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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Police on their way. Shit scared

54 replies

Doearwigsmakechutney · 29/05/2014 21:53

Can't name change so brief details. Separating from Stbxh still in the same house. He did something earlier this evening (not the first time), and I've just called 101. They were worried by what I said, and by my upset, and are sending someone round. Absolutely shit scared about how STBXH will react. Hand hold please...

OP posts:
tilliebob · 29/05/2014 23:53

Be strong. Hope the police are with you now.

Original poster
Doearwigsmakechutney · 30/05/2014 00:10

Still no sign of them. Now back in the house, and H seems to be asleep. All feels very late now, and I'm tired. Hoping they get here very soon...

OP posts:
hashtagwhatever · 30/05/2014 01:33

Hope you are ok. And the police showed

Jux · 30/05/2014 03:59

Hope they've been and gone, and you are safe. I hope you get some rest too.

Lweji · 30/05/2014 06:43

I hope you are ok.
Please update just because we are worried about you. And for support.
Your shoes can be a very lonely place. I've been there and many women here have been too. I hope you have family and friends you can lean on.

If anything that really worries you happen call 999 or 112 straight away.
101 is non-emergency. They may show up anytime today.
Does he know you called?

snoofle · 30/05/2014 06:48

Just seen this thread.
I dont know much about this sort of thing, but if I were you I would have some cash about my person if you can and if you are able to, in case I needed to leave the house in a hurry.
Hope you are ok op x

Original poster
Doearwigsmakechutney · 30/05/2014 06:54

Thank you all so much. The police finally turned up, and STBXH went away for the rest of the night. I really hope their visit provides a reality check- that what he did is just not acceptable. I was offered a referral to the dv team, which I accepted. They also said that I'd done the right thing reporting it, and to do so again if anything happened.

Thank you for being there for me. I had some rl support via text last night, but it helped enormously that I'd had so much virtual handholding, as I had come close to phoning the police back and telling them not to worry. I'm so glad I went ahead with the report.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/05/2014 07:04

That's good. :)
Are you sure you will be safe?
He may not be so overly or physically threatening because he knows you've reported it, but his abuse will probably continue.
Perhaps it is a good time to think of going legal to keep him from the house. Or for you to go and take the children if you are worried.

It's great that you have RL help, make sure you use it too.

snoofle · 30/05/2014 07:19

It sounds like you very much did the right thing in protecting everyone.
Be kind to yourself x

DillyBob14 · 30/05/2014 08:41

Well done OP - you are very brave.

TheMightyMing · 30/05/2014 08:43

So glad you reported but please stay safe and call the police again at the merest hint all is not well.

Original poster
Doearwigsmakechutney · 30/05/2014 09:22

So this morning he came back to look after the children. I'm supposed to be at work today.

I don't feel concerned about the DCs physical safety with him. I am, however, really alarmed that - when they asked him if he'd slept well - he told them that he hadn't because I'd called the police and he'd had to go elsewhere. They are both preschool age.

I've had some advice this morning that I should get an injunction to remove him from the house. I honestly don't know what to do at the moment. I'm near the house right now, but not actually home.

OP posts:
tribpot · 30/05/2014 10:00

You can expect plenty more where that came from, OP. His concern is bring you to heel, and doing that via your dc won't bother him.

For your own safety I think you need to have him removed from the house. At the moment he is testing the boundaries to see where they are weak, and where you will give ground (and power) back to him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 30/05/2014 10:23

Get the injunction. He will do a lot of damage if allowed to stay in the house with you and the kids so look upon it as a damage limitation exercise. You can't stop his behaviour, but you can limit the effect is has on you and the kids IF HE IS NOT IN THE SAME HOUSE AS YOU

How fucking dare he blame you for his sleepless night.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 30/05/2014 10:24

Do they always ask their dad if he slept well? That's an unusual thing for a pre-schooler to say.

DillyBob14 · 30/05/2014 10:35

Also he needs to have contact with the children away from your home.

Lweji · 30/05/2014 10:49

I had to call the police on DH and he left as soon as I called them.
Stupidly, I let him come back after they left as he seemed truly sorry and, stupidly, I felt sorry for him as it was very late in the evening. But I told him we were over. He refused counselling and I gave him a month to show he could change (deep down I knew he couldn't - he thought it was me backing down).

The next day we went out as a family because I couldn't stand being in the same house. He tried to win me back, put his arms around and so on, but I kept telling him it was over.
Over lunch, he kept mentioning that I had called the police in front of DS (he hadn't witnessed anything) and basically blaming me for it.
That night he was upset because I slept on the sofa again.

The next day he went on a rant basically threatening me if I left. I didn't respond. He then threatened to take his life, along with mine and DS's.

I took DS away, went to the police and the police told him I had left him for good when I tried to pick my things up. He then threatened to commit suicide and the next days and weeks were hard.

Your STBX is following a common script and I'm worried that he may be dangerous for you.

Again, I would urge you to get an injunction or no-molestation order. Check NCDV 0844 8044 999.

And remember that you can get legal aid if there is DV.

Get in contact with WA for advice and support too. 0808 2000 247

Lweji · 30/05/2014 10:50

Do not underestimate abusers.
Most are coward bullies, but they may also do a lot of damage. :(

snoofle · 30/05/2014 10:51

Posters on here know what they are talking about in such matters op.

Lweji · 30/05/2014 10:55

In particular abusers who blame you rather than take responsibility are dangerous.

ImogenQuy · 30/05/2014 11:30

I agree you should get the injunction. This kind of thing only ever gets worse.Did the advice come from a lawyer or the police? Either way they know what they're talking about.

Original poster
Doearwigsmakechutney · 30/05/2014 11:38

Thank you. Dv helpline suggested the injunction. My solicitor thought that was a possible route but that, immediately, it would be sensible to try to agree that I be with the DCs over the weekend, without STBXH around. I am currently trying to establish if he will agree to this.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/05/2014 11:50

I think you need to talk to WA.
Does your solicitor have experience of DV?

SolidGoldBrass · 30/05/2014 12:00

OK, please take on board that it doesn't matter what he thinks and what he wants. He is a tosspot and you have left him, which is no more than what he deserves. By behaving in a way which is harmful and dangerous to you and the DC, he forfeits the right to live in the same house as you. He is your enemy. Hit him hard with the law, get injunctions barring him from the house and restricting his contact with the DC to supervised only. Abusive men are often willing to hurt or even kill their own children to punish their former partners for standing up to them and throwing them out.
Please don't waste any time searching for the magic button that will make this man behave in a reasonable manner. There isn't one. He is abusive, abusive men hate women and do not ever, ever change.

Jux · 30/05/2014 12:36

He isn't going to be reasonable. Whatever he says at any time will be designed to get him exactly the result he wants right then at that moment in time, but he will also see no reason why he should abide by anything he has agreed to. He might say he will stay away for the weekend and be all cooperative but it will be just words. When the weekend comes, if he feels like being there he'll wander in and upset the apple cart again.

He wants to win. He will do or say anything to win. Long term, middle term, short term, everything is about winning. It's a game to him. "if I say yes to this then she'll stop talking about it", that's all it is to him. It's not an undertaking, it's not a promise, there is no binding quality involved in it. Don't rely on it.

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