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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cant work out why dp needs to lie to me?

59 replies

Cluelesslulu · 29/05/2014 23:00

My dp has just blatantly lied to me. He's been in the pub all night and didn't phone till much later than he usually would (we don't live together). He said he'd been trying to call for over an hour but had no signal.........then tripped himself up when he said he hadn't eaten yet but when I asked what he was going to have he said he had got a kebab.....the nearest one to him is next to the pub. I asked why he hadn't eaten it an hour ago when he got in. He said he had gone back to where the pub is to get it. I know that is untrue as it's up a hill and he's way too overweight and unfit to walk up the hill. Sorry this is rambling, I just can't understand why he needs to lie?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluelesslulu · 30/05/2014 00:35

As I said, justmuddling. I accept I am paranoid about being cheated on again. He always manages to make it look like I'm imagining things. He's a flirt and a charmer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluelesslulu · 30/05/2014 00:39

BuggersMuddle, I'm not young at all, I have 4 grandchildren. You'd think I'd have life sorted by now wouldn't you......but unless you are a person bursting with their own self-worth and confidence, you are gonna have doubts about a relationship when lied to surely?

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 30/05/2014 00:42

No, I can understand the paranoia because of your past, It's the suspecting that he's lied before, and checking up on him for evidence. I'm maybe just too long in the tooth to contemplate living like that.

Original poster
Cluelesslulu · 30/05/2014 00:47

I hate living like we live. He wants to move in with me when dc's finish school but I'm swerving the idea because of my doubts. He is like jeckel and hyde sometimes. He can be so "normal" but when drinking is so full of bravado and self-importance I want to slap him. He is a very confident man and I'm not confident really, so I think he likes that because he knows I won't flirt and cheat like his last dp did.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 30/05/2014 00:50

He sounds more cocky than confident. Are you happy?

FidelineandFumblin · 30/05/2014 00:52

.but unless you are a person bursting with their own self-worth and confidence, you are gonna have doubts about a relationship when lied to surely?

That's interesting op - why do you think self-worth would make lies more acceptable in a relationship? I think a person with really high self-worth might well just dump a liar without stopping to ask questions actually.

Are you really saying that you think you have to accept this behaviour because you can't do any better?

I don't believe you. You sound nice. And intelligent.

GarlicMayonnaise · 30/05/2014 00:57

He always manages to make it look like I'm imagining things.

How very unpleasant. It's called gaslighting, after the film.

I understand very well how this can knock your confidence. Thing is, when a relationship is making you doubt your own thoughts, perceptions & feelings, the relationship is harming you. I hope you find there were no texts and call time on this for good.

GarlicMayonnaise · 30/05/2014 00:58

Fideline, I took it to mean that a more confident person would end it more easily, having the self-worth to not feel she needs a 'reason' to dump a poor relationship?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/05/2014 00:59

He always manages to make it look like I'm imagining things. He's a flirt and a charmer.

Double whammy.

justmuddlingalong · 30/05/2014 01:00

If you are already low in confidence, he's making it worse. Don't let him do that to you anymore.

FidelineandFumblin · 30/05/2014 01:01

Oh ok Garlic. Either way, the DP sounds lovely and possibly too calm and reasonable for her own good and her 'D'P sounds something of an arse.

GarlicMayonnaise · 30/05/2014 01:06

Agreed!

fairyfuckwings · 30/05/2014 01:07

I'm probably missing something here but what makes you think he was lying about trying to call you? Surely he has a mobile? Couldn't he gave tried to cal whilst out? Then got the kebab and walked home? Ir does he only have a land line?

GarlicMayonnaise · 30/05/2014 01:08

Donkeys - He is like jeckel and hyde sometimes.

Make that whammy a triple.

Original poster
Cluelesslulu · 30/05/2014 01:21

I think he was lying as he usually calls or texts earlier. I wonder why he was trying to hide the fact that he stayed longer than usual in the pub. If I've commented in the past that he has called later than usual his reply has been "well you can call me, it's allowed". So I have and then he says "I can't talk, I'm in the pub still. Call you when I get home"? I mean WTF? Think he enjoys playing games, likes a bit of drama, hence the flirting, then saying "Oh now your angry" God, I really can't be bothered to care. If he wants to flirt in front of me then fine. I have commented in the past it makes me feel uncomfortable though.

OP posts:
FidelineandFumblin · 30/05/2014 01:28

What are the good bits of the relationship OP?

GarlicMayonnaise · 30/05/2014 01:28

Think he enjoys playing games - Yes.

Don't put up with this, please! You're worth more than being someone's pinball. Just knock him on the head, get back to being You.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/05/2014 09:26

I don't think Cluelesslulu is clueless. Switched on but reluctant to act on what she recognises as poor behaviour.

mammadiggingdeep · 30/05/2014 09:33

Please don't stay with a casual liar. It'll end in tears....5 years is too long.

I know, I wasted 8 years.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2014 09:38

Cluelesslulu

Why do you value yourself so poorly that you will accept any such poor treatment of yourself?. Do you really need such a man in your life at all?.

You are also a victim of the "sunken costs" fallacy in relationships but that forgets that the damage has already been done.

Being cheated on in the past has done you a lot of emotional harm and this person you're now sort of with is probably very similar in nature to these other men too.

LIZS · 30/05/2014 09:41

you know he lies, you spend time checking his history to catch him out and you've been together 5 years but not found a way to commit - doesn't sound like a relationship with much going for it tbh. He lies because he can and perhaps even gets a kick out of it .

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/05/2014 11:24

Hi op

Ide like to Pick up on one point you made in your post, your worried about being paranoid about him cheating because of your past.

Ide suggest you listen to the paranoia or gut instinct as I like to call it because it proved you right on two previous occasions. Your doubting yourself because your not listening to your inner voice, this is the part of us that kept the cavemen from being attacked and eaten by other predators.

If you continue to ignore this paranoia it will get worse because it's the primal part of you that's saying for crying out loud at what point are you going to notice what's going on? You are telling you this is bollocks and when are you going to walk away.

We all have a 6th sense it's just that sometimes we chose to ignore it because the truth is either too painful or inconvenient for us to deal with. Seriously if we didn't ignore it a lot of the time a lot of us would be so much better off emotionally.

Original poster
Cluelesslulu · 30/05/2014 12:26

Thanks for your support and comments everyone. Well I've checked his phone history and as I thought, no texts (said he'd sent 3 or 4). Just the two calls showing that I did receive. No surprise there.

Guilty pleasures, let me explain that I've been married twice, both cheated and both seemed not the sort of men to cheat. I was absolutely gobsmacked when I found out. Both times it was right under my nose - the first with our babysitter and the second with a neighbour. Both women pretended to be my friends. So, it was like being hit by a train for me. Neither of my exdp's were flirty womaniser types, so the shock nearly finished me.

In contrast, current (lying) dp, flirty, over-confident, full of himself, openly flirting, says why would he make it so obvious if he was up to anything. That's his take on it anyway. Don't know what to believe. I know I should finish it but am not strong enough atm. I know he will persuade me to go back. I have to wait till I've really had enough and know I won't go back. That's just the way I roll. My gut instinct has always mistrusted him I think. But I trusted the other two totally and look how it turned out. At least this dp is open about it (except when lying of course).

OP posts:
SweetErmengarde · 30/05/2014 12:45

Honey, a relationship is not a court. You don't have to prove anything "beyond reasonable doubt" to be allowed to end it.

"I am not happy" is a perfectly valid reason.

This disrespectful (because it is disrespectful to flirt with other women in front of your partner), unoriginal (if the best use he can find for his evening is pub/kebab, then he isn't exactly an outside-the-box thinker, now is he?), habitual liar is not putting you first, not making you feel secure and safe (hence your disrtust of him) and is not making you happy!

Please stand up for yourself, OP. You don't have to make it a big confrontation, simply state "I am not happy in this relationship. It's over. Don't contact me again." You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration; start treating yourself that way and the rest of the world will follow.

FidelineandFumblin · 30/05/2014 14:19

In contrast, current (lying) dp, flirty, over-confident, full of himself, openly flirting, says why would he make it so obvious if he was up to anything. That's his take on it anyway. Don't know what to believe.

So it is supposed to be some kind of guarantee that he won't cheat like your ex-Hs did? But you're not even really convinced by that wonky line of logic yourself are you? Meanwhile your DP is onto a good thing that he doen't deserve.

I know I should finish it but am not strong enough atm.

It's actually comparatively easy to dump a man you don't live with. If you gathered the determination, you would probably find it a relief not to be expending the mental and emotional energy on him.

What do you really WANT to do?