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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will my children be ok

28 replies

Lloyds · 02/09/2006 00:02

I know I need to end our marriage or at least separate but I am so worried about the impact on the children. I think they will be upset despite also being upset at their dad's behaviour generally in the house. Is it selfish to end our relationship because I dislike him?

I am a name changer but it possibly wont take a rocket scientist to work out who I am.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 02/09/2006 00:04

When you say "dislike" what do you mean? What is your H's behaviour like that it upsets them?

mears · 02/09/2006 00:06

Your children may well be relieved. They will sense your dislike for DH. My friend foung=d that her kids were very aware of the tensions and were happy to see both parents happier.

Frizbe · 02/09/2006 00:06

No its not selfish at all.
The kids will be ok, I have no idea how old they are now or anything so can't hazard a guess if they understand the situation at present, but if your constantly at loggerheads etc surely its better that they don't grow up in that environment?
On the other hand you still need to consider access etc, how would he be with the kids on their own over a weekend etc?

fattiemumma · 02/09/2006 00:07

as much as the breakdown of a relationship will be a painfull experiance for a child, having to livein a war zone is often more damaging.

if you really can't go on anymore it may be best for them to split as amicably as possible

bubble99 · 02/09/2006 00:09

What do you mean by 'dislike?' Is this low-level stuff?

I'm not questioning your feelings, as I obviously don't know your history.

Original poster
Lloyds · 02/09/2006 00:24

My husband isnt physcially violent towards any of us although has lashed out at things in the house and damaged them. He is a whinger and very abusive verbally to all of us but especially me, often calling me things like "c**t, bitch, useless, lazy" etc etc etc quite often within earshot. I think he is displaying mysogenistic tendencies as he is more abusive to our lovely dd than our equally lovely son. Obviously if I were to completely ignore his behaviour and abuse I feel I would be sending hte wrong messages to both of our children in the way they should behave/allow others to behave. That said, when I do address it it just fuels my husband. My dd has had a friend around this evening and dh has done nothing but swear his head off making everybody completely uncomfortable. My dd's friends are nice kids and this would be completely alien to them.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 02/09/2006 00:27

Will he go to counselling with you? Have you told him how you feel?

If you're who I think you are (you may very well not be!) - then we've talked about this before?

bubble99 · 02/09/2006 00:30

Why was he swearing this evening? Please understand, I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour - but is there an underlying problem?

Original poster
Lloyds · 02/09/2006 00:31

yes hunker we have. You are very intuitive.

He has agreed to go to counselling but as you may well know, that doesnt mean he will actually go. In addition to which I suspect the reason he wants to go to counselling is because it will be someone new to bitch about me to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lloyds · 02/09/2006 00:35

Bubble - let me set the scene for you.

Dh in the kitchen: "Oi, do the mushrooms stay in the plastic?"

Me in dining room: "What do you mean?"

Dh: "Do they stay in teh fucking plastic or not?"

Me: Im afraid I dont know

Dh: Fucking useless

Minutes later:

Dh: "So do they stay in the plastic or not?"

Me: What are you talking about?

Dh : "these fucking mushrooms"

Me: Are you cooking the breaded mushrooms by any chance?"

Dh: Of course I fucking am

Me: Well what does it say on the box?

Dh: I dont fucking know

Me: Well read it then

Dh: You fucking stupid cnt

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 02/09/2006 00:39

Please leave him. He's not doing you or the children any good, sweetheart.

Original poster
Lloyds · 02/09/2006 00:39

Slightly earlier after ds and I had been for a bike ride and left the bikes in the back garden. ..

Dh: When are you putting hte bikes in teh garage

Me: In a little while

Dh: Im not doing it I didnt get them out

Me: Thats ok, I havent asked you to

Dh: I dont want you leaving the light on in the garage or the door open

Me: No problem

Dh: Im not putting them away and you dont like going down the garden int eh dark

Me: Its ok I'll do it in a bit, ds will take his bike too

Dh to ds: If she asks me to do it tell her to piss off, the fat bitch

etc etc

OP posts:
bubble99 · 02/09/2006 00:45

Righto.

I agree with Hunker, then.

This is incredibly damaging for the children and you. When did this behaviour start?

Sandcastles · 02/09/2006 01:15

It will be far more damaging if you stayed together. It will change your children's view of what life with a partner should be like. But I guess you know that.

As someone who went 2 out of 3 of my mother's divorces, I have come out OK. The only thing I can say on a negative POV is that she didn't let us see our dad for a long long time. She did it to spite him, not even realising/caring if it effected us at all. I am glad to say that dad & I are close now, but it forever damaged my relationship with my mum and now we don't speak.(not just cos os this, she is a hard faced cow).

Good Luck xx

WideWebWitch · 02/09/2006 01:17

I ended my marriage (1 ds) because I wasn't happy. He's a perfectly wonderful bloke, just not for me. So yes, you should leave if you're not happy, yes.

WideWebWitch · 02/09/2006 01:19

God, have just read the thread, er, yes, leave him! How nasty he sounds.

Chilimama · 02/09/2006 02:04

I agree with Sandcastles, I think staying with him will do more damage to your children (and yourself) than leaving.

Good luck in whatever decision you make x

YeahBut · 02/09/2006 07:35

He sounds incredibly nasty. Leave him. Your poor dd .

chocybickie · 02/09/2006 07:52

Get out, get out, GET OUT!
There is no way you or your children will be better off with this man in your house.
The only thing I would be questioning right now is whether this man should be allowed access to the children once you do seperate.

Pages · 02/09/2006 08:12

My step-dad was exactly like your DH, and although he was also physically abusive toward me and my db it was the daily verbal abuse that I think has had the more profound effect on me. My stepdad called me a useless cow, and called me names on a daily basis and although I have made a success of my life I am still easily crushed by criticism and still have very low self-esteem. It is not good for YOU and is definitely not something your children need to learn about the way adults treat each other,. It sounds like you DD could be me in 30 years time - I would definitely say get out. I would also add that it has had an effect on my relationship with my mother because I can't understand why she stayed with him and subjected me and b to that kind of abuse.

On the other hand I too was uspet that my mum would not allow me to have a relationship with my real dad. I would do whatever I could though to make sure the abuse does not continue towards your DD when she is having contact.

Pages · 02/09/2006 08:14

If you decide contact is the right thing, that is. Maybe it isn't. Is your DD old enough to decide?

Original poster
Lloyds · 02/09/2006 18:51

Both of our children are old enough to realise that their dad does not behave conventionally and recognise that elements of his behaviour are abusive. I have actually discussed (rightly or wrongly) dh with my dd. She has said that if he left she would be upset but probably that would stem from feeling slightly insecure about the situation but ultimately she would feel more relaxed. Both ds and dd have said that when hes not around everything is so much calmer and more fun.

OP posts:
Pages · 02/09/2006 20:47

That's so great that you have been able to consult them. It sounds to me like they have given you the go ahead to leave - if that's what you want. I really can't tell you how much living in that atmospehere took its toll on me and it has taken a while but it has ultimately divided the whole family.

Greensleeves · 02/09/2006 20:54

Hi, I've read your thread (haven't a clue who you are and won't try to guess).Personally I think you have done the right thing in discussing things with your daughter. If your intuition tells you that your children are mature enough to know what is happening, then I think you are right to involve them. They will feel safer and more in control as things develop, because their feelings were taken into consideration.

My parents split up when I was 5-ish because of similar issues to yours. I can only say that I think you are approaching things in the right way - I know it's not easy and whatever you do it will be painful for you - but in answer to your thread title, I think your kids will be all right, because they have a mum whose primary purpose is to make sure that they are all right.

Caribbeanqueen · 02/09/2006 21:04

Conversations like that in a relationship are completely unacceptable imo, whether there are children or nor. The fact that there are children involved makes it so much worse.

He sounds awful and I think you need to leave if he won't go to counselling/anger management.

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