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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Want cheating husband to go

36 replies

wineoclock5 · 30/05/2014 00:11

Hello everybody, this is my fist time on mumsnet so bare with me if I don't know all the abbreviations and lingo.I am desperate and need sound advice.My DH of 25 years has been a serial cheater for the last 10 yrs, but has never admitted it or fessed up even though i have had concrete evidence a few times. He is good in a confrontation and always manages to switch the blame to me blah blah, "I have it all wrong, he loves me, she is just a friend from work etc etc. You may well ask why I have hung around, basically because of my 2 kids.One is now away at uni and one doing GCSE so they don't reply on me as much. On Sunday his car was parked outside the OW house and I caught him. I went mental and asked him to go and he said no. i have moved into my DD room and won't speak. He is away on business now for a few days and has asked me to please talk to him when he gets back. I just know what is going to happen though, he will say i have it all wrong, she's just a friend , i am over reacting, minimising yet again, he will twist it all round and then act all normal and all loved up.I am so much happier when he is away on business (supposedly) which is a lot and want him to go. He is not going to budge and will lie till he is blue in the face that the is completely innocent.My kids, parents, family, friends all think he is great ,I have only told one friend as I am humiliated to tell anyone and burst the family bubble.The kids will be devastated.All advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Rightallalong · 30/05/2014 00:31

I'm not an expert, but, I think kids generally know if dad's a player. They will be angry and hurt but he is what he is and you shouldn't carry the burden of his dishonesty and lack of respect for what sounds like a lovely family.

I'm not as dignified as you and announced to everyone that I'd caught my ex out because I wanted him to feel ashamed for what he'd done to our DS. He has no conscience but he does care about his image!

You need to get rid of him. Have you thought about putting his stuff into storage and telling him where it is for his return?

Fontella · 30/05/2014 00:40

It doesn't matter if the kids, parents, family, friends etc. all think the sun shines out of his arse. They aren't married to the man who shags other women. You are! Do they have any idea? If not, perhaps you should put them straight. Don't worry about bursting the family bubble. He's the one who should be worrying about that, not you.

if you have previously had 'concrete evidence' and say you have caught him again this week then his cheating is beyond dispute, so it doesn't matter how much he 'blames you, minimises and all the rest of it. You know what the truth is and the truth is that he has destroyed the marriage, not you. He's the one who's been screwing around for 10 years. Not you. So you need to keep that at the forefront of your mind at all times. Even when others are telling you how great he is, even when you are thinking about your (nearly grown up) kids and worrying about how devastated they will be, and especially when he is standing in front of you lying his cheating arse off - although hopefully you won't allow that to happen.

If you seriously want to get rid of him, you then need to stop engaging with him and letting him lie, twist and manipulate. If you don't engage with him, he can't do it. Don't give him the opportunity. Don't give him the chance to talk you out of it. He's out of the house now and you have a golden opportunity to start putting the wheels in motion to separate and also to make it absolutely clear to him you you don't want to 'talk' to him. The talking is over.

I'd also tell people, I really would. If you keep covering up for him in terms of keeping his philandering behaviour a secret, and keep letting him 'talk' to you, nothing is going to change. Same behaviour brings the same outcome.

But If you seriously mean business this time then start taking some action. Talk to people (coming here is a good start) get financial advice, legal advice, get paperwork together, plan your escape, get some RL support - you mention a friend, are their others you could get onside?

The good news is that if you are are 'happier when he is away on business', then that says a lot. It shows that emotionally you are in a stronger position than most with cheating husbands. You sound like you've reached the end of your tether, and I don't blame you. Over a decade of cheating with multiple women? I wonder if some of those people you mentioned who think he's so 'great' would still think so if they knew what a lying, cheating scumbag he actually is?

I'm not writing terribly well as it's late and I'm knackered, but I didn't want to ignore your post. Hope at least some of the above made sense.

wineoclock5 · 30/05/2014 00:43

Thanks Rightallalong,ditto my DH has no conscience but does care about his image. I hate confrontation and go out of my way to avoid it so I would be too scared to put his stuff in storage, but it is certainly something to consider. Bottom line is I am trying to protect my DS and DD from hurt. My DD will hate him when she finds out and that will cut him up more than anything.Still he made his bed.......

OP posts:
wineoclock5 · 30/05/2014 00:51

Fontella, thanks so much that is such great advice and everything you say is so true. I am just so scared of the fall out so much so i have been keeping it all to myself to protect all around me, i.e. my kids and my poor parents who are old now and will be so devasted. How do I start taking action as he is going to be home tomorrow? Do i just keep saying i want you to go and I am not engaging in anymore dialogue? keep sleeping in my DD room but she is coming home from Uni next week for summer. i thought this would be a good time to tell her and my DS that my DH needs to go.My poor friend that i have told is going through a divorce herself sois a few steps ahead . I have been mentally preparing myself for this for a while now.

OP posts:
whitesugar · 30/05/2014 01:22

Don't bother talking to him. Go and see a solicitor to find out where you stand and start divorce proceedings based on his repeated infidelity. Ring Women's Aid as soon as possible for great advice. This will sound harsh but stop protecting everyone else. Your parents have been around the block and I bet they don't see him as a saint. Your DC know you are unhappy and will be relieved you are taking action. They can still love him. A lot of their friend's parents will have been through divorce, it is not the end of the world. You will be a great example to your DC and will show them never to accept second best from anyone.

As for you please hold your head up high, take no crap from him. Fake it until you make it. Cry in secret when you need to get it all out. Believe me you will be a million times better off without him. You can still both be parents. If your child is in the middle of exams obviously hold off until the exams are over. There is no immediate rush. When the penny drops for your husband be prepared for high drama from him but don't engage.
Be excited about your new life where you call the shots for yourself.
Please believe me you are worth so much more. Best of luck.

sykadelic · 30/05/2014 02:05

I don't know how far away your daughter is, but if there's any way to warn her before she comes home so she can organise an alternative place to stay, or at least that her mum is in her room.

MexicanSpringtime · 30/05/2014 03:26

If you have waited this long, wait a bit longer until the youngest has finished their exams.

Joysmum · 30/05/2014 07:16

Get to a solicitor and start the legals now. Stand firm. You don't deserve this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2014 07:24

Very sorry you find yourself in this situation but I suppose, if you kept taking him back, you knew this day would come eventually.

You need several things if you seriously want to get shot. First is that you need to tell others what he's been doing rather than keeping it to yourself. Once you do that you're no longer colluding with him, there's no going back and you will have others on your side with moral and emotional support. So that's an important step.

Second is that you need to consistently and persistently tell him to leave. If he's the type that thinks you can be talked round, don't engage in conversation beyond 'you need to leave'. Stop treating him as part of the family to emphasise that you want him to leave... no laundry, meals, and other things family take for granted

Third is that you need legal advice and other practical advice on how to separate finances, set up as an independent woman and so forth. This also makes it more real and emphasises that you're serious.

Good luck.

NorksAreMesssy · 30/05/2014 07:26

Will talking t him achieve anything? It just gives him the power to minimise his behaviour and talk you into accepting what is convenient for him (happy families AND OW)

Please take back control. You do not need his permission to instigate separation or divorce. You are a person in your own right and are responsible for your own happiness.

If not now, when?

Good luck, we are on your side

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2014 07:28

BTW.... if he's away on business, tell him it's not convenient that he comes back and he should find somewhere else for the time being.

lunar1 · 30/05/2014 07:39

So sorry you are going through this. I really think you need to tell people, show them the evidence. You need to make it real for yourself and him. He is living in a bubble, where he knows you know, but also knows you won't do anything.

By exposing him he has to face up to who he is, and will hopefully crawl away in shame.

Clutterbugsmum · 30/05/2014 08:21

I'm betting your children know exactly what their dad is like and how he treats you.

Use the time he is away to find a solictor to find out where you stand. You don't need to have a confrontation just keep telling it's over and you have had enough of his behaviour. If you do find a solictor tell him to contact them. Then stop doing anything for him and I mean everything, don't be his housekeeper or cook.

wineoclock5 · 30/05/2014 08:23

Thank you to everyone for your great encouraging helpful advice. I will move out my daughters room before she gets back next weekend. She is in the middle of her honours exams this week along with son and his GCSE,s so need to try and keep calm before they finish for summer.How do I get the name of a reputable solicitor and will it cost me a fortune.Can we just separate initially without seeking legal advice?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2014 08:31

You can separate without legal advice, no problem. However, you still need life to go on while you're separated, you're looking at running two homes potentially, and the bills have to get paid etc. Some people manage to do this amicably enough, others find the goodwill and the contents of the joint account and promises to keep paying the mortgage go out of the door with the suitcases.

Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation or you could try CAB. Never hurts to be well-informed, even if you don't use the information immediately.

wineoclock5 · 30/05/2014 08:32

I also meant to say that we are in the process of buying a flat in another city , this is for my husband to stay in while on business. We have been planning this for a few month and hopefully we are exchanging soon, its all in the hands of lawyers at the moment.I sort of need to keep it together till this is all legally exchanged. My plan was to then tell my DH to leave and move in there.

OP posts:
Fontella · 30/05/2014 09:29

'for my (serial cheater) husband to stay in while on business' Hmm

From what you've told us, he will be doing a lot more than 'staying' in it!

However, the flat is perfect because he's got somewhere to go and I agree with you about waiting until the legalities are all done and dusted and your kids are through their exams etc. Bide your time by all means, but make sure you put that time to good use preparing for your new life without this cheating twat.

Your H is the perfect example of a bloke who wants his cake and eat it. He wants the wife and kids and the facade of Mr Nice Guy husband/dad but he also wants to play Casanova in his spare time and shag whoever else he likes, when he likes. He thinks his his charm and his ability to lie and minimise and twist things around, will let him get away with it and let's be fair, so far it has.

But it's time to let him know the game's up and you aren't playing anymore.

Good luck

Jan45 · 30/05/2014 10:38

OP, don't know how you've put up with that for ten years, and believe me other folk will know all about him - so what if he has in the past managed to talk you round, you've now decided enough is enough and are not going to swallow his lies, he's not even slightly remorseful, he just carries on taking the actual piss and then tells you that you have it wrong - he must be laughing his head off at how easily he's been getting away with it.

He has no respect for himself or you, time to move on with your life, your kids will understand, they are old enough, they won't blame you, it's him who has let everyone down, not you. Don't allow this horrible man to exploit you any longer, get armed with as much advice as possible and get planning, I guarantee you will have a happier life and not be looking over your shoulder wondering where he is and who's talking about you.

wineoclock5 · 30/05/2014 11:58

Again, thanks for all the support and great advice .
I am at a loss as how to proceed and start planning, should a solicitor be my first port of call do you think? I am scared they suck me in and before I know it I have escalating costs.Also does anyone know doI have to see a solicitor before I sent him packing to the flat when we get it.
Fontella you made me chuckle when you said he will be doing more than staying in it, my sentiments exactly.
the recent OW I want to go and punch her lights out but I know this would be futile!!!!

OP posts:
mistymeanour · 30/05/2014 12:09

Many solicitors offer a free half hour first - you can ask questions and see if they are a good fit for you. Google a few local ones and have a look at their webpages.

wineoclock5 · 30/05/2014 12:18

thank you

OP posts:
Jan45 · 30/05/2014 12:23

Try CAB as well for benefit entitlements.

Christmascandles · 30/05/2014 12:30

Hello OP

You got some good advice here from Cog and the others, but my god, what an entitled twat he sounds Angry

Buy a flat in another city..... A shag pad more like. Does he really think you are that stupid, really....

He knows you will cover up for him, but all you are doing is enabling him.
Tell him, this isn't working for me. Tell him, you don't love him anymore, you don't love what he does to you and you don't love him living with you.

Do not engage with him any further.

Have a look on google for some solicitors near you that offer a half hour free consultation, but go armed with a list of questions.

Get financial evidence, ie bank statements, assets etc.

Oh and I hate to say it, but you might want to get an STI check too....
I wouldn't announce a big separation whilst the DC are in the middle of exams, but you can start planning.....

Good luck and keep talking to us Thanks

wineoclock5 · 30/05/2014 13:10

thanks girls, you are all making this easier to bare. :)

OP posts:
Jan45 · 30/05/2014 13:14

OP, stay strong, always loads on here happy to support you.

Let him lie 'til he's blue in the face, it won't wash anymore.

Friggin cheek of him, expects to fuck about behind your back and then when caught just lies and lies to your face, hardly the actions of a man who is sorry or wants to change, you can though, for the better, don't look back!

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