How do I make / encourage STBXH to be a better dad?

[Overtiredbackagain]

We've been separated for over a year (search Overtiredmum for various other Relationship threads). We have lived apart for 8 months now, absolute due any day.

For those 8 months I have constantly encouraged him to see DC every day, have sleepovers (which he has done 4 times). I have done this despite his drunken rages and abuse.

He got sacked from his job for theft 8 months ago, since then working has been sporadic to say the least and he pays nothing towards DC or joint debts, which I am trying to repay alone.

He has random days where he works, then turns DCs away cos he's "too tired", he's worked so hard blah blah - from one day?! Then he won't work for another couple of weeks.

I have met a lovely guy, the DC adore him, but we have made it clear to all concerned he will not be a replacement for their dad, but he is there for them in more ways than their dad is, if that makes sense.

I work full time, I'm exhausted, I'm skint but more importantly I'm fed up of trying to encourage him to spend "quality" time with DC. He has now in the last two weeks met someone else (which I am pleased for him) but at the same time he is now spending less time with DC as he is away every weekend and will only see kids when convenient for him. DC are picking up on it. My friend collected DC from holiday club yesterday, my two love her and her kids, their dad then collected DC from her after a random days work. My friend text me saying she was shocked by the way he spoke to kids, "come on I'm tired", "no I'm not playing match attack cards tonight". He was short and rude he had them for 20 minutes before he told me to collect them, he was supposed to drop the back a couple of hours later

Sorry, rambling, i feel so sad for DC. I've taken them to holiday club, h doesn't feel well, she's been off for a couple if days. I text their dad to keep him informed, he just said "what, again?!" I haven't responded

Just want to cry but sitting on coach commuting to work.

Its me again - back with more hilarious "Dad of the Year" tales!

So, my 40th birthday last Friday - it was a lovely day (albeit at work!), but at home for a BBQ with the kids and DP in the evening.

DC decided to try a sleepover with their dad on Saturday evening, and I should have guessed he was in a bad mood from the moment I pulled up at his house. The new girlfriend was due to drive down on the Sunday morning to meet DC, but she had apparently cancelled. He just ripped me to pieces (DC had gone into the house at this stage), saying I had to pay up for half of the "childcare" my friend was providing for him when he couldn't pick them up from after-school club. I laughed hysterically, which he hated. I told him that I already paid £400 a month for the after-school club, and that since the agreement was he had DC daily from club until I got home, any extra care should be paid for by him!! I mentioned that I was approaching work to see whether they would let me do flexible working, but I had to wait for them to consider it. He then ranted about the fact they have to let me blah blah blah, how I had manipulated him to care for his DC for ten years, just so I could go and have my career ????? (I worked evenings from 5pm to 11pm at night, then did everything at home, for 10 years, because I earned the most money - he looked after the DC two hours an evening!!) He told me that my DP had to "pull his weight" with DC when he wasn't available (he's been doing that for the last few months, contributing financially and emotionally!).

I told him I would happily contribute towards paying my friend, especially since it so obviously meant he would be contributing half to the school club! He coughed and spluttered for a few seconds, responding "of course, as along as I get receipts"!!! Result!! He reckoned he hadn't even started with me yet and I would get my comeuppance?!

Anyway, next day girlfriend turns up, they go to zoo, he backs down re money etc.

So, Monday, he starts new job, portering at a local hospital. He has to do six weeks training and can then pick what sort of role he wants - he wants ground maintenance.

By Tuesday he has quit - the job is "not for me"!?? Holy, WTF??

So today is my beautiful DS birthday - he is 9 My lovely friend called me around 6.45 last night to advise me that ex had text her to see whether she would collect DC from club today. She said "yes, of course, but you know its DS birthday?" No response. She then collected her DC from club, where the girls who run it asked what time she would be collecting my two, as they want a little birthday party for him. Friend said they were all having a chuckle about ex, because my friend said "Oh he probably wants to watch footie?" to which the ladies respond "well he mentioned [place where girlfriend lives]. My friend was seething, and rightly so.

I decided to go with the naïve approach of not knowing when I collected them last night from him, I wanted to see if he would say anything - of course he didn't he's a coward. I got a text from him when I got home to say "Oh I can't collect kids tomorrow, I am expected in [place where girlfriend lives] and she already moody cos I took kids shopping tonight for DS birthday present".

To which I said "fine, its his birthday, I hope she is worth it. I will ask Friend to collect Friday evening too, since girlfriend is clearly more important".

Cue half an hour later, I get a call asking for relationship advice - he is now not going to [place] because she had the hump he put his DC first, and he is angry with her. He doesn't know what to do because she is "head-string and stubborn". He can also now collect DC from school-club as he "has nothing better to do" since he and girlfriend are now not talking?!! I said his relationship was none of my business and that his ex-wife is not the person to be asking - since I clearly consider myself to also be "headstrong".

Sorry I'm waffling, don't really expect anyone to respond cos theres nothing really to respond to. I just think I needed to get it down in some form. I am so angry but for DC, I think its hilarious!

What sort of a person with responsibility as a parent, quits a job after 2 days because its "not them"?! I would clean toilets with a toothbrush if I needed money for my DC!!

Thank you, rant over

Oh and last one - DP bought me the most beautiful Michael Kors rose gold watch for my birthday!

Whether he likes it or not, he has a family. If his girlfriend thinks she's more important, he needs to ditch her and find one that appreciates this.

He also needs to knuckle down and get a bloody job! Talk to the CSA, start putting some pressure back on him. He's presumably getting some money from somewhere (JSA?) and should be paying i think £5 a week towards your costs.

Your current partner has no responsibility, beyond that to which he chooses to take up, towards your children. Furthermore, if the lazy so and so doesn't want to work, then he doesn't need bloody childcare anyway.

If he calls again asking for advice i would keep it succinct. Get a job. Get a decent girlfriend. Man the f* up.

His money is coming from the sale of the matrimonial home, his gambling winnings and the proceeds of stealing at his old job - although he reckons he has spent the lot, but hers certainly had money to wine and dine new lady, he settled up with the solicitor this week for the divorce with was over £400.

As for the girlfriend, I really think its funny that she has such control over him after 5 weeks, shows what a weak man he really is, but seriously?!! You would think she'd be pleased to know he had picked her over his own son's birthday, but to begrudge him taking him out the day before his birthday?!

My partner has no responsibility no, but he does more with them now than their dad does.

Grief! You sure picked a prize there, didn't you?

You'll always be mum though. Don't fear the other woman.

I'm a step-mum but I appreciate that was really difficult for the real mum to deal with when I first emerged on the scene. Kids get the difference though. They know, they remember all the times they were sick, afraid and just plain fed up, and mum still choose to look after them every single day. You might not have a ton of money to lavish them with (and hell, who doesn't want that), but you value people most when you are at your worst. It's the people who are always there that get the most love and respect.

Remember that when they bring home presents and tales of a brilliant day out that you can't afford for them. Their over-exuberance at the best day ever, having over stuffed themselves with ice-cream, sweets and McD's, which they promptly vomit all over your freshly vacuumed carpet, and you're the one cleaning it up.

Just remember, it's being there for them all the time that counts.

And I'm sorry, I missed your 40th birthday posting. So belatedly, happy birthday.

So today's chestnut - he wants to apply for tax credits?!

Just to clarify he doesn't currently contribute anything to DC, doesn't pay child care and working out sleepovers, they currently average once every two months?! So really?! Will he be awarded anything? Plus would it affect the £20 a week I have just been awarded?

I said I didn't think he would qualify but he said he would be happy with something towards his petrol when he collects then from school club or for food?! I tried not to laugh at that stage - DC are lucky to get a bag of crisps unless ex mum has done a shop!

On the plus side and whilst I am not celebrating - I'M FREE!!!!!! My absolute came through yesterday, my DS birthday so a very poignant date and bit information I have shared with DC

Yeah!

You must celebrate later.
Freedom!
for you for later.

Bless him. He really is completely delluded.

Well I thought that, but apparently someone has told him he is entitled - therefore must be true!!

What does he think he's applying for, he doesnt work and hes a NRP, he doesnt get a penny if hes not the primary carer for the children or working.

Hello OP,

I just wanted to ask if you'd tried to get any contribution from tax credits towards childcare costs? AFAIK you could still do this for after school clubs, as long as they're OFSTED registered. You could get up to 70%, but I'm not sure how income affects it- definitely worth asking though?

I think his chances of getting child tax credits are pretty much zero, btw.

His new girlfriend is obviously not mature enough to be able to cope with a relationship with a father- but that's something that he needs to realise (somehow I doubt that he will)- it's not your responsibility.

He has gone back to the job that he quit Tuesday - luckily he got it through a friend, so he managed to walk straight back into it, but he's complaining about how low pay it is, but he lives with his parents and has no financial outgoings apart from his car, his mobile (certainly not his children!); beer and cigarettes - so it can't be all that bad.

It just makes me mad with his attitude of entitlement - I have worked, I've always worked, I even went back to work early after maternity with both DC because I was the breadwinner and I couldn't afford to stay off. I have a fairly good job, paid relatively well, but I've worked so hard for it. I have shedloads of debts (some of which are his included) which I am trying to pay off, which will take me years, but I would clean toilets with my bare hands if my DC needed something, so I don't understand his attitude of not working, just because he doesn't like a job and then moaning about the amount he does get paid!! I drive the worst car going that needs loads of work and I just scrape through every month, with the help of my DP, but I'm happy, the kids are happy and settled and I wouldn't have it any other way.

But hell - I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEE!! I just need to concentrate on being the best mum I can possibly be, which is what I have only ever wanted!

And off to do the Euro lotto because if I win he now has no official claim to a stake in it!!