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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you walk away with nothing? Your opinion, please...

54 replies

chattybetty · 30/05/2014 19:14

I am in two minds about this and have been for a while...and I hope some advice may help me to decide what to do.

I was married for 15 years to a man I dearly loved and we have 2 small children. The marriage was not a happy one for either of us but I married for life and put all my efforts into making it work. I discovered that since he met me, I was being cheated on with many, many women. He felt I was too good and strong-minded so tried to break me by being terribly emotionally violent, with the occasional push or kick or spit in the face.

One day, one of his mistresses found me and told me that she had a child with him who was just a few months younger than our younger child. I then went through his things and discovered that his cheating started right when he met me and never stopped. He was gutted but felt quite pleased with himself that it was the final blow for me. I am almost divorced now but here comes my question.

He does not want to give me a penny in the financial settlement. Nothing, zero, nil. I have waited for over a year for him to change his mind as I don't want to fight but it has caused me great stress. It has now reached a point when I just want to tell him to stick it in his a--e and walk away with nothing but with peace on my mind. But then I feel like an idiot that I am leaving all that belongs to my children to him only for him to spend money on himself and his girlfriends. And I will be left telling the kids, sorry, you cannot go on a school trip because I cannot afford it or sorry, you cannot invite your friends over because I have no money left to buy food for your tea.

So the question is: do I fight for what belongs to me and suffer a year or two of terrible stress or do I run away with nothing but worry about how I am going to financially cope?

Sorry about the long post and thanks for any good advice.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/05/2014 19:16

You fight for what is fair for you to be able to support and take care of your children.

It is your duty towards them.

oikopolis · 30/05/2014 19:17

You need to talk to a solicitor OP.

I'm so sorry for all you've gone through. He sounds vile.

MintyCoolMojito · 30/05/2014 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anomaly · 30/05/2014 19:19

Fight! It will help in the long financially and for your self esteem. Its not his money or yours its for the kids and you need to find the energy to fight.

onetiredmummy · 30/05/2014 19:19

You need legal advice OP & to go to the CSA for maintenance.

Do you have a solicitor handling your divorce?

MintyCoolMojito · 30/05/2014 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BosieDufflecoat · 30/05/2014 19:22

I am so sorry for what you've been through. It sounds as though you know what the best thing would be to do, and you need some encouragement.

  1. Of course he doesn't want to give you a penny. Doesn't mean it's going to work out his way, though.
  1. If you walk away with zero, and two children, the next year or two are going to bring a certain amount of stress, surely? So if they're going to be stressful whatever, make sure you come through them with something.

From reading some extraordinary turnaround stories on these threads, I think that once you start fighting, you'll feel better than if you just let him walk all over you. You'll come through it feeling a lot stronger than if you let him get away with it all.

comingintomyown · 30/05/2014 19:25

Do not walk away whatever you do because once it's done there's no going back

Like others have said you owe it to your DC if nothing else

mineofuselessinformation · 30/05/2014 19:25

Definitely don't walk away and leave this....
If nothing else, you owe it to your children that they have a financially stable home - they have no part in their father's wrong-doing.
Come to that, nor do you. You've invested fifteen years of your life in this man.
I know how emotionally wearing all of this can be (it was ultimately three and a half years after separating that my decree absolute came through). My best advice is to find a bit of anger and fight inside yourself and use it to keep going.

Original poster
chattybetty · 30/05/2014 19:28

Thanks for the encouragement for me to fight! My solicitor wants me to fight as well as I am entitled to more then half of his property and a slice of his generous pension. If it was just me, I would not take anything if it meant never having to speak to him again. I can look after myself. However, this is for OUR children! His reply is that if I cannot look after them (financially) myself, he will if I allow them to live with him. NEVER EVER this is going to happen. PS He dropped his pregnant girlfriend like a hot potato when she told him the news about her pregnancy and he has not seen the kid.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 30/05/2014 19:32

Please, please get legal advice - my friend walked away from her long term relationship (30 years) with nothing as she wanted to take the 'moral high ground' - fortunately no children involved. But she has found it incredibly difficult to find work or anywhere half decent to live (who wants to rent a bedroom in a shared house when they are in their 50s Sad) and she has now ended up in a live in relationship with someone whom she is not in love with, just so that she can have a reasonable standard of living.

MintyCoolMojito · 30/05/2014 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2014 19:46

Fight. But do it all through your solicitor. Let them take it on for you. You don't have to do any of it (except pay, out of your settlement, but Good God it will be worth it just to wipe that shit-eating smile off his face)

holdyourown · 30/05/2014 19:51

Do it for your childrens' sake - he might have other children further down the line and it's only fair your dcs should get their share.
Sorry you are going through this Thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2014 19:56

Definitely put it all in the hands of your solicitor. Mediation doesn't work with unreasonable people and, even if you have to fork out a lot of what you gain in legal fees, it's better than your ex having it.

ImperialBlether · 30/05/2014 19:57

Fight for it for yourself and for your children.

Is he kidding? He has tried to destroy you in every way and is now suggesting taking the children from you, since he has destroyed you financially?

Get angry. This man is a monster. Protect yourself and your children, get away from him and look forward to a happier life without him.

Sleepyhoglet · 30/05/2014 19:59

Do not give up. He wants you to feel weak. It is yours.

cozietoesie · 30/05/2014 20:02

He's continuing to try to ride roughshod over you even in the divorce process - and he'll keep on doing it afterwards unless he's taught a lesson. Let your solicitor fight him for that which you're entitled to - it might be stressful but it's not just for you: you want to have what you deserve partly so that your children can avoid being manipulated in the same way.

tipsytrifle · 30/05/2014 20:02

Totally what AF said. Good luck!

HermioneWeasley · 30/05/2014 20:10

What AF says. Come back here and tell us about your settlement and we'll have a virtual party for you.

Hit him where it hurts.

expatinscotland · 30/05/2014 20:24

Solicitor. Don't engage with him at all.

MintyCoolMojito · 30/05/2014 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sleepyhoglet · 30/05/2014 20:36

Loads of people on here with relevant experience so use the virtual support to get you through.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2014 20:49

If you are worried about what solicitors may cost, in your situation I would rather the money went to them than him anyway

but they will take their fee out your settlement...it's how it works

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/05/2014 22:32

I would nail the fuckers arse to the wall with a copy of the divorce settlement to read while he is there.

Please find your inner bitch op Thanks if you can't I'll be happy to lend you some of mine I'm incensed on your behalf, please don't roll over your fighting for your kids as well.

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