my husband has gone bonkers .....

[paradiselostimissit]

Never posted before on here. Head in shed.
Husband extremely unwell. Has had nervous breakdown and also has another medical condition that impacts very badly on his
life. He takes a lot of sick leave from work.
He is a wonderful father to our very tiny children – both under 3 - in that he is loving and adores them. But there is no relationship between us at all.
Actually, that is a lie. He says he loves me every day. I cant answer him as I want to run away. We havent had a physical relationship for almost 2 years.
I cant really begin to explain what my issues are...other than the fact that he has been unwell for many years and it has taken its toll on us both. We struggled to have our children and spent an enormous
amount of money on having our first. Miraculously he came along after 6 rounds of IVF. My daughter came from out of the blue very shortly afterwards.
Since we have had our children my husband’s health has become progressively worse. He had surgery after my youngest was born and then had a breakdown and
hasnt really recovered since. His entire personality has changed and interacting with eachother is quite bizzare. He cannot be ‘normal’ and the strain on our marriage is massive.
I sound disgusting and unsupportive. I am not. I put up with a great deal. I look after the children almost single handedly most of the time due to his illness and I also work part time.
I do EVERYTHING in the house – washing, groceries, etc etc and I also run the household and ensure bills are paid. He has got into trouble financially because he keeps crashing his car.
THis is down to the fact that he has chronic sleep deprivation and is unwell. He has paid thousands this year to cover 2 crashes he had so he would not have to claim it on the insurance.
He didnt tell me but suddenly we couldnt pay our mortgage. I rang the council to pay a parking fine on his behalf today and they told me that he has 10 outstanding fines (all for parking
in random places such as resident only etc) and I had to pay his bill of £950 which we dont have.
I’m slowly going insane. I have a very responsible job. At work I present as capable and organised. Which I am . But I am dying inside.
I am totally trapped forever. I adore my children and live for them. I cannot bear to be in my marriage but I cannot get out as he is both ill and cannot look after himself. I would never leave him and break up the family.
We sleep in separate rooms and once the kids are down he goes to bed. I eat on my own each night and every weekend, I drink in front of the computer.
Is this a normal life?
Neither of us has the strength to go to counselling. We are both on medication for depression. He has been suicidal. I have too (but would never ever ever seriously contemplate leaving my kids and am much better since taking the pills).
I never see my friends because I am so busy with work and my children and my husband.
I have no social life at all.
I’m not sure if I have any options at all and I’m in such a fog that I thought I would ask some random strangers what you think.
My husband and I have been together for many years and used to be relatively happy until he became unwell. I get so upset each time he is ill and cannot seem to get over it. His condition is not curable and he has been told by a very highly regarded consultant that he has to live with it. It is not life threatening..just ruins his quality of life. His family are useless in the sense that they are stiff upper lip and do not offer any support at all.

Wellwell - the condition that he has is not a mental health one. Too scared to say what it is as dont want to be recognised. but he has had a breakdown as well and has not been right for some time. I do feel for your DH as I have experienced nerve pain and its can be absolute AGONY. I have had surgery myself for it but I was fortunate as it cured me immediately. I can totally imagine how that sort of pain drives you round the bend. That is what happened with my DH. He was in chronic pain for a long time and basically could not cope. AS for him doing mental physio - he is 'head in sand' person and his default position is withdraw, escape and sleep. I think he could do so much more to help himself but he is in the depths of illness and not capable of mustering the energy or commitment to helping himself.
Ehric...my parents are my only support and my mum is my best friend. She is mortified at my predicament but has endless sympathy for DH, which I can understand as he is ill. In sickness and in health and all that.

Sickness and health does not mean someone lays there with a bleeding leg though and refuses to let the doc stitch it up. MH issues are complex, but he doesn't need sympathy. He needs help.

There are so many ways to help. Buy a book "Undoing Depression" for non medical ways you can really help depression and stress. Apply small changes at first.

Yes, he is exhausted, demotivated and has given up the fight but your role here as his wife isn't to enable him to continue giving up with life. Or to let him make yours miserable.

You sound like a very supportive and loving wife, I have been where you are to a degree in watching my marriage fall apart from this illness and although my husband left me and hence took the decision out of my hands I do know I could not have stood by and watched him give up had he chosen to stay.

Counselling is a marvel for depression. An hour a week. Can he not commit to that as a minimum?

If he carries on like this, I feel like things will not get better.

PomeralLights your post is very interesting and helpful - thank you. Its really given me food for thought.
Minion100 - I agree with you 100%. The difficulty is that giving someone with MH issues an ultimatum seems rather unfair/dangerous. WHat if I push him over the edge? I realise that tough love could work and I have tried this several times. He knows that I am on my very last nerve. But from a practical perspective, it doesnt really achieve anything. He needs to do EXCACTLY what you say in your post - you are spot on. But he is not thinking rationally. I did get the GP involved following one episode and he contemplated calling the emergency MH team but didnt. There is no support out there for people like us it seems. We work and pay our taxes and yet nobody really gives a shit that he has unravelled completely and is about to jump off a cliff.

Downward spiral is very hard to get out of. And I find that I sometimes get a little bit cross with my parents when they are really sympathetic towards DH. They're my parents and should be completely on my side whatever...

Minion100 thank you. I will buy that book. I have bought so many books and read so much online as to what can be done..but it is only me that is motivated in this situation. Not him. I am so sorry that your marriage fell apart. I only realise now how utterly devastating that is. I never appreciated how truly terrible it is for couples/families that break up until now. I know that sounds thick. But honestly, its torture. You are right. Things wont improve. I actually text his work today and said that exact thing as I am sick of pretending that this GARGANTUAN elephant is not in the room. You are all so eloquent and supportive. Thank you xx

well well - yet again. With you 100%. There are times I could swing for my mum when she wants to mop his brow. She has no idea what I truly feel I fear.

I have been there...scared of what I said or did in case he did something stupid (I still worry about that), but at the same time leaving him like this puts him at continued risk.

I would take the tack of "I love you very much, but to continue as a family you must go to counselling one time per week".

I am not convinced this would push anyone over the edge, but if you are worried maybe talk to a professional.

Get that book as a start. Some of the things in it and absolutely simply to implement.

Awful illness, but not a blanket excuse for self indulgent behavior.

Thank you OP.

MH problems are devastating for families.

One thing I can also suggest is calling a MH charity. Depression Alliance for example. They are incredibly helpful. They will speak to you, make suggestions, maybe recommend a support group, courses, give counselling.

From my experience they were far more helpful to my family than the GP or NHS system which I think does not really scratch the surface in understanding the devastation.

Mental illness is so scary and destructive because there is no reason or predictability - and it changes people... is there any hope that he can be the person he was when you were 'invincible'? I strongly believe in gut instinct... what is your gut telling you?

I was with a partner years ago who suffered a psychotic breakdown and was very unwell. He couldn't recognise that he was Ill and would therefore not accept help or support.

I thought that I'd be a total bitch to leave him when he was so vulnerable but someone advised me to reflect on the following:

Think about your lives together now; can you in all honesty spend the rest of your life living like this if nothing at all changes?

Now work backwards and consider what exactly would need to change in order for it to become a life which you see yourself living happy and satisfied? Step by step try to see how these changes can be implemented. It sounds common sense but when things are so overwhelming it can be hard to pinpoint specifics.

Things I consider are:
Staying together for the sake of the kids is not always the best option. A happier home is healthier than 2 stressed and miserable parents.

You cannot hold yourself responsible for somebody else's health or decision making. If he does react badly that is not on your head.

You only live once and you deserve more than living an exhausting, stressful life. You deserve to be happy and this does not make you a selfish person.

I really hope that with some time to reflect you are able to find a way to move forward. There will be a way to change things - you are not trapped forever!

Minion's advice and suggestions are excellent, aren't they? Wellwell's words are so very compassionate ... but i suspect i'm already heading toward lending you my patio shovel *heh

This driving thing is worrying. Aside from devastating the finances this is a life, limb and death disaster waiting to happen. Would you consider reporting him to the police if he heads out on the roads? Or maybe remove keys/let tyres down/hide car kind of thing? Ironic that the one active move he occasionally makes is potentially lethal *wince

Gosh. Am overwhelmed by all these words of wisdom. Who knew that we were all so insightful? (well..you not me). I'm trying to compose myself as I have just had a text from a so called close friend to say that she has contacted my babysitter (wonderful girl and my children have bonded hugely with her) to see if she can help her out with her 2 children (she is married and they have a lovely life). This babysitter is my lifeline. She comes once every weekend for 2 hours (sometimes more) whilst I stay in the house to get things done. (This is because DH is ill so often). WTF? She has text me to say that she doesnt want to step on my toes...yet has clearly got in touch with the babysitter before getting in touch with me. Isnt that trying to poach her? Christ. I give up. Maybe its the wine but I feel hurt. Anyway - I digress. I am thinking about everything you have all said. And thinking I need new friends x

Uplateagain my gut is telling me to run like the wind. But its not just me I have to consider.
Gillian1980 - amazing words. I will take on board all that you say
tipsytrifle - yes highly ironic. Watching them drive away I feel like I am watching them in slow motion. No I would never report him to the police as he is not inherently dangerous. He is just completely stressed out and does not care if he doenst pay and display or parks in a loading bay x

Can you get some help via home start? Would be the same as the baby sitter but free. And speak to the baby sitter and your friend. Tell it like it is. Say she's your lifeline. And why.

I have text her saying that she is my lifeline and that if she has already got in touch with her, then it is out of my hands. I feel quite betrayed though. She knows what an awful time we are having to a degree ( doesnt know the extent) and yet this seems a bit underhand. I'm not aware of what Home Start offers Well well. thank you for your support. It would be great if we lived near one another.

hello OP .I completely understand where you are coming from .my hubby is at this time back in hospital in phscy ward ,because his CPN said he was feeling homicidal .I understand your fears of not breaking your family .my sons are teenagers .would I leave my hubby NO because he is ill and after 20 years I have spend my entire adult life with .him .but your babies are small .they would ajust .no one can tell you what to do .but please don't be thinking in the future god I am middle aged .I wish I had the courage when I was younger .from one who knows .my prayers are with you all x

Home start

I'm in the south west. Ish.

That is not a great friend...

I also wonder if your husband has anxiety or other from the car crashes. Is it not possible for him to find a job whereby he can use public transport and actually not drive ? If he cannot switch off, and you mentioned that he actually has chronic sleep deprivation, then he needs to remove or reduce the trigger that caused him to have this anxiety to begin with. Someone cannot sleep is because their brain is overactive. If he is stressed about something and cannot switch off, then this causes his lack of sleep and lack of focus during the day. If it is work related, then I'd recommend that he either switch job, or career or whatever.

I have had this kind of scenario before myself, whereby I burnt out not knowing what was what, and I was totally disconnected from my body. Until I got gastric acid, I did not realised this at all. Nobody can tell you what is happening, but if you push him towards a change of job or other, it may help him out a lot. He may not register and realises the causes since he cannot think clearly as he is not sleeping well. His mind will not be functioning well.

Being a bit boring and practical about this: if you separate amicably, and you both remain living in the same area there's nothing to stop you continuing to be friendly with each other and an amicable separation may be easier to achieve now than if the current situation continues for some time. Maybe think of it as a reconfiguration of the family unit.

If he's really long term ill and not able to care for himself without help, then social services should be told to undertake an assessment of his care needs. If he's living alone, without any obvious 'carer', the likelihood is that a greater level of support will be offered. If he does that, has more support and you're relieved of some of the demands of caring for him and children, then your relationship [as friends/co-parents] may improve.

There ought to also be some input from the local mental health team.

There are organisations that offer disabled adults assessments of their driving ability - if he's crashing his can an unusual number of times, then going along for one of those assessments would be good - they can usually advise on recommended adaptations to make driving easier/safer, as well as on safety-to-drive issues. [If he's really not safe to carry on driving, then voluntary surrender of his driving licence is probably recommended and would allow him to apply for an English/Welsh/Scottish concessionary bus pass ie. free daytime bus travel and it would be useful for him, in those circumstances to be living somewhere with good public transport].

Apart from all the useful comments others have given, if your husband suffers from chronic pain, has he been to see a chronic pain specialist?

I second the idea that he shouldn't be driving at all. What if he kills or maims someone?

Good luck, you sound like a sweet and loyal person, but you have to think of yourself and the children.

I have just left my husband under very similar circumstances.

Please allow me to give you some advice: tell people in your life what is going on. You NEED to stop this from being a horrid little secret. You need support. I had stopped seeing friends as I was just so low and had no good news to talk about. I started telling people at work, and have been astounded at the care and kindness I have had from people, even those who have a dragon-ish reputation.

Secondly, you need to get some control here. You are within your rights to say clearly and calmly that he cannot take the children in the car. In fact, please let me tell you - that is putting them in harms way. Do not allow this to happen.

I don't mean to guilt trip you, but it's what got me in the end- your children are picking up on every second of this. They would be better off living in a shoebox wearing bin bags than thinking this is how relationships work.

I decided to leave, and then stayed, and changed my mind again and again, because really my dh is very unwell. However, his risk taking behaviour never got better, so I couldn't manage it. That orocess of taking time to decide has made it easy to know this is the right decision. What I'm trying to say is, take your time. This is a process, and you will not be able to make a decision overnight.

If and when you do leave, prepare for him to become more unwell. There is nothing you can do about this. My dh attempted suicide yesterday. I am so pleased my little boy did not see the fallout, we are safely staying with my family.

Please put yourself and you children first. Hope all is ok for you this weekend. Oh, and make threads on mumsnet. I have had a couple over the last two years, and found them massively helpful even if I didn't act on the advice straight away.

One last thing, that feeling of being stuck - it's natural. You literally cannot see a way out of this, but there is a way out. Start talking to people around you and let someone help you find the way. You can't do it alone. You are very strong, and that's why your husband has relied on you to sort everything out. This strength will be your best asset to make changes.

I'm also now separated (and getting divorced) from somebody who was also in a very bad way for a long time. In my case it was an ongoing medical condition coupled with recurring mental health issues. I only realised once it was over how completely and utterly exhausting it was trying to maintain a normal facade in front of others whilst dealing with somebody so horrendous behind closed doors.

The one thing I want to say is that it is NOT your responsibility to help him. It feels like it sometimes - you want to try this, that, the next thing... looking for that magic combination when they might listen, see the light, improve and take responsibility for the impact their behaviour is having on everybody else. My stbxh also had a bad anger problem and I spent YEARS wondering how someone could consistently bring such horrible atmospheres into the home with no regard as to how it would destroy any sense of peace and calm.

I too have two young children, and I felt utterly paralysed by my apparent 'lack of choice'. However, one day he told me he wanted a divorce, and suddenly I saw things with immense clarity. I knew that was it, for good, no turning back (we'd talked about it a lot before during arguments but for some reason, this time, I knew it was right). I told people straight away. I felt as though the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders, mentally. Whatever difficulty you perceive in "doing this to the children", or depriving them of a full-time live-in father figure, or whatever... I can honestly tell you that there is such enormous calm in our home now, such (relative!) normality, that I KNOW they are better off.

Since we separated, I think my ex is actually starting to sort his issues out. I am supportive of him, but cannot tell you how many times I have felt pleased that it is no longer able to affect my life in the way it did. I can close the door on it all at night. He has to sort himself out - take responsibility for his physical and mental health issues. The sad truth in my ex's case is that I know he has to love himself enough to want to be better, and that is a very difficult battle to win when you've had a traumatic childhood.