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Original poster

Dp depression/ behaviour affecting dd.

35 replies

MistletoeBUTNOwine · 29/05/2014 22:03

Started in car at motorway services, Dd said don't call him that- tony has called DS the baby.
Dp kicked off - who do you think you are? You're just an 8 year old
You have no respect
I'll do what I want
I told dd off/ why do you say things like that? She is quiet.
Dp stays in silence mono syllabic answers to questions

I ask an hour later is he going to continue with the silent treatment?
Shouting again about respect
I've brought her up wrong
I ask what he thinks I/ we should do?
Says he doesn't fucking care, do what you want.
I retaliate with we've put up with your moods, bought a book about parental depression to help dd understand why he loses his temper
Say I don't want to put up with it any more, the getting drunk all the time etc.
Dd
scared confused
Writes a note - can we stop I'm scared, please... Sad
Stop at services, dp goes off to buy tea and an icecream for dd. Apologises for shouting.
What he's said can't be unsaid.
Apologises in car. I say I'm taking dcs home tomorrow (staying at ILs 300 miles away for a party tomorrow)

Am I wrong for staying with him? Tried to support him thru depression, how much do you put up with before it's too much and harming dcs emotionally? I know he loves them and doesn't want to behave as he does- he's been on ads for 2 and s half weeks and seeing counsellor. I know he is a good man, but should we separate til he's 'better'? How long do you leave it?
I desperately want to do the right thing but fuck me, what IS the right thing?

OP posts:
comedycentral · 29/05/2014 22:07

It sounds like he's already affecting her emotionally. How are you both going to protect her from this?

Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 29/05/2014 22:11

Is is affecting her. A lot. I don't know what to do? He says he's sorry and will try harder, but said it before Hmm

OP posts:
comedycentral · 29/05/2014 22:14

Sad Could he stay with his parents for a bit whilst he gets help?

comedycentral · 29/05/2014 22:15

Or can you and DD stay with anyone?

Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 29/05/2014 22:31

I think him staying with his parents would make him worse tbh as a lot of his issues are from a toxic childhood.
We could stay with my mum at a push.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyQS · 29/05/2014 22:33

"Am I wrong for staying with him?"

Yes.

The right thing is to protect your child.

wouldbemedic · 29/05/2014 22:39

The last thing I want to do is suggest you are responsible for your DP's behaviour. That's a separate issue that I don't have experience of - though do have much sympathy. The only thing I do feel, as someone who has a fiery temper sometimes! - perhaps you made a mistake in undermining your DP in front of your DD. It might be best to leave that until you're alone together. Then, if he reacts defensively, your DD doesn't have to hear it. And while the silent treatment is awful, it could be that he's trying to avoid 'losing it' by not speaking. Whatever the case, your question about it comes across to me as a bit disrespectful - again, something that could have been dealt with later. I can understand you're desperately wanting to help your DD, but I see three things that will be influencing her - your DP's behaviour, your obvious anger and upset in response, and the marital tension between both of you. Personally, I wouldn't want my DD to see if my DH has upset me and wouldn't want her to see me challenging him angrily, regardless of what he'd said. (Nothing wrong with being calm but firm though!).

I have no idea if you should leave him and I'm not suggesting you live on eggshells either.

SomethingOnce · 29/05/2014 22:44

Your DD wrote a note saying that? Sounds like it's pretty awful for her.

I think you should leave him.

Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 29/05/2014 22:46

I tried to back him up on her being rude but he just launched into a massive monologue and beating her down, to which I said that's enough ok?
I try not to undermine him but I also need dd to see I'm not going to allow someone to treat her like that
In the car I repeatedly said don't argue in front of her
This is so shit
He's full of apologies, even dd says she feels sorry for him.

[name edited out by MNHQ]

OP posts:
Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 29/05/2014 23:12

Bollocks I've put names on these posts.
If anyone knows me in RL please pm me, will nc after this thread.

OP posts:
wouldbemedic · 30/05/2014 00:47

I wouldn't worry, it's a terribly popular name.

Of course you need DD to see that you stand up for her when she's been criticised unfairly. To my mind, you didn't need to do that in a confrontational way. By the time you're saying 'don't argue in front of DD' it's too late! When you first needed to stand up for her, perhaps you could have said, 'I'm not happy about the way DD's being spoken to here but the last thing I want to do is undermine you. But for Lily's sake I'd like to ask if we can chat this through later, when she doesn't have to present.' Then Lily knows you've clocked it and you've spoken to DP like a friend. Please note, depression is a dehumanising experience and people suffering from it - or low self-esteem - may be hypersensitive to being overlooked or undermined. When your DD wrote 'can we stop' I suspect that she meant the argument. Perhaps, in trying to defend her, you'd made that argument a bit worse for her - hence her request to you. If your DP is unstable and unpredictable as a parent just now, she'll be looking to you as the only anchor. If you're feeling the pressure and showing signs of blowing your top as well, that could be terrifying. Just before she wrote that note, you had brought up very adult issues - drinking all the time, the fact that you'd had to buy DD a book to educate her on DP's condition. From all he's said about respect and the frequent, well-intentioned apologies, I'm guessing he actually feels like a loser and is terrified the family will catch on and start treating him like a loser too. In your conversation, you (understandably in my opinion) were pointing out how he was letting you all down by drinking, how he had lost your support and respect, and how even his children were being forced to almost parent him by reading books about handling him. As if he was a pet or a baby. I might have it all wrong, but to my mind this could be largely about miscommunication in the face of a horrible, painful illness that's clearly affecting the whole family. I would like to see you trying some honest talking to find some strategies that will protect your DD from the worst of DP's behaviour and the rougher edges of the marriage at the minute. You clearly all love each other and see the good in each other. This is one situation where I can imagine a gifted family therapist doing an awful lot of good. Unless you're sure you're both unsafe, I would hesitate to get DD and leave just yet. You need a lot more information from them both about what's really going on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2014 07:02

I've missed something. Where was your 8yo being rude exactly? Was she calling someone a baby, or was your partner calling someone a baby and she picked him up on it?

If he's diagnosed with depression etc that's unfortunate. If this outburst was a one-off, maybe you'd gloss it over. If this is his normal way of behaving he simply sounds like a very unpleasant bully. I don't think children should be bought books on how to put up with a bully.... I think they should be defended and protected from bullies.

IndiansInTheLobby · 30/05/2014 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/05/2014 07:13

Is he your DD dad?
Even if so, he's being a shit one. Depression but heavy drinking? Deal breaker. If he wants to live as a family he has to try everything to treat his depression and that means giving up alcohol as it is a depressant.
He sounds awful to live with and your poor child is being affected by it, it should be obvious.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2014 07:22

And you are together because...

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Any innate need of yours to rescue and or save this man from his issues does not trump the needs of your child who is being belittled by this unpleasant individual. You are not protecting her enough currently because you are still with this man. Also your DD will perhaps also grow up to hate you for not protecting her as well as not seeing you at all often/having any sort of relationship with you when she is an adult herself if you were to choose to remain with this person for your own reasons.

Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 30/05/2014 08:22

He's not dd's dad (hers is nc- arsehole just left her)
We do have a young DS together.
He's not like that all the time by any stretch.
We talked a bit last night and he says he will try harder. Wants me to go to the therapist with him. He has massively low self esteem. But we all have such fun sometimes,
He is so hard on dd

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2014 08:57

You have written about him at some length before now and nothing has fundamentally changed.

Ok he has massively low self esteem but so do you and this just now equates to two people having low self esteem.

How can you have fun sometimes yet he is so hard on your DD?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this piss poor model of one?. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. I have to look at your own part in all this as well. You know that his behaviour towards your DD is not at all acceptable.

Why are you together at all?.

Your DD will learn to also despise you as well as her rotten stepdad given time because she will wonder of you why you put him before her and her sibling.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 30/05/2014 09:06

No, I think once your DD is writing notes to you saying she's scared, you need to massively take stock. She is 8. He has depression, but he is an adult. Your responsibility is to your DD and to protect her. Big chance here for you to turn things around for your DC by not being with your DP.

IndiansInTheLobby · 30/05/2014 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2014 09:38

Having low self-esteem doesn't give anyone the right to terrify your daughter and an 8yo shouldn't be given books on how to cope with an aggressive adult. She is not responsible for his behaviour, she is a little kid. Whenever I see the phrase 'try harder' I think of Yoda's line in Empire Strikes back... 'Do. Or do not. There is no try'.

Stop making excuses for this man or your DD will grow up to hate you

comedycentral · 30/05/2014 09:39

I am really sad for your daughter, I really am. He's not even her Dad and he's allowed to talk to her like that. Awful. I heard a report this morning that calls to the NSPCC about emotional abuse has risen by 47% in a year and they are calling on the government to update laws around this. Emotional abuse is so damaging, please go and stay with your Mum like you said.

I am urging you to get him as far away from her as you can, she has the RIGHT to have a happy and loving childhood. Don't let him ruin her life, because it will.

expatinscotland · 30/05/2014 09:40

I will never understand people who stay with a partner at the expense of their kids.

This guy is an arsehole.

He is fucking up your child.

Get rid.

unrealhousewife · 30/05/2014 09:47

He's not depressed, he's an alcoholic. Sometimes the two go together.

There is nothing here for you. Leave now, contact Alanon for support.

ENormaSnob · 30/05/2014 09:54

You need to put your daughter first.

CanaryYellow · 30/05/2014 10:01

Your daughter needs you to put her first, not books on how to put up with your DP's vile bullying behaviour, dished out under the guise of his depression.

Your 8 y/o DD wrote a note... "Can we stop, I'm scared".

Why would you even consider staying with him.