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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship ladies - What do you make of this relationship?

33 replies

ClassicsLover55 · 30/05/2014 22:24

Regular poster but have name changed.

My friend has been with her DH many years. Her DH adores her, compliments her, always buys thoughtful birthday gifts etc. Has supported her through some nasty stuff. I do believe he is a good man.

However, I have noticed more and more over recent years that she cannot go anywhere without him. Obviously she goes to work, the shops etc without him, but she cannot go away for the weekend, or even a day out, that kind of thing.

Her adult DD now lives a fair distance away and she "cannot" see her DD on her own. She says she misses having mother/daughter time with her DD and would like to see more of her. I asked what was stopping her from seeing her DD alone and she just said that her DH would not be happy about it/anything for an easy life. I get the impression she wants to do things without her DH but feels like she can't without rocking the boat.

She also doesn't seem to have money of her own that she can spend without her DH's "approval".

I gather her DH gives her the silent treatment if she upsets him. He doesn't seem to have any friends himself (he is not the type of man to go to the pub or play golf or watch sport). He seems quite content to spend all his time with her, so maybe he feels like she should do likewise?

Probably none of my business, but concerned about my friend and sad that her relationship with her DD is suffering. Wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any wise advice?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/05/2014 22:40

It's up to her if she wants to live like this. Personally, my dh wouldn't stop me seeing my dd.

HeyBungalowBill · 30/05/2014 22:44

I can only really help with a bump for you OP in the hope someone else comes along.

I know someone who is in a relationship like this, her DH has always been a pervy, controlling pig but since he has retired (and she hasn't yet) she can't go anywhere without him.
She isn't allowed out for meals or parties or even the works Christmas do Hmm

It's very sad!

AnyFucker · 30/05/2014 22:47

I think it sounds rather sinister and that she cannot be happy living like this

the "for a quiet life" comment speaks volumes

Preciousbane · 30/05/2014 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 30/05/2014 23:08

He sounds controlling.

Squidstirfry · 30/05/2014 23:14

Is she 'allowed' to see friends such as yourself without him? U sound like a caring friend and u may be able to get to the bottom of your concerns by asking the right sorts of questions.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 07:32

Agree with AF that once sentiments like 'anything for a quiet life' are being used to excuse things that certainly sound controlling then it's a concern.

However, just to be scrupulously fair.... is your friend competent? i.e. could she get to see the adult DD independently? is she responsible with money? I know someone who is genuinely a liability behind a wheel and if she suggests travelling anywhere solo, her DH (kindly) leaps in and offers to drive.

Maisie0 · 31/05/2014 07:49

I would stay away from speculating on the wife's scenario. The DH could actually want his wife to let go of the clingliness to her DD so that she can be independent. You just do not know how they function as a family and why. Not all families need to be the same way.

To me, it sounds like their relationship is quite old fashioned. I am more worried that you had to change your name to post this too. Why do women do this ? If you are uncertain, then it probably means that it is not a good idea to begin with. You are extending your idea as a bystander into someone else's private life and this is indeed gossiping now.

If she is worried about her DD, she can always phone, or write, or whatever.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 07:53

Old fashioned doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship ... Hmm And if you don't like gossiping Maisie0 what the heck are you doing on the Relationship Board????

Maisie0 · 31/05/2014 07:54

Balancing the other point of view ? Originally, I posted a thread of my own, and I was shocked by the responses actually. Then I stayed to see who writes what and WHY... Now I know. Some people actually is much too much.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 07:56

'is'? Where's that speech pattern from?

Maisie0 · 31/05/2014 07:57

Healthy or not is their business. Not everyone is going to be going for a divorce, and we should not encourage every one to divorce their partner out of every single bit of wrong step in the marriage, cos that is absolutely ridiculous.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 08:17

Who is encouraging anyone to divorce anyone exactly? The OP poses a question about a relationship set-up she finds interesting/concerning , has had some varying answers and is in no position to divorce, suggest divorce or even anything close.

Or are you making some sweeping generalisation about the Relationship boards and see yourself as a lone voice speaking out for saving marriage?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2014 08:18

Old fashioned has nothing to do with it!.

Signs of abuse/control:-
Does the nice/nasty cycle very well; present buying and compliments The silent treatment
not being able to go out on her own
Denying her easy access to money
Cannot go anywhere without him; she cannot visit dd on her own because if she does she will be "punished"
He wants to spend all his time with her

This lady unfortunately for herself married a controlling man and such abuse is insidious in its onset. She probably feels it is too late to leave, cannot countenance leaving and has no direct means herself of getting away from him. She is basically imprisoned in a cage of his own paranoid making.

I would continue to support this woman and keep asking her about what she thinks of this situation and give her tools to start properly thinking about life with him. Reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft would be an idea as well.

I would think there is a massive power imbalance in this relationship you write of Classic and its all entirely in his favour. He is controlling her financially as well and is being isolated further by him. He uses the silent treatment on his wife. All such behaviours are infact abusive ones.

His wife has finally noticed what has been happening now to her that their daughter has left home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2014 08:19

I would not call the initial post anything near a healthy example of how a marriage should be conducted Maisie.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 08:20

BTW.... all relationships are the business of the people in the relationship. However, we can all learn something by observing and understanding other relationships. Also, if we can see someone is in a relationship that is causing them harm or distress, then it starts to become our business. It would not be a decent society if we all stood by, let people get harmed, and say 'healthy or not, it's their business'

Alwaysbuybigpants · 31/05/2014 08:39

I would take her to one side, say you need her advice on something personal and would like to see her alone, make up some shit and then gently tell her that you think it's a shame she doesn't see her daughter anymore. While you're there, you could also throw in that she's turned into a creepy stepford wife and it's starting to annoy you. And then tell her that one day, if statistics are to be believed, her husband will pop his clogs and she'll be alone for the next ten years, with no friends at all.
In all seriousness, this is quite a sad situation isn't it! I've never understood why some women (and men) turn into zombies in relationships. Try to get her out doing stuff that doesn't always involve her husband, she's probably just grown too used to being with him all the time and needs to wake up a bit. I don't know if we all need to jump on this "he's abusive!!" bandwagon JUST yet, surely?
Oh, and definitely don't tell her that you've started a public thread on the Internet discussing personality flaws and marriage with strangers. She might not like that.

Maisie0 · 31/05/2014 08:49

Here we go... the theorists. The heroines of relationships.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 08:50

Who are the theorists?

Maisie0 · 31/05/2014 08:52

There is understanding of others, and learn not to do it ourselves, and then there is digging into someone's personal life, turn it upside down, and then try to be the saviour, when in reality, we do not have the resources, or the understanding either, since we cannot emotionally connect in that actual relationship cos we are not "in" it.

As my mother used to say "do not meddle, you cannot help them, you don't have the resources", and you know what, she is right.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2014 08:53

"she's probably just grown too used to being with him all the time and needs to wake up a bit".

He is to blame here but will never admit any wrong doing. Such men do not let go of their victims at all easily.

He has controlled his wife over many years. This is precisely how controlling men operate, such abuse and this is abuse is insidious in its onset. She has been left thoroughly confused by the nice/nasty cycle of his which is a continuous one. These men can be charm personified to those in the outside world, it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. These men cannot fully hide their controlling nature; Classic has noticed that something is amiss here.

Also he is controlling the access she has to money. That is also very wrong.

OPs friend is however I think beginning slowly to realise that she is infact in a cage. Her DD leaving home was that particular catalyst; she is now finding that her own H does not want her to visit her own DD on her own!. She would be punished somehow for doing so.

MissMarplesBloomers · 31/05/2014 09:08

Maisie you are so not getting the point it is laughable.

The good posters of the relationships board are very insightful & supportive bunch and the OP is merely asking for reflections on what she is observing in her friends life that she is uncomfortable with ,knowing the friend & sensing she is unhappy

OP Can you get the friend on your own at all, maybe arrange to have a coffee after shopping one day?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 09:12

"As my mother used to say "do not meddle, you cannot help them, you don't have the resources", and you know what, she is right."

You listen to your mother by all means but personally I find human relationships quite fascinating... Does this mean we won't be seeing any more contributions from you Maisie?

AnyFucker · 31/05/2014 09:52

I think maisie must never have had the joy of a close and nurturing friendship where you look out for each other, even if sometimes that means you have to address difficult subjects

I feel very Sad for her

Humansatnav · 31/05/2014 09:58

masie, why are you bothering to post on here ? Really, why?

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