How do I make / encourage STBXH to be a better dad?

[Overtiredbackagain]

We've been separated for over a year (search Overtiredmum for various other Relationship threads). We have lived apart for 8 months now, absolute due any day.

For those 8 months I have constantly encouraged him to see DC every day, have sleepovers (which he has done 4 times). I have done this despite his drunken rages and abuse.

He got sacked from his job for theft 8 months ago, since then working has been sporadic to say the least and he pays nothing towards DC or joint debts, which I am trying to repay alone.

He has random days where he works, then turns DCs away cos he's "too tired", he's worked so hard blah blah - from one day?! Then he won't work for another couple of weeks.

I have met a lovely guy, the DC adore him, but we have made it clear to all concerned he will not be a replacement for their dad, but he is there for them in more ways than their dad is, if that makes sense.

I work full time, I'm exhausted, I'm skint but more importantly I'm fed up of trying to encourage him to spend "quality" time with DC. He has now in the last two weeks met someone else (which I am pleased for him) but at the same time he is now spending less time with DC as he is away every weekend and will only see kids when convenient for him. DC are picking up on it. My friend collected DC from holiday club yesterday, my two love her and her kids, their dad then collected DC from her after a random days work. My friend text me saying she was shocked by the way he spoke to kids, "come on I'm tired", "no I'm not playing match attack cards tonight". He was short and rude he had them for 20 minutes before he told me to collect them, he was supposed to drop the back a couple of hours later

Sorry, rambling, i feel so sad for DC. I've taken them to holiday club, h doesn't feel well, she's been off for a couple if days. I text their dad to keep him informed, he just said "what, again?!" I haven't responded

Just want to cry but sitting on coach commuting to work.

I've only agreed to it because the DC want to meet her, I don't want to put the DC in the middle of a bad situation with ex and me fighting over it if it is something they want to do, but I have categorically said there will be no sleepovers with her yet. I don't care about her "no third person in her relationship" blah blah. She has no control over me or my DC.

Personally, for someone with no children, I find it particularly odd that she wants to meet them so soon but each to their own!!

I spoke to my solicitor this morning and he agreed that from a legal standpoint, I am doing the right thing in facilitating a relationship between him and his children, even if she hasn't been on the scene for long, and that I can't really refuse in this instance because the DC haven't met her. If they come home saying they don't like her or something.

If the relationship doesn't last then I can put a stop to early introductions etc using the current experience as the example.

Do you know what really terrifies me? What if DC prefer her over their nagging moaning mummy, who makes them sit and do their homework and tidy their room :( what if she turns into the fun step-mum while I'm the mum who makes them eat vegetables and learn their times tables :(

If she tries to be as controlling of your DC as she is of your ex (very likely if they don't fit in with her narrative of what the realtionship should look like - it's all about her really), your DC will definitely not see her as fun.

A wise MNer said it best - you are the parent who stayed.

I just really hope I have made the right decision, I know I am going to worry for the whole of next week about it, but I'm not going to give it any thought this weekend - this weekend is all about the DC, my new partner and me. I might even be a total rebel and keep my phone switched off all weekend, just give him allotted times to call? Would that be completely horrible of me? I don't think so taking into account his behaviour last weekend?

FFS for the man who wants DC to meet his new lady, my friend collected them from after school club for ex to collect in case he was running late. He just turned up, left them some spending money for the weekend and left them there so he could go home to get ready for a night out?!! Ha ha really?! Night out is more important than spending a couple of hours with DC, especially when he won't see them all weekend?!!

Is it me?! Seriously, what's the matter with the man!!! I don't know whether to laugh or cry

My friend said they looked really sad when he turned up and were thrilled to be left there to play with her DC!

Arrrrgggghhhhhhhh!

Am I out of order feeling absolutely fuming about ex' girlfriend sending home cheap tat presents, especially when she hasn't even met them yet?!

I tried to make the correct "oooo that's pretty" noises to them both, whilst subtly suggesting they leave any presents she or ex buy at his house, as "we already have soooo much nice stuff at out house, if you leave it at daddy's you'll have nice stuff there too?" - all the while in my head I was jumping up and down on said cheap plastic tat, laughing hysterically?!

Its official, I am mean, yes???

Good grief.
The gift thing sounds seriously odd.

And I am not surprised about the going out and not spending time with HIS kids.

His priority now is impressing GF. Poor kids comes a very poor 2nd or 3rd now and will for a long time!

Thank you, I'm glad you said that hellsbells, I thought it was seriously odd that a woman with no children and in a new "relationship" of four weeks wants to meet the DC anyway, but just weird!

Its not the first time he has taken DC to meet a new lady friend, I only found out recently he took the kids on a blind date on a supposed day out, he got the DC to lie to me

They may have dropped right down on his list of priorities, but they will always be my number 1!

It just hurts that the DC are "wow we have presents from daddy's girlfriend"! When 24 hours before I had spent all the money I had taking them to LEGOLAND for the weekend and had to sit by and watch them waste their pocket money on gifts for him, am I doing something wrong??

I know they love me, unconditionally, but seriously I am going to end up the moaning nagging mum who makes them do homework, have baths and eat vegetables, and they will get to be the cool dad and girlfriend who do the wicked stuff with them

I know exactly what you are saying but that is just how it is.

Your DC will know you are the one always there. Always doing things for them. Nurturing them. Keeping them clothed and fed. Teaching them discipline. Being taxi driver, cleaner, cook, etc....
They will love you more than you can ever know.
Don't worry about that!

I would imagine this new GF will be another flash in the pan anyway.
They are already happy when they DON'T have to be with him! Just remember that!

Yes that is very true, yet again today he has let them down, so my friend will collect them and keep them until I can get back, but they will be thrilled they will get the opportunity to play with their school friends, instead of being taken back to their grans house where they just sit in his bedroom watching TV, because he is "too tired" to do anything with them.

I just feel bad that I am having to rely heavily on my friend at the moment. My new partner wants to help, but he only has a motorbike license, so collecting them is difficult when his work and their school is nearly 10 miles from home.

send the gifts back to his, tell him to keep gifts from her there, tell him any more that arrive will be binned. Every time you speak to him demand to know when he is going to pay his fair share for child care and loans etc and ask him when is he going to look after his children properly? I do mean do this in every single conversation that you have with him!! It will piss him off no end, but who gives a fuck about what he thinks. If he wants you off his back he knows what he should do. It will also shame him, he may not show it, but he knows how he should be behaving.

Stop dancing around this bloke, he a shit dad, a tight fucker and has no morals, make sure that you keep telling him this. Wont get you anywhere but will definitely 'rebalance' the relationship.

OH and tell your mum and dad the same at every opportunity, ask then to chip in the extra that their dSIL isn't paying, and maybe ask them to help with childcare EVERY time he lets you down. May help rebalance their view of him.

(i'm more cross with them than him tbh!!!)

I have started mentioning money every time I see him, I ask for money for absolutely everything, I'm even going to start keeping receipts for clothes, school uniform etc.

As for my mum and dad, I've learnt not to get into a dialogue with them about him, following him locking me in the bathroom and trying to have sex with me about nine months ago - my mum responded with "Well, what do you expect, he's obviously desperate?!"

He has again today let DC down, he generally picks them up from school club every day and has a couple of hours with them, but he is apparently "working late" and cannot see them tonight. My wonderful friend is collecting them and I'll have to leave work early again to collect them from her, as she has dinner plans with her parents. I'd be lost without her, but she has seen the side of Ex that I see, how he talks to DC etc and she was shocked. I just don't want to burden her.

Feel rotten this morning, no voice and my skin looks like it's realised I am hitting 40 on Friday and rebellion has broken out

Stay strong, OP, your love for your DCs shines through every post. I'd be prepared for him to cancel this weekend's plans at the last minute, given his track record.

Thanks Lego, I seriously doubt he will cancel this weekend since it is something he wants, dc meeting new girlfriend, unless he gets invited out for a beer Saturday night, then they might be an inconvenience.

He called my mate last night to ask her to collect them all week, he won't see them but by sounds of it she tore him off a strip!!!

What a gorgeous day! Still feeling rotten, really irritating cough that's kept me awake for last two nights.

Birthday tomorrow life begins at 40, yes???

Lovely new partner is planning a little BBQ for me and kiddiwinks when we get home tomorrow, then organised a dinner with some friends Saturday night whilst kids are having sleepover at dads for the weekend. I'll miss them terribly but they need time with their dad, I know that, and I'm looking forward to some quality time with my man. He's so patient and understanding (and a lot younger than me ) he's great with the kids. Putting kids to bed last night, dd run back downstairs to give him a hug goodnight. He looked totally shocked and brought a lump to my throat

I'm crap with advice, but i thought I'd tell you about my sisters childhood

My sisters father was something of a deadbeat, but Disney dad. He would only see her once in every two or three arranged contact days. Always a reason why he had to let her down. But when he did bother he brought gifts and took her to the zoo etc. she loved it and came back gushing. It must have upset my parents as they couldn't afford to do the same. And, I'm not going to lie, there was more than one occasion of 'daddy would have taken/let me' and 'I wish I was at daddy's!' 'Daddys not mean to me! Daddy doesn't ground me'.
By the time she was a teenager she cottoned on. She basically used his money, and didn't respect him at all. What's more she found out that without mam forcing and nagging and reminding her dad could easily forget to bother for weeks on end. By the time she was an adult she has no affection for him, and didn't continue the relationship. He's never met his grandchildren. Whereas mam, who stayed and grounded her and didn't take her on holidays, well, they're best friends, a day doesn't go by that they don't talk.

You're playing a very long game, and sometimes it'll be hard, but you're winning. Good luck- enjoy your birthday

Thank you pregnantpause. Its a very hard waiting game, very frustrating, but I'm going nowhere.

I too had similar with my sister and her dad, am not sure why I've never thought about it to be honest. She too often threw stuff in my parent's faces - daddy x will get it for me etc.

I can honestly see him moving within the next month or so to live with new woman, then I guess he will slip into the every other weekend. I can certainly see him dropping the parental responsibility (well, he is already!) but I will make damn sure he knows I will never let him drop the financial responsibility. My two beautiful, clever, funny and loving children deserve so much better.

Hope no-one minds, but thought I would share a picture of my two beautiful DC:

Nice kids, nice home and a wonderful loving mum. They'll be fine even if dad does opt out.

Thank you!

Nearly home time, can't wait to get home for cuddles with the DC!

Gorgeous kids with fabulous mum

And today life begins!!!!