Is my DH bullying me or is it me?

[rylansteeth]

My DH sulks a lot. I am a SAHM as due to DH's job which involves a lot of travel and long hours it is virtually impossible for me to work round his hours, and if I worked during the day when the DCs are at school then all of my earnings would be eaten up with wraparound care and holiday childcare. Also I currently have a terminally ill grandad, and my nan isn't in good health so I take her to visit him a lot and spend a lot of time helping my nan with her housework, shopping etc. I do all of the housework, childcare, cooking, laundry, shopping etc, and feel like I "earn my keep".

DH used to be lovely but gradually as I have been a SAHM he has been less and less respectful towards me and got nastier and nastier, and at the moment I feel like I'm being bullied constantly. His behaviour consists of him sulking for days on end with me, and then when I try to tackle his sulking or try to sort things out all kinds of things come out of the woodwork and he shouts at me about things that I have done or haven't done recently. To put it in a nutshell, he wants me to just do as he says all the time, no questions asked. He won't back me up with the children, and undermines me if I try to get them to do anything. He gets huffy if he asks me to do something and I take too long or find it difficult. We were in the car the other day and he asked me to get something out of the glove box and he got angry with me because I took too long. I just feel on edge all the time.

We have been away since Monday on a mini break and he has been moody and sulky the whole time, even though it was his idea to go away. I've asked him several times why he's been moody and said to snap out of his mood and he's just retorted each time that he's not in a mood, but that it is me who is being moody. Which hasn't been the case at all as I have tried to have a nice week for the DCs sake. Nothing I have done has been good enough, and he's just looked for opportunities all week to nit pick and to trip me up.

Today we came home and he was in a foul mood for the journey home. Tonight he's said he's moody because he's tired, and I got upset and said I am fed up with having to walk on eggshells, and he again said that it is me that is grumpy and that I am a cunt and he then came out with various things that he has told me to do lately that I apparently haven't done. He also said he is fed up with working and that it is all my fault because he has to work because I don't. He has always said until now that he doesn't want me to work and likes the dynamics as they are.

I just feel like I cannot win. I can't stop crying and he has said it's all my fault and has gone to bed. :(

This was my life. Believe me when I say this will not get better. I noticed too that you are justifying being a sahm. I used to do this and blamed myself for everything that went wrong. It's a power shift when you're dependant on someone and some men take advantage of that. Always know you do have options and you don't have to put up with this disgusting lack of respect. My abuser used to say what do you do take dc to school and do a bit of homework? This was said after I started standing up for myself and asked for appreciation and respect as a sahm of his dc. That's sort of attitude will get you first hurt then angry and the outrage will help you start standing up to the bully.
The best thing I did was read up on abuse tactics, which will help you see what exactly what is going on. That is so important as it stops that awful habit of blaming yourself and you can see through the gas lighting.
Also start keeping a diary, I can't tell you how that helped me see who the abuser was, as the pigs will always turn it around.
Start standing up for yourself and say you really need to leave as I won't stand for this treatment.
Start sounding sure of yourself and don't engage with him at all when he his doing the passive aggressive silent treatment, stop asking him what's wrong. Completely ignore it and have a giggle with your children. He will hate that as you aren't trying to pander to him.
I was also the scapegoat and everything that went wrong at work would be my fault. Don't take it on. Don't feel guilty that's what they want.
Focus on your own life and your own wants and needs and start detaching from this vile bully and to use his own word cunt.

I also feel there is also probably an OW. So do snoop as hard as you can. There is a great script here on Mumsnet and part of the justification for an affair is the wife being "wrong" on many accounts. My ex's disdain for me really grew when I became a SAHM after having a decent professional career. The contempt and rudeness is horrible. One of the main reasons I got rid was that I did not want my DS to see me being treated that way and for him to think that was normal.

I can't see how there could be anything 'playful' about play-fighting in the situation you describe OP :(

It sounds awful and like it's escalating and I'm glad you posted. Hope the replies will be helpful for you

By the way, I agree with ANY FUCKER, he will try and sabotage your attempts at independence. By all means get a job if you really want to, but don't expect to be able to rely on him.
Anyway you do an invaluable job as a sahm and why get a job if it will only pay for childcare. What's the point.
Anyway he will just find something else to bully you about, so it would be pointless trying to please him. Start pleasing yourself.

Yes he is a bully. He clearly has no respect for your role as a SAHM and has you viewing yourself the same way.

Sadly I agree that whatever I do he will find something else to pick on. I am definitely going to focus on myself and the children for now and disengage from him a bit

He sounds nasty and is making your life intolerable. What are you getting out of this relationship? Start getting organised and put the wheels in motion to leave this marriage.

I'd also suggest getting yourself organized, rylans. I suspect that disengaging from him is going to exacerbate the situation - not that I'm suggesting that you shouldn't but just be warned that it probably won't help.

How are the DCs reacting to all of this ? They'll be picking up on his foul treatment of you.

You are not his servant. You don't have to do anything he says. He's a nasty abusive bully and your dc will be harmed if you stay and let him suck the life out of you. I hope you leave him. It's heartbreaking thinking of you crying and despairing. ..and knowing that's exactly where he wants you to be

You've all been so kind and lovely, I feel tearful reading your replies, thank you all.

He was ok this morning but now in a mood again after I tried to talk so I've come out al

Alone and left him with the children. He was a bit put out that I decided to go out

He'd have been put out if you'd stayed, rylands for one reason or another. You're still measuring your actions by his re-action to them. (Although trying to keep things reasonable for the DCs is a difficulty.)

I really feel for you, it's a shock especially when they seem to be Jekyl and Hyde. Do the crying and feeling hurt and despairing. It's all a process that you need to go through, but then get bloody indignant and get the whole who the bloody hell do think you are, treating me like shit attitude. That will spur you on to reclaiming your self esteem and self respect.
I agree with the making plans, but the disengaging bit is a must, it may bring things to ahead but that's what needs to be done. He doesn't want to communicate on a respectful level. Why shouldn't you protect yourself and detach from somebody who is purposely trying to hurt you. If you don't, he will just continue bullying you, so that you are a shell of your former self.
Oh yes and when you disengage, he may become nice to suck you back in. Like I said read up on their tactics to arm yourself. It's just that when they cross the line into such disrespectful behaviour, they rarely go back to Mr nice guy.

It's not you, sweetheart, he's a vile bully. You are already doing an important job, caring for your DCs, GPs and home. Don't get a job you don't want just to pacify him - it will only lead to more aggravation.

Good advice above, be strong, enjoy your DCs and be careful.

Well done for fulfilling YOUR need to get out and get some space from him and his bullying. He doesn't like it because you are focussing on you and your needs for once.
Don't question yourself, you did fab.

Sounds a mirror image of my ex-marriage. Get out it's not going to get better and do you want DS to think that yreating women or his mum like your husband treats you?

Hardest thing to do but I'm so much happier - wish you all the best x

Have read this thread quite carefully and feel very strongly that he is bullying you - a lot. He sounds like a thug who thinks you are there for his every whim and you are the only one who can decide when it will end.

It's a horrible situation and I feel very sorry for you.

Get expert advice before you decide what to do.

Wonder if you could record him bullying you? On your phone? Might be useful?

Good luck. You know he is wrong.

How's today been, OP?

Haven't read all the comments but just wanted to post as this resonates with me. My XP was like this and yes, he's a bully. Your description of play fighting gave me the chills. Mine used to do something similar.

You don,t need (t) his shit in your life...

LTB