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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you walk away with nothing? Your opinion, please...

54 replies

chattybetty · 30/05/2014 19:14

I am in two minds about this and have been for a while...and I hope some advice may help me to decide what to do.

I was married for 15 years to a man I dearly loved and we have 2 small children. The marriage was not a happy one for either of us but I married for life and put all my efforts into making it work. I discovered that since he met me, I was being cheated on with many, many women. He felt I was too good and strong-minded so tried to break me by being terribly emotionally violent, with the occasional push or kick or spit in the face.

One day, one of his mistresses found me and told me that she had a child with him who was just a few months younger than our younger child. I then went through his things and discovered that his cheating started right when he met me and never stopped. He was gutted but felt quite pleased with himself that it was the final blow for me. I am almost divorced now but here comes my question.

He does not want to give me a penny in the financial settlement. Nothing, zero, nil. I have waited for over a year for him to change his mind as I don't want to fight but it has caused me great stress. It has now reached a point when I just want to tell him to stick it in his a--e and walk away with nothing but with peace on my mind. But then I feel like an idiot that I am leaving all that belongs to my children to him only for him to spend money on himself and his girlfriends. And I will be left telling the kids, sorry, you cannot go on a school trip because I cannot afford it or sorry, you cannot invite your friends over because I have no money left to buy food for your tea.

So the question is: do I fight for what belongs to me and suffer a year or two of terrible stress or do I run away with nothing but worry about how I am going to financially cope?

Sorry about the long post and thanks for any good advice.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/05/2014 22:37

If you are in England/Wales you are very unlikely to get divorce finalised if you don't get a "reasonable" financial settlement from the marital home.

Iswallowedawatermelon · 30/05/2014 22:37

Follow your solicitors advice and do it for your children. He sounds like a horrible man :(

Cabrinha · 30/05/2014 22:46

It's all very well doing it for the children... but in my opinion it's perfectly acceptable to screw the fucking arsehole for every penny you can just to punish him.
DO IT!!!

But honestly - it is rightfully your money. If you don't take half of it, you have let him steal from you. Or at least, you are giving him the money. Not the other way round. Look - if you have £10K in a bank account, would you go withdraw it and hand it over? Would you fuck. But that's what you're suggesting here - giving him your money.

If you don't have the stomach for a fight, I say this to you:

  1. Get one!
  2. In any case, leave it to your solicitor so you don't deal with him
  3. Even if you don't "fight" him, for the sake of a solicitor's letter or two, you will get much of what you deserve. If your solicitor writes to his/him and says you want 50/50 of house and pension and no further negotiation, there'd be no "fighting". Eventually it'd go to court, and you'd get it. No fighting at all.

Please, do not give this piece of shit your money.

IWillIfHeWill · 30/05/2014 22:53

Its your right and don't you give up on it. I know you feel defeated. But push, more than you are comfortable with. That's what I used to tell myself, during the divorce and after. Fight for your rights.

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/05/2014 22:58

I had to go the court route over financial settlement, as Ex would not submit financial information nor enter into meaningful negotiation without this. Yes, it was stressful. But what really did help was that, from the moment of beginning the court proceedings, a timetable (though a relatively flexible one) came into force, and I could start to see that there would be an end to this, one way or another, in the fairly forseeable future.

I had a great solicitor, and got what I wanted - and so did he, mostly. He though he represented himself - so my own solicitor had to explain (to him and to me) why some of his proposals were out of the running, rather than his own solicitor discussing them with him and advising!

QuintessentiallyQS · 30/05/2014 23:02

Your children will thank for finding your spine on their behalf. You go for what you and your children are legally eligible to get, you go girl!

WellWhoKnew · 30/05/2014 23:38

Okay, if you are still thinking 'but it's just so hard' (and it is, I agree) here's an Economic approach:

A sure fire investment will cost between 5k - 15K. Assuming that your alternative is to leave the same amount in the bank for a year at current exchange rate (1%), after one year, that money gains you 50 pounds - 150 pounds, in the bank (in a current account) or say 150 pounds - 450 pounds in an ISA. That's assuming you don't need to spend it now.

You may not have 5K/15K to hand now, but some solicitors will deduct their fees from the settlement and not upfront.

What will that 50 - 450 pounds per annum buy you per year?

However, if to obtain a settlement, you will receive any amount above the legal fees, then you can still put that into the current account/ISA and have that earn interest, which your children can then use to pay for Uni/a future home/have wicked parties.

In fact, you could do the latter too!

If, however, you pay 5/15K and your settlement is anything less than that - they yes, walk away now. It will come down to the marital assets.

Put your Emotional head on:

This is to enable your children to have opportunities, that otherwise, they would not get.

Put your Practical head on:

Employing a solicitor is an investment. They take the strain. The law is actually quite specific dividing up matrimonial assets - it's just that the better off participant sometimes thinks the law is an ass. It is merely a process to ensure that the law is applied to your unique circumstances.

So once you decide to fight your corner, you employ someone to get in the ring. And then you cheer loudly from the sidelines.

(And that, Dear Husband, is why I have my own solicitor).

BosieDufflecoat · 30/05/2014 23:44

If you don't like the thought of a fight, don't think of it as fighting. Just treat it as a temporary job you have to do, involving emails and phone calls, that you will get paid for in the end.

The solicitor will deal with him, so you don't have to.

So many people here have done this. We will all encourage you in your new job!

MargotThreadbetter · 31/05/2014 00:25

Do you know what? If that bastard spat in my face, for that alone I would take great pleasure in taking his nasty little arse to the cleaners and then back again. Hope you've got a ball breaking solicitor.

Rooting for you OP!

mineofuselessinformation · 31/05/2014 13:44

Just to give you a bit more 'oomph', OP, I should have told you that the reason my divorce took so long was because I would not agree to the financial terms my XH wanted (he even threatened to stop paying maintenance if I didn't go along with him). Ultimately, he took me to court to force a financial settlement. Suffice to say, it didn't go AT ALL the way he wanted. He is still very bitter about it (shame!) I'm not, it's what my children deserved.

bibliomania · 31/05/2014 16:33

Don't roll over and submit because he's a bully. And as other posters have said, it doesn't mean you should be having confrontations with him. Refer any attempts to discuss it to your solicitors, and communicate with him only when it's to do with practical arrangements regarding the dcs. Get as close to no contact as you can.

As for taking your dcs, it sounds as if he is using that simply because it's the worst threat he can think of - given he's totally ignored another dc, I would be hugely surprised if he has intention of to get your dcs (and frankly, even if he wanted it, it doesn't mean he'd get it, given that you are presumably the parent who does most of the care).

If anybody else tried to steal from your dcs, would you meekly concede just because it feels to hard to challenge it?

chattybetty · 01/06/2014 16:13

Thank you, ladies! For your advice, encouragement and telling me what I was hoping to hear. I am a good natured person so taking something from somebody who doesn't want to give it is still difficult but I know it belongs to my children. Most of all, as I don't know how many other children he may have out there, I want to take it now before there is nothing left. And I completely agree, that him having to sell his house will be the biggest blow to him. However, as I moved on with my life a long time ago, I feel there are no winners in all this...and I don't even want any revenge anymore. Apart from wanting to find the best, most loving and faithful man while nobody wants him!!!

OP posts:
Fontella · 01/06/2014 16:24

Chatty - take it from someone who did walk away with nothing - don't do it darling!

I have no regrets about getting shot of the ex, but I so regret not fighting for what for what I was due. At the time I was so grateful to be free of him, I'd have lived in a tent and eaten baked beans for a year, and I was so confident I could build myself back up again financially, but that hasn't been the case.

It's been a huge struggle, I now live in a rented house even though I owned my own place before I got together with the ex and sold to move in with him, and we had a big house and business together. I've had long periods without a car, and all the cars I've had have been what you'd call 'old bangers'. We've had little in the way of holidays (a week in a caravan here and there), all my furniture is second hand and there's been a lot of make do and mend.

I pay my way, and I've done my best to ensure that my kids never did without - school trips etc, but it's been a hard slog and lots and lots of sleepless nights wondering how the hell I was going to pay the rent and so on.

Get what you are entitled to, regardless of whether he wants to give it to you or not. Fight for your rights and for your kids.

43percentburnt · 01/06/2014 17:49

Find the best solicitor you can and make sure you believe they will fight tooth and nail for you.

When your ex says you are money grabbing, you will never win, blah blah blah, say 'hell yeah I will fight to the end, I will not settle for anything less than I am entitled to and I don't give a shit what the solicitor fee is at the end of it' you may find he settles quicker.

Tired10years · 01/06/2014 18:15

I'm very tempted to keep quiet here, especially as you have said that what you are hearing is what you wanted to hear... But..in case anyone else is reading hoping for a different view.. I walked away with nothing and am glad I did.
I took my two DD's and rented a house nearby our marital home to maintain their links with now exH, school etc. luckily I had a job and as it was pre-coalition gov I got enough taxes credits to help with child care.
Taking arguing over money out of the equation I think helped us maintain enough civility to deal with contact arrangements. I signed the mortgage over to him and even paid the fees.
Very occasionally I feel resentful about losing out financially but I feel free. I will probably never own a property now and that may be a problem long term but otherwise no regrets.

cozietoesie · 01/06/2014 18:23

It sounds, though, as if you made a purposeful decision, Tired - and you did have a job and enough money (with credits) to manage. I think that's a different situation to the OP. Did your ex spit in your face and propose to leave you with absolutely nothing?

Damnautocorrect · 01/06/2014 19:14

I left without anything, I wouldn't recommend it and I didn't have kids. It eats me away knowing he's sitting pretty financially whilst I can't provide for my now son, I can't give him the stability and financial future he deserves all because that arse wipe.

Fight, wait it out and play the long game.

chattybetty · 02/06/2014 11:22

Tired10years, thanks for sharing your (mostly) positive personal experience. I am glad, you have added your view, even when it is the complete opposite what everyone else is saying. The more perspective I can get, the better.

Until I was in my mid-twenties, I was so hard-up, at times I could not afford even a bus ticket to town and to save money, I would walk. As this absolutely-no-money-left period lasted for so long, it profoundly affected me in that I do worry about future and all the what ifs. I do not want to deprive my children of anything if I can help it...I know that my love is everything to them but at the same time we live in a society where having no money has a very big impact on one's quality of life...

...And I know that I would regret not taking what belongs to my children as soon as his other kids/new kids have more then ours ones do.

OK, my mind is made up now and I am going for it. Thanks everyone for the final virtual push!

OP posts:
SpottieDottie · 02/06/2014 11:32

Fight him for it. It might not even need to get to court IF he listens to his solicitor.

Fontella · 02/06/2014 11:32

Betty,

Your thread got me thinking last night, after I posted.

Looking back over the past 10 years since I split with the ex. Life had been really good in all respects, apart that is, from the lack of money.

It has been the most constant and debilitating source of stress in my life to the point it's made me ill on occasions - weird rashes, outbreaks of psoriasis (which I've never had previously), shattered nerves, and I've lost count of the sleepless nights I've spent worrying. I've had times when I honestly haven't know where the next penny is coming from and I've had to go and sell belongings or borrow money from relatives (which I absolutely hate - hate asking, hate having to be in that position) to get me out of the shit.

Even now my kids are older and have part-time jobs, it's still an issue to some extent and even though I'm working all the time, it's a very hand to mouth existence and I don't have savings or anything to fall back on. I also do worry about the future a lot, although I try not to.

Please don't cave in like I did. Take the bastard for everything you are entitled to.

Fontella
x

chattybetty · 02/06/2014 11:48

Fontella, it is heart-breaking to read how all that has affected you and your children. Sending you a big hug!

I always thought that when I leave, as long as I don't have to put up with his awful behaviour and treatment, I will be fine. I was more than fine before I met him. But with two small children and no family in this country, it would be so hard not to have any money in the bank that I could fall on. I want to spend at least some time with the little ones as most of the time, he completely ignores them. I am everything to them. We have lovely friends but they have their own lives and battles to fight.

He cannot control me anymore so he tries to bully me financially as that is the last thing he has left. He kept being physically violent towards me for years and one day I just had enough and called the police. He is careful since then. However, he still decides when he gives me the money just for the pleasure of showing me that he still has some power.

And yes, I do call him worse than bastard, I have no fear of him anymore. But you know what? Despite of everything he has done to me, I don't want to ruin him. I want him to have a happy life...as long I never have to be around him. And he truly believes, I will not make him sell the house. But I will.

THANK YOU! x

OP posts:
Fontella · 02/06/2014 12:04

That's what I thought. Just being free of him was worth a million quid. I'd get by, I'm clever, resourceful, I'd work (self-employed) all the hours god sends and I'd be fine.

What I didn't realise was it's not so easy with a four year old and a six year old. We started off in a one bed flat (I slept in the lounge) and then got a HA place. Nice little house but the area is a bit meh. Not rough exactly but quite hard to come to terms with when you've always owned your own place and lived in a nice area etc. But I've got over all that now and am grateful for what I have, even if it ain't much. Grin

I made a conscious decision not to fight and I do regret it. I could have. Even though we weren't married, I'd put proceeds of my house into his, worked in the business for years, my family also 'gave' him a big wodge of money to do the house up when the kids came along and I would have been able to prove all this.

I thought to myself, if the money makes him happy let him have it, but it was definitely the wrong thing to do. He has also never paid a penny towards their upbringing either. A few quid on their birthdays and Christmas and that's about it.

You go girl! Get what is rightly yours for yourself and for your kids. Do post back and let us know how you get on won't you?

Good luck.

chattybetty · 02/06/2014 12:14

I will send an update and whether it has been worth all the stress and sleepless nights...

He will drag his feet for as long as he can though so I post my reply in a year or two! Smile

OP posts:
Norest · 02/06/2014 12:40

Wishing you all the best and sending you lots of warrior-type vibes. You are right to fight in this instance, and you sound like the sort of person who has an awful lot of strength and courage. I think you will be just fine, more than just fine actually, and the fight will be worth it.

I agree with what other posters have said about using places like mumsnet for support during this process, I have no doubt there will be loads of people (as this thread proves) wishing you the best and supporting you and willing you on if it gets tough.

Good luck Thanks

chattybetty · 02/06/2014 13:02

Norest...What a lovely message, I was not expecting so much kindness...

I have gone such a long walk... I will always force myself up because of my two little darlings...

OP posts:
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