my husband has gone bonkers .....

[paradiselostimissit]

Never posted before on here. Head in shed.
Husband extremely unwell. Has had nervous breakdown and also has another medical condition that impacts very badly on his
life. He takes a lot of sick leave from work.
He is a wonderful father to our very tiny children – both under 3 - in that he is loving and adores them. But there is no relationship between us at all.
Actually, that is a lie. He says he loves me every day. I cant answer him as I want to run away. We havent had a physical relationship for almost 2 years.
I cant really begin to explain what my issues are...other than the fact that he has been unwell for many years and it has taken its toll on us both. We struggled to have our children and spent an enormous
amount of money on having our first. Miraculously he came along after 6 rounds of IVF. My daughter came from out of the blue very shortly afterwards.
Since we have had our children my husband’s health has become progressively worse. He had surgery after my youngest was born and then had a breakdown and
hasnt really recovered since. His entire personality has changed and interacting with eachother is quite bizzare. He cannot be ‘normal’ and the strain on our marriage is massive.
I sound disgusting and unsupportive. I am not. I put up with a great deal. I look after the children almost single handedly most of the time due to his illness and I also work part time.
I do EVERYTHING in the house – washing, groceries, etc etc and I also run the household and ensure bills are paid. He has got into trouble financially because he keeps crashing his car.
THis is down to the fact that he has chronic sleep deprivation and is unwell. He has paid thousands this year to cover 2 crashes he had so he would not have to claim it on the insurance.
He didnt tell me but suddenly we couldnt pay our mortgage. I rang the council to pay a parking fine on his behalf today and they told me that he has 10 outstanding fines (all for parking
in random places such as resident only etc) and I had to pay his bill of £950 which we dont have.
I’m slowly going insane. I have a very responsible job. At work I present as capable and organised. Which I am . But I am dying inside.
I am totally trapped forever. I adore my children and live for them. I cannot bear to be in my marriage but I cannot get out as he is both ill and cannot look after himself. I would never leave him and break up the family.
We sleep in separate rooms and once the kids are down he goes to bed. I eat on my own each night and every weekend, I drink in front of the computer.
Is this a normal life?
Neither of us has the strength to go to counselling. We are both on medication for depression. He has been suicidal. I have too (but would never ever ever seriously contemplate leaving my kids and am much better since taking the pills).
I never see my friends because I am so busy with work and my children and my husband.
I have no social life at all.
I’m not sure if I have any options at all and I’m in such a fog that I thought I would ask some random strangers what you think.
My husband and I have been together for many years and used to be relatively happy until he became unwell. I get so upset each time he is ill and cannot seem to get over it. His condition is not curable and he has been told by a very highly regarded consultant that he has to live with it. It is not life threatening..just ruins his quality of life. His family are useless in the sense that they are stiff upper lip and do not offer any support at all.

I would never leave him and break up the family

It's a mistake to make commitments like that IMO. He's a liability. He's dragging you down with him, and risking the children's home. You aren't responsible for him.

I think you need to prioritise you in order to give yourself enough headspace to think what to do next.

Can you get a babysitter once a week and start just being out of the home on your own?

My DH is also ill with a condition that means he cannot do much to help with the children. You need to protect yourself a bit or you can very easily end up being swallowed by the role of carer.

I have days when I am so exhausted by being the one who is the driving force behind everything that I fantasise about being hospitalised and having a rest.

DH also was suicidal and I am also on sertraline. It just really sucks, doesn't it?

Is there anything he can do to improve or manage his condition better?

And he really shouldn't be driving. But I expect you know that!

Your life sounds horrendous. You are not helping him or your children by maintaining this charade.

You need support. Staying with him will drag the entire family down. You owe it to your children to seek alternatives to the life you have now.

not sure if I have any options

Of course you have options. You are starting to consider them, deep inside where you don't want to look quite yet. In your own time you will gaze intently on the options you KNOW you have. Obstacles are there to be removed, hey? Sounds glib but actually we all know it's a hard journey. But still. You are peeping at alternatives even though you have your hands over your eyes.

H's condition may not be curable but maybe - with his active engagement - it could be less injurious to those around him. Getting off his bum to help would be a start, though maybe it's too late for that to matter much.

I am totally trapped forever

No you aren't!

Is your GP any help OP? If s/he is also your DH's GP, would a conversation there about the (not)driving be a start? I realise that's far from a solution, but it might minimise one of the impacts on you.

Thank you both for your comments. This is all very odd as I have never done this before. But its so refreshing to get objective opinions.
Yes I have a lovely babysitter and I could go out on my own...but I'm a bit of a nervous wreck and when I'm not in work, I want to be with my kids. Am so guilty when I'm not with them and so paranoid that their lives are about to be turned upside down....It scares me as he told me that on his birthday last year, he almost topped himself. Am so worried that he will do something and my kids wont have a father. He lost his father very young (found him dead) and I think that this could be the root of his troubles. He cant really do anything to manage his condition any better unfortunately. But stress is a real trigger for his episodes and he is under colossal stress at work and at home with 2 tinies. Yes it sucks terribly. And I cant tell anyone! Nobody has a clue what we are going through. When I text his work to tell them he is ill, I get a tirade of anger. I sometimes have to stop myself being physically sick as I'm so worried he will lose his job. Are you open about your DH wellwell? You made me laugh with your hospitalisation comment - I was LONGING to be hospitalised before I was put on the crazy pills!!!

We actually run our own business together...And we'll lose it if we can't get a handle on this.

Without knowing what his condition is, it's hard to know what he could do but if it is exacerbated by stress then he needs to do something to manage that. My brother in law recommended an app called headspace which as little things to do every day (CBT based) which may be a quick way or him to start regaining control.

I would have to advise telling EVERYONE what is on your plate and accepting ALL offers of help. And if you live anywhere near me, coming out for a chat and a cry.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds really tough.

But, does he drive with the kids in the car?

If he keeps crashing the car, and does know how or where to park, he is a liability, not just financially but to somebody's life. Either his own or somebody elses.

PS Sometimes I rather uncharitably think he's faking and exaggerating. Just because I can't bear this to be the truth of our marriage.

Actually, why can't you tell anyone? I'm pretty sure DH isn't cheering when I discuss things with my friends, but he knows the alternative is me having another really bad depression episode. Lean on people.

well well you are such a glimmer of light in my horrible life. I dont know anyone that is in this situation and whilst I would never wish it on my worst enemy, its a relief to know that someone else is experiencing this - I'm so sorry though. I really do empathise with you MASSIVELY. It must be impossible that you are running a business together. Surely you must fantasise about lacing his tea some days...... I also sometimes wonder if he is laying it on thick just to escape the hell of 2 toddlers. There is so much I havent said in this post. Fundamentally, what is awful is that he is a decent, lovely person. But he IS a liability and he should not be driving and should be having psychiatric help. Its all beyond me. I'm slowly going cuckoo myself I think.

QuintessentiallyQS yes he does take the kids out on the weekend to 'give me a break'. You are right - he is a liability. There was a chance he was going to be disqualified and I was actually relieved...but he wont be now.
I cant believe I am writing this. I am a sane, responsible human being. How on earth am I in this situation?

tipsytrifle you are right. In everything you say.

Yes, I do sometimes fantasise about the building of a new patio to hide the body. The essential difference is that our children are that much older (10,7,4) and as a result I am getting that much more sleep. Sleep is key to thinking clearly.

So what are you going to do to help yourself? Right now, this minute? Tel, you what I won't suggest - having a nice bubble bath. Next person to suggest that to me gets a punch in the nose. You need to go out and shriek and giggle for a few hours. Is he able to be in sole charge of the DC at all?

Poor poor you. It sounds like you're both really struggling. I feel so sorry that this is happening to him, (it seems clear that he is the one with the problems) and to you. Bottom line; do you still love him? You said that you used to be 'relatively happy'... is there a strong enough bond between you to keep you both going?

He cannot be allowed to drive the DC. No way. Call GP for advice on this.

It gets like this gradually. Like boiling a frog.

What I am going to do right now is pour myself another LARGE glass of wine and eat ANOTHER marshmallow. I'm on my knees after 48 hours solid with the kids and no interaction with another adult. He was ill today so couldnt go into work. Came downstairs 4pm but clearly not well at all and not engaging with kids - just watching me and them....
He is now in bed again and I am on the vino. I dont drink in the week so Fri and Sat I go for gold. Cant believe how amazing it is to get this off my chest. Yes a bubble bath aint really going to help in this situation!! Requires more of a lobotomy I feel.
At the end of the day, I dont want to break up this family. He wont leave me so I will be the one ruining everything if I up and go. And I paid for a lot of this house and did it up. My parents would have a FIT if I left him on the basis that (a) he is ILL and (b) the kids are tiny and (c) I would be doing it for selfish reasons.

If you feel it's the right thing to stay together for the kids....
I grew up in a household with a remarkably similar situation - DF mentally ill, DM really struggling, doing everything single handed. It was so stressful and tense all the time. I also developed MH problems probably through prolonged exposure to DF, maybe genetic, I don't know.
When I was having counselling as a teenager I remember screaming at my mum 'why didn't you divorce him you selfish bitch, if you'd had any concern for US you would have removed us from that situation, you should love your kids more than anyone else including your DH!!'
My DM's white face spoke volumes. She had genuinely thought all along that we ought to - needed to - live with DF, regardless of his behaviour. Yes she loved him but the main reason she stayed was for us, and it was only after seeing her face did I truly realise how much she'd suffered too.

Obviously kids need their dads and your situation is not mine, just offering a different point of view. Btw, my DB agrees with me they should have separated, but my DS wanted them to stay together. So I guess she would have made the wrong choice either way. Bad MH often leads to impossible situations :(

Uplateagain that is the question isnt it? I dont know if I still love him. I hate my life. And hate our situation. And that is affecting the way that I see him. And so I am not sure if our bond is strong enough. We have been through an awful lot over the years and the IVF was brutal. Lots of heartbreaking experiences there....wont go into it. I thought we were strong - invincible even. But this has really floored me. Mental illness is scary and very destructive.

DH has an intermittent condition but on a daily basis. It's so hard when for some of the day he seems ok and then he can be in agony with nerve pain and unable to walk.

I'm guessing your DH has a mental health condition?

Cross post.

He needs to do the mental physio - all that stress avoidance and CBT. Can he change job?

Why do your parents have such control over your choices?

Tipsytrifle hit the nail on the head here about "active engagement" required from him. He will feel hopeless / nor arsed in his depressed state but I think there's no hope here unless some tough love hits him.

All the sympathy in the world for depressed people and people with MH issues, but you need to set personal boundaries. A list of conditions he needs to meet in order for your marriage to continue.

Pluckign some ideas out of a hat, these might be simple ones:

1. Going to counselling once a week.
2. Meeting regularly with GP to discuss progress (medication needs lots of adjustments to work)
3. Walking every day for 20 minutes

Etc.

I am not talking about delivering the earth, but actively engaging in his own recovery. You can't just sit there and allow this to continue. Not fair on you, not fair on the kids and certainly not helping him.

If he has a MH issue of some other kind that you're not being specific about -I realise a consultant might have told you nothing can be done but I'm going to tell you that if someone said that to me I'd not accept it. ave you researched whatever this condition is?

Almost all MH issues I have encountered (my stbXH was depressed / anxious possibly psychotic depression or bipolar and he had a complete breakdown) lifestyle changes can have a huge impact.

Reducing stress
Mild daily exercise
Exposure to sunlight
Taking daily vitamin B12 and Omega 3
Practising mindfulness exercises

etc.

They might sound like rubbish, but i can tell you with stbXH they were more effective than the pills. the problem in his case was his utter belief that medication was the cure all. People with MH issues sometimes do not realistically see that they are not better and they are loath sometimes to know how to help themselves.