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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I beleived him when he said he wanted to try again..what a fool!

27 replies

louby44 · 28/05/2014 19:59

ExP and I split last Dec after nearly 6 years (he moved out in Feb to live with his new gf of 7 weeks). He was angry, not nice to my 2 DS so I ended it. We still have a house/finances together which we are linked by until the house is sold. I have had a truly awful few months, lost lots of weight, had to have counselling, my heart was truly broken but I was getting slowly better, started dating again.

He sent me a text at the beginning of May (previously had been silent or nasty via text) saying he'd basically made a mistake. He knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed help with his anger. He and his gf had split (she'd gone back to her ex). God knows what he saw in her, they have nothing in common. She was a 100% rebound! He was struggling financially etc.

I spoke to a mutual friend of ours and she confirmed that he had a bit of a 'flash bang' moment at their house and realised he has wrecked every relationship he's ever had (inc. with his own DD) because of his anger issues. Our friend and her husband helped him to understand that he needs help.

He came over to see me and I couldn't stop shaking. We talked and cleared many things up. He came up to the house a few times over about 10 days, stayed over a few times. He said he wanted to talk to my boys and apologise, explain his behaviour and how he was seeking help. We discussed taking the house off the market (something stopped me doing that) and he started talking about coming back. He arranged some counselling and went to see a counsellor once (made a further appointment also). His house was put back up for rent. Daily texts. But the sex was different. He was different. But I still loved him, or the idea of him and what we had!

Somehow I knew it was too good to be true! Last week he text me (after I suggested his feelings were changing) and admitted that his feelings had changed towards me, he knew i thought he was a bastard (erm YES) and he was sorry. He thanked me for being there for him, for the good times and all we had done as a family.

For 24 hours I wasn't in a very good place. I just couldn't believe what he'd done. I don't understand why he did what he did. He was the one making plans for the future and whenever I suggested otherwise he asked me if I was having second thoughts.

I deleted his text, didn't reply. I've emailed him once to tell him something about the house/mortgage - it didn't need a reply. Blocked him on Facebook.

I think he thought that maybe he still loved me, but then realised he didn't. I don't think this man can be on his own, he always has to have a replacement woman.

Thankfully I'm ok. Going out, keeping busy as before. Can't believe I was so stupid.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 28/05/2014 20:13

try not to be too hard on yourself. really. you were only doing what normal people do, trying to see the best in him, etc.

unfortunately he is a knobber, but that doesn't make you stupid. you're not running after him, begging, anything like that. which is amazing and will stand you in good stead.

i'm sorry he was so horrible to you and your DSs.

winkywinkola · 28/05/2014 20:17

Well, you had come an awfully long way already before this clown came back into your life again.

So, you should consider this merely a minor setback. You are rattled by it but not knocked for six.

You're human. It's human to want to think the best of people.

And actually it's probably a blessing that this happened because you now won't waste any time wondering about the what ifs. The jerk has blasted those away for you.

You're doing all the right things. But I would extricate myself from any financial entanglements as quickly as possible. Self preservation in every respect is key here.

Keep going. You're doing very well.

Rightallalong · 28/05/2014 20:17

I've just had a similar experience.

Don't blame yourself for his shortcomings. You sound incredibly strong.

I'm going to take a leaf out of your book and ignore the bastard.

louby44 · 28/05/2014 20:22

Thanks. I'd kept my distance and hadn't contacted him at all (apart from one very drunken text at 3am one night in March saying I missed him)

If someone you love (or think you love) comes back saying they are sorry, were in the wrong, are willing to get help etc...then I think many people would listen.

He maybe should have taken time to be on his own, had some counselling and got himself straight!

He's one mixed up bloke!

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 28/05/2014 20:24

He might be one mixed up bloke but that's no concern of yours now.

Don't spend any more time thinking about it or trying to figure him out.

That is a waste of your life.

louby44 · 28/05/2014 20:50

Your right! I just need to sell this bloody house. Had an offer today but it was too low. Then once it's sold that will be it!

No further contact EVER needed!

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Mum4Fergus · 28/05/2014 21:37

I empathise,am in a very similar position. I've deleted all his contact details too...nc is the only way I can get through the split Hmm

newstart15 · 28/05/2014 21:47

I think he knows he would have to work hard to restore your faith and respect but it just felt like too much hard work for him.Why not try with another person who would think he was wonderful (until they knew him).

He doesn't seem to be able to have long term relationships and that's not likely to get better as he gets older, you will be happier without him.

louby44 · 28/05/2014 21:49

Going NC was the only way for me before! I did have to occasionally contact him about our house sale but always did it by text/email - deleted them straight away and tried to not get into an argument with him!

It was hard!

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Blossomflowers · 29/05/2014 11:07

louby think you have commented on my thread before. I also split with XP in December and went NC, was fine until we started speaking. NC seems the best policy. You XP sounds like a dick btw. Good luck with the house, things seem to be picking up.

louby44 · 29/05/2014 13:08

Hi blossom yes I remember you. I hope you're well.

My ex is a dick (that's what my sons call him The Dick) but after investing close to 6 years with the man I needed to hear him out.

Amazingly all my family & friends just stood by and said do what you think is right, we're here for you! no one judged me or said I was stupid for considering taking him back. They are really wonderful people and picked me up (again) when it all went wrong!

In many ways it's helped me seeing him again. He answered my many, many questions and in a sick sort of way I was glad that the grass wasn't greener and he wasn't blissfully happy - which is what drove me mad, thinking about him loved up and living a wonderful life - he wasn't/isn't. He was living in a shit hole, with a woman whose life could easily be a Jeremy Kyle programme, he has no money, had to cancel his holiday and admitted everything he did before he left was to hurt me!

The way I think about him now has completely changed, I feel quite sorry for him that at nearly 50 years of age, he has nothing!

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 29/05/2014 13:13

louby I can identify with all that, there was no one else in out split, that must make things so much harder for you. But like you I was glad to find out that is life was pretty crap, my XP wants us to be together but live apart, I verge from loving to loathing him. I have so far resisted the urge to reply to his text today.Sitting on my hands

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2014 13:46

Oh louby what a total arse he is

You are not a fool. He is. I just know that you will pick yourself up very soon and be happy and free of the knobcheese

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2014 13:46

blossom remember: NO ANSWER IS THE BEST ANSWER

Blossomflowers · 29/05/2014 13:59

Tis strange the less you appear interested the more they chase
Still sitting on hands....
louby your friends and family sound great

Mum4Fergus · 29/05/2014 14:07

Be together but live apart...that sound oh so familiar to me too. Cake and eat it in other words...I think not!!!

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2014 14:09

Blossom - nothing you can think of to say will irk him more than no answer.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2014 14:10

Split up after 6 years and already dating again.

Take a break from going from man to man and fgs, DUMP anyone who is 'not nice' to your kids. No man is worth that.

louby44 · 29/05/2014 14:28

I certainly have not gone from man to man. I've been on a couple of dates to make ME feel better. And for a bit it does make you feel better. But I know I'm not truly ready to date.

He wasn't always horrible to my kids, it was a gradual thing as the relationship settled. It took a lot of courage to end it, we had a life/home/family together.

But yes, ignoring them drives them mad. If you don't reply to a text/phone call/email it drives them crazy.

I have nothing left to say to my exP. My only conversations will be about the house sale. And even that could be done with the estate agents.

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Blossomflowers · 29/05/2014 14:42

louby I also dated when I split from my X of 20 years, nothing wrong with that and it certainly gave me a boost, I had not felt like a woman for years. Ironically he only wanted to start talking again when he found out I was seeing someone and I got sucked in, still not replied.

louby44 · 29/05/2014 15:23

Blossom you know in your heart that it will never be what it once was. You cannot go back, only forward!

My ex kept saying "I don't want it to be like before, I want it to be better" - I was totally drawn in, I think he really wanted to believe it too. He was talking about buying a new TV, making plans for a holiday, planting bulbs in the garden - it was all very bizarre!

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 29/05/2014 15:36

Ah sounds all rather familiar, My X has been introducing me to his new friends,( who he invited to my house to cook) talking about buying a place in France, but we are not a a couple and he will never live with me. Not that I have asked him to, lol. But then again my XP is mentally ill You are right louby time to move on before he completely fries my brain.

Quitelikely · 29/05/2014 18:24

Be brave. The first cut is the deepest, as they say.

The most exciting thing now is your future. With someone who loves,adores and treats you with the respect you deserve

AdeleNazeem · 30/05/2014 00:46

sometimes you need to step a back into what you had before, because it still has some kind of hold/meaning for you… and by doing that, you realise it is really over. It's not abnormal, not a stupid action, so don't beat yourself up over it. it's just a stage you needed to go through, to fully detangle yourself from what you used to have… a part of the process. It may feel that you went backwards but sometimes when a split happens you can't help romanticizing what you had. And this is a way that you killed any of that.

your friends sound great … make sure you plan ahead, plan for the future, it can be great.. everything is all ahead now!

louby44 · 30/05/2014 10:04

Adele that is very true. I think by him making a re-appearance I realised I had romanticised a lot of our time together. He's done me a favour really. I thought I would feel a lot worse than I do!

My stumbling block is this house which refuses to sell! Had quite a few viewings and a very low offer - can't fully move on until it's sold and I've bought my own place (again!)

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