So, it's three months since he left us. Here is my original thread.
In lots of ways I'm doing ok. I am back at work, I've sorted house, money, debts, been out with friends. My boys seem ok. Even took them away for a little break on my own. Have cut off all contact with his family who were supremely unhelpful.
But my feelings towards my ex are all over the place. He's here all the time, it's half term, he had leave booked prior to split for childcare so he's been looking after boys at home. I think that right for them, that they are able to stay home in their pyjamas, with their own toys, things around them, not have to go out at 8.45 to their dads scummy flat every day. But I hate seeing him.
He looks dreadful. There is no attraction there. I don't miss him. I feel sad for the boys though, they want him home. His attitude is most confusing. He cries on the phone, said Its the worst mistake of his life, he wants to come home. But face to face he practically runs away unless kids are around. When he's here in front of kids he tries to chat and joke. Yesterday before work he made some "joke" alluding to oral sex. His infidelity involved ow performing oral sex on him when ds2 was 14 weeks old. I went mad, said how could you joke about it. He said he never thought.
I feel so angry with him. I have been wholly unpleasant towards him at every interaction. He deserves it. He makes it worse by ignoring my texts, ones I guess about us rather than about the boys, but some about boys have been ignored too. He no longer answers the phone, and missed calls about ds2 being ill last week. I asked him tonight why and he just says he doesn't want an argument.
I'm not even sure really what my point is. I think I expected him to be willing to crawl, to apologise over and over. He hasn't. He is clearly unhappy but he seems to believe that if he just ignores what he's done and my feelings, it will go away. He really doesn't appear to give a shit about the hurt he caused me, even after 13 years, 2 kids. I find it shocking, like he's been replaced by a different person. He's shown me no sympathy, no care at all. And that makes me feel angrier towards him, like I can't leave it until I break him if that makes sense?