How to survive when one of you works away from home

[Dotty342kids]

Hello all,

Through various circumstances we've ended up living in a small town in the west country and my husband's work is in Surrey commuter land (2.5hrs away). He used to pretty much work from home Mondays and Fridays and be away Tues morning through to a Thursday evening. That was ok as I could enjoy a couple of days peace and quiet and sole control of the tv and then he'd be back
However, increasingly he can be away for 3-4 nights during the week instead, with the occasional weekend conference or whole week away thrown into the mix and it's getting much harder to manage.
When he's away I get into a regular way of doing things with the children (aged 9 & 11), of parenting, of running the household etc and increasingly, when he comes home I now feel that he's disrupting things, going against what I've been doing and generally getting in the way. He feels increasingly detached from family life and as though he's treated as a nuisance (by me) when he does return. Weekends are hard too as he's knackered from being away and just wants to chill out at home but I've spent all week working / being stuck at home and want to go out and do stuff!
Moving closer to his work is something we toyed with a couple of years ago but both me and the children were really distressed at the thought of leaving where we live (we've been here since our 9yr old was born), plus we'd have only been able to afford a smaller place which none of us wanted to do. A year ago my mum, widowed a year previously, also uprooted herself and moved to where we are, which makes moving away even more impossible now.
The sector he works in is almost entirely based in the South East, there really are no jobs here that he could do that would pay the mortgage!

Anyway, the question I want to ask is does anyone else manage the whole "one partner working away thing" and how do you make it work rather than the two of you drifting further and further into separate lives?

Bump

Sorry Dotty I have no solution

It sounds pretty rotten for your DH, to be honest. Can you really not move, at least before the DC are in secondary? (assuming the 9 year old is the eldest). I think I'd rather be together in a smaller place, although I totally sympathise about the high costs in the SE - although the SW isn't exactly bargain basement. Have you looked into areas like Medway which remain reasonably priced? Could you get a job if you don't have one, and DH find something local/retrain? What does DH want long term?

Sorry, just seen that you do work.

These situations HAVE to have an end date or you run into the problems you are experiencing, You will start to live separated lives, him 2 half lives and you not quite this but as you say you get used to your own space. You are already seeing him as a detachment from the family which is why he 'gets in the way'.

I see no option but for you to move. If your husband was a contractor then it might work for a year or so but if this is his permanent contract you need to move. I think it unfair to expect your husband to live like this because you don't wish to leave and go to a smaller house etc. You either value your husband and family over the value you put on your location and current house or things will get increasingly strained.

Both DP and I have done a lot of working away over the last 15 years or so. I worked away for about five years for three weeks out of every 4 and he has done the same for about the last ten years. The one thing that both DP and I agree on is that it gives you freedom from domestic drudgery. You finish your work and go back to your hotel to eat your meal, watch TV or read a book and go to sleep. Other than your work you have no responsibilities.

Unless your DH is working round the clock or putting in loads of extra hours I don't understand why he is so knackered when he gets home. Both to me and DP the periods of working away were welcome breaks where we could catch up on sleep and relax and quite frankly just be selfish with our time. But with the understanding that we would muck in when we came home to relieve whoever had been left with the childcare and domestic duties. I could well be wrong but I suspect - from my own experience - that your DH might just be being economical about how busy and tired he actually is when he returns home.

And no, I wouldn't consider moving. Your DC are 9 and 11. They will soon become old enough to be going out with their friends without wanting their parents tagging along. Uprooting them from that and their network of friends would not be a good thing. They will soon be fairly independent. Moving them now would be bonkers. For you and them.

Oh and fitting into the family routine isn't that hard. DP would just say DS can watch TV till 8pm, when he goes to bed and we read a chapter of his book. Fine. And I would do the same when he came home, just tell him the routine we were in and he would happily go along with it. It's not difficult, it's just about good communication.

Thanks for your thoughts, on both the "move for your DH" and "make it work as you are" side of things!
It's interesting to read about how people have made it work, and also confirming some of my worst fears about what could happen if it all continues ad infinitum.
I do work, but from home so that's flexible. Our oldest is 11 and about to go to the excellent local secondary school. The thought of moving him to somewhere we don't know and have no knowledge of the schools in, fills me with dread. Plus we have the issue of my mum now.
It's hard!

Realistically, can you see your marriage surviving this if you carry on long term? Because it sounds, from what you say, like you can't.

Then, having honestly answered that question, you need to honestly ask yourself if you want it to survive.

If you do, something needs to give. Either DH needs to get a new job or you need to move. Being attached to a house is not a good enough reason but, if you don't want to move desperately, then DH needs to change career.

Pottering no, come on. Unless the OP's DH is a heart/brain surgeon who needs to be on call and alert for 24 hrs he is taking the piss. There are very few people who need to work 24 hours a day that would leave them so knackered whilst staying in a hotel with zero responsibilities that they couldn't interact or help out with their family when they returned home. He doesn't need a new job, he needs to remember the one he has.

We did 6 months of DH being away M-F.
It was bloody hard (kids were / are much younger than yours). We had an end in sight. I wouldn't want it long term.
It sounds to me like relocating isn't really on the cards.
Is it possible to get back to the original - working from home some of the week?
Or compressed hours when he's away, so does 4 long days, and is home thurs night?

From what DH has said from a work meeting earlier this week, we are facing him flying to Europe most weeks for several months. Guessing that is going to include being on the 6am flight to Amsterdam. I'm not looking forward to that. I would be pushing here for at least one week based in the UK every month.

What has made him change his hours so much?

It seems like it was working for you ok.

Got to say I'm with shiney - I work away often doing 14 hrs days for 4days running. When I get home it's my turn to do a bedtime and generally muck in and get things done around the house etc. OH keeps a rough schedule with ds and lets me know any important developments so I can get on with things - a debrief basically - which is useful.

We have some renovation work ongoing and these long term projects give us both something to work towards together which is nice.

Also try to make sure OH can get out of the house alone for a few hrs at the weekend as that's important for his sanity and he did the same for me when our roles were reversed.

Your OH needs to get back into family life and you need to let him in.

I meant he needed a new job that means he could live at home (thus connecting the family back together) not that I think he's genuinely exhausted - I'm fairly certain he's taking the piss massively!

Whether he would carry on behaving like this if the OP and her DH lived together full time is another issue.

Ah ok Pottering. Think we are on the same page with the 'exhaustion.' He's telling massive porkies.

Its a big change in working hours - why is that, new role, more responsibility? Did he discuss those changes with you, as if he had, maybe you'd have rethought then, and discussed it long term and your mum might not have moved near you.

Do you speak much on the phone / skype when he is away? Does he chat to the DC? There are ways of making him more involved.

When my DP is away, he gets a nice rest so agree with Shiny on that score too.

I do not want to be rude, but how can you believe a stranger than your own husband ?? I can say that, I work in a bloomin hard industry, and my burn out rate is fairly high. It is not steady work, but dynamic work. And depending on the direction of the project, anything can and could happen. I would rather use my weekend to catch up on my sleep, and reduce my anxiety level caused thoroughout the week. I think that your husband is working towards a break down soon. Especially based on what you say about him needing the weekend to recover. To be honest, you should never judge one person's working life against another's. Cos you do not know the level or the baseline.

I agree with Wildbill. In hindsight, I think I rather be a brain surgeon, cos at least it is steady work. Never work as a bloomin IT consultant, that is for sure! If his work is always in the SE area, then maybe you can consider those smaller villages in the surrounding outskirts of the main cities? It does exist you know, and quite reasonably priced too. I was contemplating this myself, and I am only a single person paying a single mortgage. There are more and more new builds within the SE area too. I have worked both in the SE and the SW too. If you need further info on areas, I can help you with that. There are some areas that are still possible and not entirely priced out of the equation at all.

I work away, before my child was born every week, since then every other week 4 nights. I'm divorcing, but over his cheating from the outset, so not related to my work location.

I never felt I was a nuisance when I got back or interrupting a routine.

I do think you both need to consider whether it's worth the strain on your marriage. You reckon you can't afford a mortgage on a place you'd want in the SE, how about paying two mortgages when you split up?

If you're going to carry on like this, you need to properly address why he feels like a nuisance. Why do you feel like he's disrupting your parenting? Are you both talking enough in the week to still make joint parenting decisions? For him to feel connected to every day life for you?

sounds like you really need to move, OP, the fear of unfamiliar doesn't mean that you couldn't actually like a new place or that schools won't be good there! Buy a house with granny annexe maybe, for Mum? or a bigger house in a village that it's expensive.
Unless of course you have a serious chat with your DH with a view of him chaning back to the old schedule (but may be impossible).

'isn't expensive'

It doesn't sound feasible long-term. The commute issue isn't going to go away until retirment age. I think it would be a better 'investment' in the family future to have the disruption of moving now, then settling down in a new place than have the disruption and long-term situation if you were to split up at some point because being away makes him more detached, his return is disruptive and you have differing needs at weekends etc.

Presumably staying somewhere close to work costs money, which could be diverted to mortgage?

It is daunting to move and to uproot the kids from their friends and schools but lots of kids do it and cope fine.

I speak from experience.
I used to work away 14 days on the trot including weekends. 2 weeks on 2 off. When I got home all I wanted was to sit on our sofa, eat a home cooked meal and curl up and watch tv, just do anything that meant being in the haven of home. I was also exhausted from the hours, the travelling etc.

Living in hotels is a novelty at first but is actually a very lonely existance over long periods of time. Myself and all of my colleagues had the same issues with wanting to relax and just be at home when they got back and partners who wanted to go out etc.
There was a high marriage break up rate amongst colleagues, I remember one who actually got the chance to return home a couple of days early but chose not to as 'she had her routine and didn't like it upset'. They are divorced now.

I can sympathise greatly with your husband here. I think you need to pay much more attention to how he feels with everything, If he feels like someone who is in the way when he is home and whose only purpose is to bring in money for the remote family then you have major problems brewing.
He's already living a half life and if he doesn't feel needed/involved when he gets home......well you don't want him to drift off completely do you?.............

Sorry, I hadn't noticed the children's ages in your original post. Speaking as a teacher (and also my DF changed jobs for promotions etc and we all had to move three or four times for his career) moving a child in year 7 or 8 is a lot better than doing it in year 9 or 10. I think sit down with DH and look at every single option without prejudice and make a plan to be achieved within say, two years, that addresses everyone's needs and is affordable. Don't just sleep walk into breaking up.

Anyway, the question I want to ask is does anyone else manage the whole "one partner working away thing" and how do you make it work rather than the two of you drifting further and further into separate lives?

Ok. I do not want to scare you but. I work in IT. Many men are consultants. Which means mobility is a must. I have heard colleagues mentioned that even the best in the industry, (and people indeed DO) move around the globe for their contracts. One guy that I thought we all held high esteem to, also cheated on his wife. He is Australian, and I was shocked, but not surprised. So he has a mistress in Wales, and a wife in Australia. Not sure if she knows or not, but yes, hotel life is quite lonely. I have done this myself too. Even though many of my peers at that stupid and naive time keep on mentioning that "oh, you are globetrotting, that is fantastic", but until they have been in my shoes, they should indeed shut up about that. Even my brother who had to work away from home, often mentioned that his sales guys do have affairs when they are on the road. The whole team goes abroad. Maybe those guys are young and naive, and sold their own souls to the company, but yes, it happens.

If I was in your position, I would indeed find a better living solution which supports both of you too. If you guys fall apart, then the children also is going to suffer as well any way. And yes, having an actual home and family life, does reduce stress for men, ironically. If you push him too much and too hard, without relating to his working life now, things will just get worst and worst for you and resentments will settle, and this will break you guys up entirely. The question is whether you love your husband enough, and if you guys need to remind yourself of our vows and remind yourselves of who you both are as people. Because, if I was in your shoes, I would definitely do that to bring myself closer to my partner at this kind of crucial point in time. Before the cracks appear.

Most of the cleverer managers that I have come across do indeed tow their entire family together and uproot, and so forth. Either that, some couples put their children into private education, so that both of them can be mobile too. Or some other families also let the grandparents raise the children until a certain age, and then the children be with the parents and move together. You need to figure out what kind of life you want, and why.

I also have a friend that is a pilot too, and he definitely need family to ground him, and he uses this to stop himself from depersonalising from the travel. Some guys can learn to adapt and learn to have a strict routine so that it seems more normal than anything.

We have done the working in London, living in SW for 14 yrs.
These are the things that have kept us together:
Trust and wanting to be together.
Working through resentments, me that he has more freedom and him that I have time with the children.
Finding a term time only job so that we can spend all of the holidays up in London with DH.
Me letting the untidiness and lack of my routine go at the weekend.
Taking Friday evening slowly and carefully aswe settle back in.

At the end of the day it is my decision to live in Devon so I have to make compromises to make our lifestyle work.

My situation is slightly different as I am not traveling to one fixed place, however there are some similarities. I travel a lot. I cover about 50 countries over 2 continents and whilst I don't visit them all I am away about 30% of the time.

It is exhausting :I often fly through the night, landing at crazy times, sometime spending less than 24hours in a location that has taken that long to travel to and back. When I am away my "day job" doesn't get done - so I will work all day with the local team, usually have dinner with them which is not something that can be avoided and then pick up the rest during the night. Even without the travel itself being away from home is stressful - I never have everything I need, I don't enjoy living out a suitcase and only ever having what's on the menu rather than what I actually want to eat.

If I've been away for a week the "recovery" period is tough - I always want to have some time off but the reality is that it's the most busy time as so much to catch up on.

I'm sure it drives DH crazy when I come home and screw up the routine and I'm also quite sure it's not sustainable long term unless you learn to accept it is what it is. So I'm afraid if you don't want to move then the compromise is that he doesn't want to go out on the weekends.

I try very hard to ensure I speak to kids in the evening so that I keep in touch with their routine - albeit remotely - which helps and when I'm at home I do as much as I can in terms of meals and bedtime and just generally spending time which I think helps. Is the issue that your DH doesn't get involved or does he try but it's not as you wish?

It sound like you need to work at including him and he needs to work at getting involved.