Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to survive when one of you works away from home

34 replies

Dotty342kids · 30/05/2014 15:33

Hello all,

Through various circumstances we've ended up living in a small town in the west country and my husband's work is in Surrey commuter land (2.5hrs away). He used to pretty much work from home Mondays and Fridays and be away Tues morning through to a Thursday evening. That was ok as I could enjoy a couple of days peace and quiet and sole control of the tv and then he'd be back Smile
However, increasingly he can be away for 3-4 nights during the week instead, with the occasional weekend conference or whole week away thrown into the mix and it's getting much harder to manage.
When he's away I get into a regular way of doing things with the children (aged 9 & 11), of parenting, of running the household etc and increasingly, when he comes home I now feel that he's disrupting things, going against what I've been doing and generally getting in the way. He feels increasingly detached from family life and as though he's treated as a nuisance (by me) when he does return. Weekends are hard too as he's knackered from being away and just wants to chill out at home but I've spent all week working / being stuck at home and want to go out and do stuff!
Moving closer to his work is something we toyed with a couple of years ago but both me and the children were really distressed at the thought of leaving where we live (we've been here since our 9yr old was born), plus we'd have only been able to afford a smaller place which none of us wanted to do. A year ago my mum, widowed a year previously, also uprooted herself and moved to where we are, which makes moving away even more impossible now.
The sector he works in is almost entirely based in the South East, there really are no jobs here that he could do that would pay the mortgage!

Anyway, the question I want to ask is does anyone else manage the whole "one partner working away thing" and how do you make it work rather than the two of you drifting further and further into separate lives?

OP posts:
moonfacebaby · 31/05/2014 10:16

It's a toughie - it killed my marriage....exH has an affair & I think a big part of it was his working away (IT consultant).

Mind you, before he worked away, he didnt pull his weight at home so he was quite selfish & I think having a single man existence during the week (no housework or other responsibilities), just increased his entitlement to do feck all at the weekends as he was tired. Never mind that I was from looking after our DD on my own & working too (albeit part-time).

Mind you, my ex is very good at blaming everyone else for anything that doesn't go his way. So, I think it takes a great deal of compromise on both sides, good communication & equal amounts of empathy for each other.

Whilst the financial gains were good, it just pushed us further apart - he was able to slowly detach from the day to day responsibilty of family life & only wanted to do the fun stuff. My main gripe was that he never had to do any domestic stuff during the week & had time off, so I wanted to share the stuff at the weekends. He wanted to put his feet up or just do the fun stuff - so when did I get a break? Or know that I had an equal partner who would help out with the domestic drudgery?

Sorry I've waffled! Hope you find a way to mak it work Op...

weakandvocal · 31/05/2014 10:19

Where does he stay when he is away?

I would try and put a manifesto in place of how you both see your responsibilites over the month. You have chosen to live a fractured family life and need to work together so that it doesn't become permanent. There have to be rules, maybe at the weekend, he has one day of relaxing at home or a lie in until 11 to recover, then he has to slot in.

Work together to see what you both want, but i would counsel that if he doesn't want to be involved in family life, then that is the first step towards not having one.

Hogwash · 31/05/2014 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phineyj · 31/05/2014 14:05

I also think it can work, but not indefinitely and not when resentments are building up and not being discussed. If you're saying the OP shouldn't move because of schools, is it reasonable that the husband should put up with this situation for another 7-8 years? But they require his salary to live on presumably?

Hogwash · 31/05/2014 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phineyj · 31/05/2014 18:46

I am not disagreeing with you on that hogwash. And most likely the OP and family would have to live some way out of London to make a move affordable anyway - but maybe he'd be less knackered and more available. Who knows.

JaneParker · 31/05/2014 19:57

Most adultery is opportunity not design or wickedness. You never live apart like this unless you have happy to run that risk. Could you go to stay where he is for say one night a week in the middle of the week and your mother who lives near by be with the children so you and your husband have a day and night in the week when you are living with him where he stays when he's working?

Hogwash · 31/05/2014 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dotty342kids · 31/05/2014 21:19

Thank you for all your views. It really has been helpful and interesting to read different perspectives. What is it about IT consultants and infidelity though? [Shock] My DH has very strong views on adultery and I feel secure in that regard at least *touches wood Smile

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page