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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me or?

35 replies

squarepeg · 02/09/2006 07:55

I just got engaged. I've been living with my partner for a year and it hasn't always been easy. Last night he said he was going out for an hour to the pub with a mate and an hour turned into four and a half hours. He didn't call me and when they came home I looked out of my window to see that they had escorted home two women, one of them who he proceeded to kiss (he says was just a peck butit didn't look like it to me.) He was very drunk and aggressive accusing me of being a control freak and saying that I had a problem with him going out (which isn't true).My thoughts are that this shows a total lack of respect. Who agrees? Or am I being uptight? Please be honest. Lastly, I chucked my engagement ring at him and now I can't find it. I think it's gone down a gap at the side of the stairs which will be impossible to reach.

OP posts:

tissy · 02/09/2006 08:03

I would have chucked something rather heavier at him

chocybickie · 02/09/2006 08:09

if this is how he behaves after a year imagine how his attitude will be in 5 years.
forget what he did or might have done with the girl. he didn't phone you and he was being aggresive when you questioned him.
do you think you deserve better than that?

Pages · 02/09/2006 08:19

It's not you, it's the shape of things to come. My DH would never dream of going out and not coming back till 3 hours after he said he would let alone with another woman in tow and if he ever did he would never try and make it my fault. It is totally disrespectful and I think the ring getting lost is a sign. I'm sorry but he sounds like an arse@**e.

NewTermAtMaloryTowers · 02/09/2006 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop · 02/09/2006 09:10

Personally I would get out of this relationship asap. If he can't make an effort after just one year then I suspect things will only get worse. What's he like when he's sober? Presumably he'd have no objections if you were out drinking for 3 hours longer than you said you'd be and then returned with another man? Somehow I think not.

sideways · 02/09/2006 09:13

why exactly are you engaged to this idiot?

kama · 02/09/2006 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Scoobydooooo · 02/09/2006 09:25

No way, i would not put up with any of this at all, it's only been a year & he is already kissing other women, treating you like crap & being aggressive.

Don't waste your time, find someone who really loves you

nineinchnipples · 02/09/2006 09:36

IMO he sounds like a prat, why get all aggressive?? Like chocybickie said what will it be like in 5 years?? I'd leave now, before he wears you down and makes you doubt yourself even more which you soooooo dont need to be doing. Failing that go out for an hour but turn into 5 hours come back snogging a randon bloke, see how he likes it!

moyasmum · 02/09/2006 09:50

Warning lights are flashing ,no matter what you think you might lose now (security,coupledom,finantial help) think how much you'll lose in one years time when you break up for real.(security, coupledom finantial help ,self respect, et al...)work out your exit plan now and dont listen to his views.

wartywarthog · 02/09/2006 10:01

if you marry this guy, he'll carry on like this. he's not going to magically change into the dh you want him to be. be glad your ring is gone - and find someone who treats you better.

Socci · 02/09/2006 10:05

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/09/2006 10:24

Woah!!!!!!

Steady on people.......

How many times has he done this squarepeg?

My DP used to be useless with time. In the end, I told him to stop telling me how long he was going to be because it was never accurate. He'd say he'd be an hour, I'd say "no, you wont", he'd get a bit irritated, but, at the end of the day I couldnt be let down if I didnt have an expectation IYSWIM.

Probably tackling him when he was drunk was not ideal. Talk to him again today, when sober and find out.

I do find it hard to believe he would be stupid enough to try and snog another woman right out the front of his own house though, drunk or not.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/09/2006 10:28

Oh, and btw....he stopped going to the pub to see mates about 8 or 9 years ago (we have been together nearly 11 years now)

kama · 02/09/2006 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/09/2006 15:24

People and priorities change. He grew up. Squarepegs DP might well do the same.

Bit early for the "bin him" chants I think.

Cappuccino · 02/09/2006 15:29

I wouldn't be bothered too much about the lateness and the drunkness (though if it happened every week I would)

as long as he gives you a chance to blow off steam with the girls as well

but I am deeply unsure about the woman

you can go out with your mate for a drink on your own when you're engaged; you can go out on the pull with your mate when you're single. Big difference

1Baby1Bump · 02/09/2006 15:56

sorry, maybe i'm a nutter but i think that is totally out of order.
my mind would be reeling over what happened with the tart at the pub that i didnt see.

luckily, dh wouldnt dream of doing anything like that and if he was going to be late would have called me in plenty of time.
i would say his mate is just as much a tosser too.
why did he bring her home anyway? was she expecting to stay over?!

moyasmum · 02/09/2006 16:18

I'm keen on thinking this through, but remember"living with my partner for a year hasn't always been easy""..drunk and aggressive""saying i had a problem..."sounds like a blaming bloke to me.
Dont care if he is in a transitional growing up phase, he should be expected to show respect.

expatinscotland · 02/09/2006 16:22

What a prat. Think I'd have to chuck him. I mean, he's engaged to you and still pulling birds?

wannaBe1974 · 02/09/2006 16:23

wow always amazes me how quickly peple tell someone to "get out" or to "dump him".

I agree with vvv, tackling your df while he was drunk was perhaps not the best move. Alcohol does highten one's emotions somewhat, and invariably it is not easy to reason with someone while they are under the influence.

If he does this sort of thing regularly then you should sit him down and have a talk while you are both sobour and discuss your fears about the relationship. But it needs to be done while you are both sobour/capable of having a rassional discussion. If he doesn't do this sort of thing regularly then I would still talk to him and say that it did upset you, esp the other woman, but maybe you can come to a compromise about him maybe not telling you when he will be back. if he doesn't tell you, then you won't have an expectation, as long as he doesn't regularly stay out until 4/5 in the morning.

When I had been living with my now dh for six months, he went out to a leaving do at work, he promised he would meet me from work at 7:00, but when I came out of work he wasn't there. I figured he was in the pub but when I got home I discovered him in bed, so smashed that he could bearly talk to me. I was absolutely fuming and told him in no uncertain terms that I disliked the person he was, that I figured he must have a drink problem ... etc etc. emotions ran high. It turned out he'd been drinking champagne with some IT contractors and between 5 of them they had drunk 8 bottles at 35 quid a pop. I was not impressed. But he has never done it since - it was a one off.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, one drunken night out is not grounds to end a relationship, if a relationship is worth ending over that, then maybe it wasn't that stable in the first place. Talk to him.

expatinscotland · 02/09/2006 16:24

The getting aggro and calling me a 'control freak' b/c I was miffed that he went out on the piss and brought some tart home would be a major red flag for me.

wannaBe1974 · 02/09/2006 16:26

as for the other woman, maybe it was a peck on the cheak, given that you were already annoyed at him for being late, it is possible to read something into a situation that isn't necessarily there.

Do you really think he would bring another woman home knowing that you were there? I think there are very few men that are that stupid.

nineinchnipples · 02/09/2006 16:29

I agree with expat I'm afraid, only JUST got engaged and he's snogging some random outside the house!? Living with him hasn't always been easy, he got agressive, hmmmm.

Perhaps those of us that are saying this have been in relationships such as this, thought it was a one off, forgiven them etc etc only to get shat on in the end and we dont want it to happen to anyone else!

wannaBe1974 · 02/09/2006 16:29

also, the first year of living together is generally hard. adapting to living with someone is never easy, esp if you've never lived with someone before.

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