Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Work and relationship

64 replies

Sylviasfamily · 30/05/2014 20:37

I don't want to give too many specifics but I would like to see what other people think about this scenario.

One male boss and female subordinate. They have partners and are in long term relationships separately. He is 40 and she is 30 going on 16.

They are always at each other's desks, joking and laughing. He has jokes with her about him being her favourite. She says she would only attend work do if he is coming too. He calls her naughty. She talks about him all the time, and knows his diary like the back of her hand. He also touches/shakes the back of her chair which seems a little weird as he does it to nobody else.

Is there something going on between these two?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sylviasfamily · 31/05/2014 19:13

Fairenuff Point taken

There are really 2 issues here:

The bigger one being that he may be cheating on his wife. She probably will not be very happy if he is. None of my business and I'll keep out

The lesser issue is what is going on at work and the way the relationship is perceived by everybody else. This is my business and I will talk to him about it

OP posts:

WildBill · 31/05/2014 19:17

But it's not your business, it really isn't and I fail to see why you think it is, How the relationship is perceived by everyone else is nothing to do with you either. You are far too involved in this............it's weird.

Original poster

Sylviasfamily · 31/05/2014 20:31

Maybe I am in the wrong and should let it go then. It is hard to explain but work dynamics are changing because of this. Anyway, it does not affect me.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 31/05/2014 20:56

Are they really changing, or are they changing because you are focusing on what these two are up to? In other words, if you stopped focusing on them and just got on with stuff as you usually do, would things be much the same as they always are?

Fairenuff · 31/05/2014 21:03

If it were my friend, I would speak to the man first and tell him how it looked. If he didn't change, I would tell him that, as his wife's friend, I would have to tell her.

I would always tell my friend, in the kindest possible way and then support them in whatever they wanted to do about it. I would hate her to find out that he was cheating and she was the last to know.

But as it's only flirting at the moment, I would give him the opportunity to stop.

Quitelikely · 31/05/2014 21:13

Hmmm I suppose what they are doing is upsetting your moral fibre and rightly so but tbh you might as well just keep out of it. You won't get any thanks for it and to be quite frank it's none of your business what they are or aren't getting up to.

We can't tell you either. We can guess but what good is that? It will just fuel your thoughts on the matter. IMO your wasting head space on these two folk.......

AreYouFeelingLucky · 31/05/2014 21:14

Nothing good will come of you speaking to him.

If they have feelings for each other, or are sleeping together, you'll drive it under ground. He'll tell her why they need to be discreet at work, and they'll both dislike you for it.

If nothing is going on, you'll be accusing your boss of having an affair. He won't like that. You'll have to justify why you think he is, and that'll look creepy. It will end any out-of-work friendship that you have. If you say "people are talking", expect him to ask who.

It doesn't sound like anything is happening here. Your mind has made this big, and now you can't let it go.

Rightallalong · 31/05/2014 23:52

OMG! This is my ex isn't it?

Makes me sick when I see this sort of thing. They are at it!

They don't think anyone's worked it out but everyone has.

Always makes me cringe. I made ex DP declare his affair to his boss as he was about to give her feedback that influences her bonus! Thank god he did as his boss made him step down from providing any feedback and HR had to be informed of their now 'personal' relationship so there can be no in discrepancies in the future.

Silly bastard wasn't going to though...he'd have been fired!

He can't quite believe his bonus this year...

Rightallalong · 31/05/2014 23:57

On the subject of you getting involved - don't.

His wife will sort him out when it surfaces, and it will.

If he wants to be unprofessional then let him.

If she wants to be a dickhead, let her.

It's excruciating to watch but I wouldn't worry about it. People usually take a dim view of the crapness of a married man cheating. I've worked in plenty of places where that's been the case!

Original poster

Sylviasfamily · 01/06/2014 01:28

Rightallalong He does provide her feedback which will affect her bonus. He has also assigned work to her that is above her capacity, and this is giving him the chance to have endless one to one meetings with her. People at work have started gossiping/joking about it. E.g. Where is the boss? Follow the subordinate and you'll find him. If you need to check boss's diary, just ask subordinate.

Agreed, I'm not getting involved either way, and will stop thinking about it now. I think they are at it too.

OP posts:

Pugaboo · 01/06/2014 08:49

From a professional perspective you would be well within your rights to say that it appears he favours her professionally and gives her work more suited to others.

At least it may curb the behaviour in the workplace which you say is causing an atmosphere.

Fairenuff · 01/06/2014 13:37

You could leave an anonymous note on his desk. From a 'concerned' colleague.

The thing is, if they really think no-one has noticed when in reality everyone is gossiping about them, I do feel that he should be told.

So many people claim to 'sleep walk' into affairs. One thing led to another, it got out of control, etc. A sharp dose of reality might be enough to shock him out of it.

If his wife wasn't a friend of yours, I would agree - leave it alone. But if my friend was witnessing my dh doing this and decided to stay out of it, I would question whether they really were my friend.

greenffrog · 01/06/2014 14:09

I agree with the 'when this behaviour stops is when they're shagging' theory, doesn't sound like they are yet.

Do you think he is flattered by the attention and is sleepwalking into something or do you think he knows what's going on and and is pursuing her as much as she is him? If it's the former I may say something, if it's the latter I'd stay out of it.

From your posts it seems like you blame her but he sounds just as bad

sonjadog · 01/06/2014 16:55

I also agree that they probably aren't doing it. Like another poster said, those who are are usually the ones no-one is talking about. Like myself, for example. I was doing the janitor for two years at my work and not one person made any comment ever to me, or to the few work friends who knew about it.

If you mention it to him, it may have the opposite effect to the one you want. It may make them pursue their "friendship" in secret, meet up outside the office and talk about what they want from each other. In order words, your interference may the the catalyst for the physical affair starting.

So if I were you, I'd get on with my job and let them do what they do.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread