time ago, it just sneaks up on you :(

I agree, it's time to research your options before he flaunts an affair under your nose.. none of this is good for your kids.

Original poster
rylansteeth · 31/05/2014 13:26

I think I may start by getting a job. My friend works in a care home that takes on bank staff so that may be suitable for me as I can just work when he's home.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/05/2014 13:28

he is abusing you

It isn't you, it is him

I would also not be surprised if there not OW on the scene. His contempt for you seems immense.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2014 13:28

was not

SolidGoldBrass · 31/05/2014 13:33

Yes, this is abuse and it won't improve. He is treating you like this because he enjoys it. It makes him feel good to see you upset, scared, desperate to please him. It's all about putting you in your place.

I suggest you have a chat with Women's Aid about how to end the marriage. It is likely that he will have to move out of the family home though it may be that a court will order the home to be sold - a solicitor will be able to help you on this.

Good luck. You can do it, But it's important not to waste time or energy on looking for a magic button to press that will make him change. He won't change because he doesn't want to.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2014 13:37

With respect, love, a casual job in a care home is not going to solve your problems for you. Going off past form he will sabotage it anyway by making himself unavailable to watch the kids at the last minute, because he wants you isolated, self esteem shot to pieces, no place to turn

Start talking to the professionals and get out of your marriage. The only way this situation is going is down

Corygal · 31/05/2014 13:38

What a nasty little man. I'm with the others who suspect an OW, whether or not she's materialised yet.

It might sound bad but if you split, you're not exactly missing much.

Phineyj · 31/05/2014 13:44

You sound completely normal and reasonable (and also kind, to be supporting your GPs). I won't dignify your 'D'H with a description. The way he is behaving does sound like he is comparing you to someone. You can't win with someone with an agenda.