Three months since he left...

[DickCrack]

So, it's three months since he left us. Here is my original thread.

In lots of ways I'm doing ok. I am back at work, I've sorted house, money, debts, been out with friends. My boys seem ok. Even took them away for a little break on my own. Have cut off all contact with his family who were supremely unhelpful.

But my feelings towards my ex are all over the place. He's here all the time, it's half term, he had leave booked prior to split for childcare so he's been looking after boys at home. I think that right for them, that they are able to stay home in their pyjamas, with their own toys, things around them, not have to go out at 8.45 to their dads scummy flat every day. But I hate seeing him.

He looks dreadful. There is no attraction there. I don't miss him. I feel sad for the boys though, they want him home. His attitude is most confusing. He cries on the phone, said Its the worst mistake of his life, he wants to come home. But face to face he practically runs away unless kids are around. When he's here in front of kids he tries to chat and joke. Yesterday before work he made some "joke" alluding to oral sex. His infidelity involved ow performing oral sex on him when ds2 was 14 weeks old. I went mad, said how could you joke about it. He said he never thought.

I feel so angry with him. I have been wholly unpleasant towards him at every interaction. He deserves it. He makes it worse by ignoring my texts, ones I guess about us rather than about the boys, but some about boys have been ignored too. He no longer answers the phone, and missed calls about ds2 being ill last week. I asked him tonight why and he just says he doesn't want an argument.

I'm not even sure really what my point is. I think I expected him to be willing to crawl, to apologise over and over. He hasn't. He is clearly unhappy but he seems to believe that if he just ignores what he's done and my feelings, it will go away. He really doesn't appear to give a shit about the hurt he caused me, even after 13 years, 2 kids. I find it shocking, like he's been replaced by a different person. He's shown me no sympathy, no care at all. And that makes me feel angrier towards him, like I can't leave it until I break him if that makes sense?

I remember your original thread! 3 months - wow!

He will regret his actions for ever more, my exH does and we've been divorced 8 years now. He too had an affair, my boys were 3 & 5 at the time.

It's amazing how the kids cope. Just keep being civil and adult. It can only get better and the weight loss is a sliver lining!

Thanks Louby, three months has both seemed an eternity and flown at the same time.
I want to know how much he regrets it, I guess I kind of feel entitled to hear his misery and regret. That makes me sound psychopathic, doesn't it?

I think you're going to have to separate properly and drastically reduce the contact. It's unhealthy to keep having him in your home, crying down the phone and whatever else he gets up to. You are not going to break him and you're not going to get the truth so stop torturing yourself. If he has a 'scummy flat' tell him he has to give it a serious makeover before you let your DCs visit. Your home is your sanctuary now where you and your DCs can feel safe, secure and able to relax. It is not for him any more.

Clean break. Get him out

Thanks cogito - you aren't the first person to say that. I'm finding it hard to meet the boys needs without making things worse for myself.
I just don't understand why, why he ignores my messages, why he's behaving like a total bastard despite being the one in the wrong basically.

He ignores your messages as it's the only thing he can control. He has no say in you or your life anymore. You call all the shots.

But yes I agree with cogito he needs to start having the boys at his flat. They need to see that things are different too. Plus it will give you some space and time on your own.

I agree you need to have less contact with him. This isn't healthy for you or the children. He needs to have set times for contact, pick them up and go somewhere else (it's summer so if nothing else weather is nice enough for hanging out at the park) and bring them back later. You really shouldn't be having any more contact with him than a brief hello and goodbye to be honest otherwise there's no real distance or separation.

I've been separated from my ex for 11 years since dd was 6 months old. At the beginning I would meet him in the park, hand her over and he'd have her for a few hours and bring her back. He was living in a bed sit in a shared house. Gradually he built up to over night and then weekends.

It was better for both of us having less contact.

"I just don't understand why, why he ignores my messages, why he's behaving like a total bastard despite being the one in the wrong basically"

Because he's a total bastard who is in the wrong. He has nothing to gain from apologising or whatever it is you want to hear. Face it. If he was considerate, self-aware and unselfish, he wouldn't be an ex in the first place. He's probably enjoying your discomfort

So 'out of sight, out of mind'... make your home a haven, limit contact to bare essentials and fill your mind and your life with things that make you happy.

Oh screw that shit!!
Looking after them at yours?? NO NO NO NO!!! Your kids can be up and dressed by 8.45!!
Are you really sure that him coming round to yours is anything to do with the kids, for someone who claims to not want or miss him you seem mightily interested in what he thinks and does. (not criticising, i ve been there, just pointing out)

Yes him coming here is to do with kids, I can't bear to see them leave their home and sit in a horrible flat all day when I'm at work - I'm not here when he is, I go after he arrives, and he goes as soon as I get in. But it's true that I am unable to leave what is going on in his mind alone, it's disbelief that he could be this other person I don't recognise overnight. He's so hostile and ignorant towards me, anyone would think I had the affair, it's like he blames me somehow. Perhaps he does?

Just thinking sort-of aloud here; do you think with the boys seeing him in their home all the time that this fuels their wanting him back full time? If they saw him at his place then they might see the reality of the situation and start getting used to it?

Have you instructed a solicitor to start divorce proceedings?

We are not married jean - there are still legal ties like a joint mortgage I've not sorted yet. Mainly as I don't think the bank would mortgage me the amount needed (more than 3x my salary).
The boys seem to accept him coming and going ok. I need his help sometimes, for eg I work full time and the nature of the job (public sector to do with law) means if something happens at 4 pm I will need to be there until it's sorted, so on those days he has collected the boys, took them home got dinner, put them to bed. I couldn't do my job without that level of help.
Again tonight he's not contacted me . Ds1 is poorly, raging temp, he knows, he's not rung to see how he is. And he promised yo pay my maintenance yesterday but hasn't, and texted me at 1 today to say he'd be sorting it tonight and would text, and hasn't.
I need that money, it's the only thing really he has over me.

I just wanted to say that I totally get where you're coming from. As I read your post, I swear it was if I was reading a description of my STBXH's behaviour.

I think at the end of the day, we'll never understand how their minds work but I wonder if it's to do with their ego. You're never going to get a decent apology I'm afraid. He's far too selfish for that and he's not genuinely sorry for what he did. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

I'm 6 months on now and I still have the odd day when I get consumed with disbelief regarding his behaviour post split but it does lessen, I promise.

I think you need to reduce as much as possible, things you rely on him for. If he's going to fuck around with maintenance, go to the CSA (or whatever they're called now). He'll be shooting himself in the foot if he ends up paying an extra 20% on top of usual maintenance for being a prick (look it up), and you won't have to contact him about money anymore.

Is there any way you could speak to your boss about more flexible working hours, or have it so you have to leave work by no later than a certain time?
Child care is a total juggling act and I know he's helping you out with work hours but maybe he might mess you around with that too in the future.

I just feel you need to protect yourself a bit more.

Can you get an au pair to live in and help with those childcare emergencies?
Get him out of your house ASAP it's not healthy.
It's your home now not his. Your boys might seem to be ok but it would be very confusing
Plus he keeps seeing what he is missing
It will only get worse

Afraid finances and size of house would rule out any au pair! I have heeded advice and asked him to confirm what days he is seeing boys this week. Guess what - no answer! It's driving me nuts, why won't he just bloody respond to messages?

I would guess that it's the only wee bit of control he still has over you. That's why

It does sound to me like he's trying to show you that life is so much harder because he's not around. Refusing to answer your messages about the boys, playing silly buggers over the maintenance. He's hoping it'll all be soooo difficult that you'll ask him to come back, isn't he?
If you haven't done so already, I'd get the maintenance (for HIS children) on a legal footing. Also there is no reason why they can't go to his flat. It may be crappy but it is in his power to make it clean, warm and safe so don't fall for that crap.
Have you checked whether you can get any extra benefits to help with child care costs to give you a bit of piece of mind when you have to work late?
I agree with the others that you need to get him out of your house. so I simcerely hope that you can find a way to tell him to fuck off.
Best of luck OP. You're doing a grand job.

Thank you charles. I have sorted out tax credits - problem is neither after school or nursery go past 6 pm and I frequently do. Plus boys are very little (3 & 5) so I don't really want them in childcare later than that, they need to get home for tea, bath, bed. He is paying a lot more than child maintenance service would make him so I'm scared of rocking that boat.
I know it sounds like I've got an answer for everything, I haven't! I just get so annoyed with his attitude to me, like I'm in the wrong. Posting here has really helped me though, I feel more detached. I think I've been waiting for him to do the "right" things so I can tell him to fuck off but he isn't going to, is he?

No he isn't.
Can you find a babysitter you can call for those late evenings?
Something has got to be better than him keeping this control over you

I'm in a similar situation to you. My stbx husband comes back to look after the kids while I work and I don 't finish till 7.30. Looked into tax credits and can get a lot of money back from employing a nanny to look after them at home. They have to be ofsted registered but there seem to be quite a few around. I've found it so difficult to move on with him coming in and out. I'm hoping this is the solution for me. Would it work for you?

Well he continues to be a hostile arsehole who has shown no care for me at all.
Tonight I rang him. He told me he only has "so much emotional energy" and that he is in a "bad way". He also denies that going with ow is what broke us, apparently he considered telling me before we had dc2 that he didn't love me but decided dc1 needed a sibling. And back to he went with ow because he "enjoyed it".
I feel so hurt.

Op do you think he could be depressed.
He could be a complete bastard but he could also be depressed. Have a look at depression fall out , you can down load it.

Could explain something's.

Yes I do think he's depressed. I'll google that, thanks.

Somethings*