Relationship ladies - What do you make of this relationship?

[ClassicsLover55]

Regular poster but have name changed.

My friend has been with her DH many years. Her DH adores her, compliments her, always buys thoughtful birthday gifts etc. Has supported her through some nasty stuff. I do believe he is a good man.

However, I have noticed more and more over recent years that she cannot go anywhere without him. Obviously she goes to work, the shops etc without him, but she cannot go away for the weekend, or even a day out, that kind of thing.

Her adult DD now lives a fair distance away and she "cannot" see her DD on her own. She says she misses having mother/daughter time with her DD and would like to see more of her. I asked what was stopping her from seeing her DD alone and she just said that her DH would not be happy about it/anything for an easy life. I get the impression she wants to do things without her DH but feels like she can't without rocking the boat.

She also doesn't seem to have money of her own that she can spend without her DH's "approval".

I gather her DH gives her the silent treatment if she upsets him. He doesn't seem to have any friends himself (he is not the type of man to go to the pub or play golf or watch sport). He seems quite content to spend all his time with her, so maybe he feels like she should do likewise?

Probably none of my business, but concerned about my friend and sad that her relationship with her DD is suffering. Wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any wise advice?

She is trying to save all the people in the world from the nasty posters on MN, dontcha know.

Or being a hairy handed wankbadger, Af, I shudder to think she actually believes the drivel she is currently spouting across a few threads.

There is that

OP you obviously do have some time with her when she is on her own for her to have told you this much. So whilst she may not be able to have a day out (yet) you could help her build up to it.

Why not start by joining an evening class together or going for an afternoon gym & swim together once a week. Build some regular contact where she can also meet and talk with others - book club, painting class, anything really.

Then, after a while, go to the odd social evening together. Something that her dh wouldn't like but she would. If there are any problems at all in her getting away from him, I would say that he may be controlling. If not, she can get more adventurous and learn to do more without him.

Moneywise, she will have to discuss that with him but you say she works, so she does have some independent means.

Working doesn't necessarily mean independent means sadly. I see the suggestion on MN all the time that, once married, we're supposed to relinquish ideas of financial independence, open one big fat joint account & merrily tip in all our wages. If the OP's friend is unlucky to have an 'old fashioned' DH that keeps sole custody of the marital cheque-book it is highly unlikely she has her own bank account.

I hate all this 'old-fashioned' bullshit trotted out to excuse abusive behaviour. Three of my grandparents were born before 1910, and they didn't have relationships like that. Because my grandfathers weren't controlling cunts who saw women as objects or possessions or lesser beings.

OP, ignore that this man buys your friend lavish gifts, and all that - they are a smokescreen. It's a classic red flag of abuse to give generous gifts and so on; it's to make the man look romantic and thoughtful and caring, and the woman ungrateful or bitchy if she complains. The way he is really showing his true self is in the controlling behaviour towards your friend. All the pressies in the world mean jack shit if your partner won't let you see your own child, grown-up or not. Who the fuck is he to tell a grown woman that she can't see her daughter, or go where she wants?! How patronising and infantilising to not let her spend her money how she sees fit.

This sounds like a man who wants a wife or partner to be a pretty doll, not a real human being with needs, wants, flaws and different ideas or plans to him. He's using her to make himself look good and feel good. It's abuse to control and contain her this way. She needs a good friend like you to let her know it's not right and that it needs to stop.

But the friend has the means to earn her own money and could open her own account. This is something that she should discuss with her dh and if he really is controlling the money, she should change that.

If she has no money of her own, she will need a lot more help OP and all you can do is point her in the direction of people who can advise her - women's aid would be a good start.

there are a number of things in your post which make me uneasy for your friend.

1. The silent treatment your friend has if she upsets her husband. If this is extended or persistent, or used as a weapon every time things don't go his way, that's quite controlling.
2. She cannot go anywhere without him, and gives in for an easy life.
3. She doesn't seem to have her own money, or control of her own money.

In your position I'd keep an eye on your friend, and ask a bit more about what she means by giving in for an easy life. Ask her what would happen if she saw dd on her own. This might help her open up, and give you a clearer idea of how you can help her as a friend.