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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating or intending to find my replacement! What do you think?

29 replies

Funlover123 · 30/05/2014 13:51

So, I was sitting on my computer and saw a screen shot of a youngish girl in I cloud stream. It looked like a profile pic of some sort. It was from p's phone and he'd been looking at it when he was home with me, as the time was on the picture! Piss taker. Anyway, I did a really dumb thing and rang him to ask who the hell it was. This gave him time to come up with something with his horrid work friend. Obviously when you find one thing usually it's the tip of the iceberg IMO.
Anyway, he told me she was a business contact from Linked in, he gave me the password and said have a look. The twunt must have forgotten that the site would show all the women he'd been viewing. There were reams and reams of all VERY attractive women that were NOTHING to do with his line of work even students. I didn't see the girl from the photo on it because I stopped looking in the end, I was so upset.
He said I'm crazy and not all there and it's a business site so what my problem. I'm lucky it's not a porn site or dating site! Hmmm, I'd like to know how he knew you could meet people on porns sites because I didn't.
Anyway what's your opinions as the gas lighting is in full force.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2014 13:53

If you think you're in a relationship with a piss-taker who doesn't take you seriously, act accordingly.... Hmm

Original poster
Funlover123 · 30/05/2014 13:55

You are my favourite person on this site. You always talk utter sense. He won't leave.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2014 13:58

Unpack 'won't leave' a little... Do you live in his property?

Jan45 · 30/05/2014 14:11

I'm kinda thinking from your post that he's got form...?

Original poster
Funlover123 · 30/05/2014 15:53

Read Lundy's book "why does he do that" and the fog lifted and I detached immediately. We live in rented accommodation and I've been a sahm so I can't get another place and out DC goes to school here. He refuses to go and I think he should do the decent thing and not create upheaval for our dc.
He hasn't got form as far as I know.... He never goes out socialising just work but hey who knows.

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/05/2014 15:58

You can end this relationship. And you should.

He does need to go, and you can look at benefits to help with the rent.

Perhaps if he did find some poor unsuspecting woman to take him on though, he would go..

TheWickerWoman · 30/05/2014 16:07

Weird that he's looking on there at women cos it is a business site. Maybe he's a member of other sites not business related that you don't know about?

prh47bridge · 30/05/2014 17:24

LinkedIn is very much a business site. Whilst it could be used for illicit dating it would be an odd place to do that. It certainly isn't what other users are expecting so I doubt you'd get very far.

I presume you started by looking at Connections. By default that lists all contacts. I am not sure how LinkedIn defines that but looking at my own list it includes a large number of people I have never heard of and whose profile I have never looked at. I have no idea how LinkedIn identifies these people as my Contacts, especially since I've never been in contact with most of them in any way, shape or form. I certainly don't regard them as such.

If I then click on "Filter by" and set it to "Connections Only" it shows me people with whom I have chosen to connect - a much shorter list. Some of them are current work colleagues or people I've come into contact with through business. Some of them used to be work colleagues, some are recruitment consultants and some are sales executives for businesses that are potential suppliers. Of course, some of those that were relevant to my job at the time I connected have now moved on and are doing completely different jobs that are unrelated to my work. In some cases I have no idea what they were doing when we connected. I wouldn't connect with them now but at the time they looked potentially useful.

Original poster
Funlover123 · 30/05/2014 17:58

Yes Wicker, that's what I thought. No way of finding out though.

Hissy I have now been hoping for that since I've detached from him but I don't understand why he just won't go.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 30/05/2014 18:15

Not sure if I'm missing something. I take it he's done things in the past which have caused distrust. your decision to ask him to leave isn't just based on this is it?

Original poster
Funlover123 · 30/05/2014 18:33

Thanks PR for the clarification it said PEOPLE YOU VIEWED in his list and he admitted he was looking up women.

OP posts:
WildBill · 30/05/2014 18:37

Men DO look at women on the internet (and irl)

Original poster
Funlover123 · 30/05/2014 19:02

Yeah well maybe they should appreciate what they've got at home more and give attention to their own women! Sitting ogling other women while I'm sitting in the same room and ignoring me constantly. Sorry but to me that's not on in my humble opinion.

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/05/2014 19:32

Honey, he's (at least) emotionally abusive. you don't waant him!

I recognise that this detachment is hard, I found 3yrs on after abusive ex left how odd it was to suspect he was seeing someone else.

Makes no sense, does it?

He's doing this due to contempt of you, and lack of respect to such an extent that he thinks you'll put up with anything.

Make enquiries into benefits, see if you can make the money work, remember you get a council tax reduction of 25% for single occupancy.

Explain to your LL (given it's all affordable) that your 'P' is abusive and you'll be asking him to go, with police if necessary, and would like to take the contract on yourself.

Original poster
Funlover123 · 30/05/2014 19:58

No I've asked him to leave because he is abusive and I'm fed up with it all.

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/05/2014 21:23

Good for you! Now make it happen.

You can, just get advice. have you reported his abuse to anyone? Can you get it documented by your GP, ask for counselling etc? Health visitor?

If you do this, it will add to your weight in getting him to leave.

Original poster
Funlover123 · 30/05/2014 22:03

Thank you so much Hissy. I've been so beaten down over the years I have only one friend and my family are the you made your bed now lie in it types. I feel so lonely all the time.
I've just come home now and he's gone in the bedroom and slammed the door because I didn't bring him something home that he asked me too. I didn't even reply to the text. He doesn't get that he can't just abuse me and forget about it. He was chanting in my face that I'm worth two bob!

I just want an amicable split. He was slagging me off to his friend saying he wants to leave me, he told me that our relationship was a facade and he's hated me for years. So, I read the abuse book detached and said go then. Then the threats came and he won't leave. Contrary.
WHY?

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 30/05/2014 22:44

Because he wants you begging and pleading, you'll change, all that bullshit.

Last thing he was expecting was actually being told to act on his threats to leave.

Hissy · 30/05/2014 22:51

The biggest thing that scares them is you telling you them to go.

Seriously. Embrace that power!

Every shitty thing he says to you is the worst thing he can think of being said to him.

All you need to to have them withering before your very eyes is to regurgitate the bile they spit at you and deliver it back to them.

Do this and you will see the power shifting.

If at any time he kicks off, call the police on 999 and get him removed.

Be careful. You can get him out.

Original poster
Funlover123 · 30/05/2014 23:11

Omg the shit I've put up with over the years and he wants me to change. Haha that's a joke. I feel so dumb because I didn't even realise I'd been abused!
I called women's aid months ago and they put me in touch with a local charity and they didn't get back to me. I had an operation shortly after and needed him to take care of everything, so just left it. I had no choice as I had no other support. He kicked me when I was down literally. I will not forgive the betrayal.

I just want my little one not to have to go through a messy battle. The situation is that we live in the same house but do not speak to each other. But he's been trying to get back to normal with me. I'm so frustrated every day I feel like exploding. I am dying for him to just go.

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/05/2014 23:16

You can get out, but it takes effort.

Look into the money side of things, go to CAB/WA/Shelter and see if you can make moves to get him removed.

Hissy · 30/05/2014 23:18

The sooner you do this, the sooner your LO will get over this split.

I promise you that the days after he goes (DAYS I said) you will see your baby happier, relaxed and start to blossom. This is what you want. This is what you have to move heaven and earth for.

Original poster
Funlover123 · 30/05/2014 23:32

Thanks for the tip Hissy! He has said some really awful things like I make his skin crawl and my ds can't share my DNA because I'm such a shit and thick person. He loves to keep me insecure. He's basically everything described in Lundy's abuse book.
He had some kind of breakdown because he's a compulsive spender and his business failed. Somehow that was my fault. He resents me for everything. It seems like he really hates me. If he does, then any normal person would just go. It's so selfish to make children suffer but my ds doesn't want him to go. Which gives me a lot of guilt. He just says have you and daddy made up yet.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 30/05/2014 23:59

it said PEOPLE YOU VIEWED in his list

Interesting. I can't find any way of doing that on LinkedIn. I can see people who have viewed me. I can also see who people who have viewed me have looked at. I can't see any way of seeing who I have viewed. I'd love to know where you find that feature.

prh47bridge · 31/05/2014 00:01

Pressed send to early...

The nearest I've found is a "You recently visited" list on my home page but that only has 8 entries in it. Since you talk about "reams and reams" I presume you were looking at a much longer list than that.

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