How to move on from Dh's resentment of third DC

[whydoIhavetodoeverything]

He didn't want third DC, I did desperately, one thing led to another, twins. He can't get over it, feels fury and resentment of 'the life that we have lost' the financial pressures, the hard work, which boils over when he's tired or when kids are hard work. He is in a foul mood most of the time. He is generally a good man, and I want us to stay together (we can't afford not to), but how do we move on from this as its affecting the happiness of our family and creating a black cloud over our life. The argument that it takes two to make a baby (or two) falls on deaf ears, he says he was 'emotionally blackmailed' (he wasn't). He was pretty unwilling to consider couple counselling when I raised it. What can we do to make it better. Going on date night etc not very practical due to problems with leaving dcs and lack of cash. We don't have time together, he works in evening, kids around the rest of the time.

Well, a man who doesn't want babies has a vasectomy - or is that "your business" to sort?

He sounds fucking awful - GP depression? Frankly, he sounds beyond redemption. He didn't want babies but didn't mind making them?!

When you said "one thing led to another...twins," what did you mean, why?

If he didn't want a baby, and you did and you both ended up with twins, how did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?

If he's agreed to another pregnancy, then that's one thing, but why is he claiming that he was emotionally blackmailed into having another child?

If he really didn't want another, and has ended up with two, tbh, I can understand him feeling resentful, unless of course, he was totally up for having another baby, which you say he wasn't.

I know it seems nosey, but I do think how you ended up pregnant is key to this. If he was happy to have unprotected sex, I think it is appalling that he he is placing all of the responsibility at your feet.

Yes, we weren't using contraception. But any 'how do we get through this' advice?

It sounds like you're in for a couple of really tough years, but as you will already know with two DCs, it does get easier gradually, though I don't suppose that is much help in the meantime.

Do you have family nearby? How old are your older DCs? Is there any chance that they can go to their grandparents for a night every couple of weeks, with perhaps the babies going to another family member, so that for one night every couple of weeks you get the house to yourself?

Are you able to tell us how old the Dtwins are, OP?

Oh .

I was thinking exactly the same thing as RedRoom which is why I asked.

By your description of his behaviour, I was wondering if there had been an "accident".

Given that he was happily having unprotected sex, his attitude and behaviour is shocking, and I really feel for you.

Not at all sure that I know where to start with how on earth you can move forward. I would be very resentful of his behaviour!

Perhaps he needs to go to counselling on his own?
Even if he had been the driving force behind pregnancy number 3, I think it's OK to have a wobble afterwards and regret it - but, only if you work on it yourself and don't take it out on anyone else. He needs to work through the feelings.

You say you didn't emotionally blackmail him, but you also say you were desperate for another, and he didn't want to. He has equal responsibility for sex without contraception. But with that description, I think you should listen to his feelings about being pushed into it. They may be valid. Ultimately it's tough luck, he had sex, he has the babies. But if he did feel pressured, your relationship is more likely to recover if you can both acknowledge that and talk about it.

I can only say what Misfitless and Cabrinha have said: he clearly was jointly responsible for the pregnancy and needs to stop directing his resentment at you. You didn't trick him or trap him. I think the couples counselling should be raised again: he might need an impartial ear. I can understand his frustrations given that having children can be akin to throwing a grenade into a relationship because normality can be blown apart, but things will get easier as the children get older. I guess the main worry would be if you think he would have it in him to try and walk away from the situation?

You need to contact a mediator to navigate how you can co parent your children with good humour, respect and discipline.

If your DH won't got go counselling, you could suggest he sees his GP for a mental health check, as he does sound depressed.

A temporary separation might be the ticket until your DH is ready to face the reality of his life, and the part he has played to get to where he is, without playing the blame game, and abdicating his responsibilities.

Best of luck to you all: I know you'll come through this with or without your DH, and you'll never regret having your dcs.

I would just like to offer an alternative to Venus' advice...

I would definitely not have a temporary separation..no way! If your Dh is depressed, he will need your support and understanding until he can see the through the mist, if you feel strong enough for this.

If he leaves, there's a real chance that you might grow further apart. He might prefer the quiet and the calm more than the chaos and noise of a house with four DCs, and be reluctant to come back....there is no way of telling.

If a mum was struggling with the reality of her life, would we suggest she temporarily left the family home, especially if we suspected she was suffering from depression?

I don't think he would leave, but there is a possibility he would stay and just be in a foul mood every so often for years. Which is probably worse. But we have both said we love each other, I think that is a good start, the next step is how we acknowledge his resentment, let go of the past, and not let it affect the happiness of our dcs and us. He does find the whole childrearing hard work, but is picking up most of the work with the older dcs whilst I look after the babies. He also works very long hours which means he's not a very relaxed happy go lucky person.

fortunately there is no option of his moving out, we couldn't afford for him to set up on his own, and couldn't sell our house as we need the space for 4 kids!

It would help if you could tell us the ages of your DC,s OP, but as you haven't I'm assuming you don't want to.

I've already suggested trying to have a night without the DCs...any chance of this? Not a date night, not even going out, just a bottle of wine with no kids and chance to talk without being interrupted.

All I can say, from experience of having four DCs, and from being an auntie to twins, is that it will gradually get easier.

I would really try and put a stop to you being solely responsible for the Dtwins. It seems that he has taken on the role of sorting out the older DCs, and that you tend to deal with the babies, but you run the risk of them never settling for your DH, which isn't really fair on either your 4DCs, your DH or you.

Maybe he could start off by giving the dtwins a bottle each while you read the older DCs a story, or cuddle the babies while you bath the older two..?

Maybe your DH and the oldest DC could get one of the babies ready for bed, while you and the other DC get the other baby ready?

If he doesn't get involved with the babies as much as he should, I imagine his resentment towards them will only get worse, if he feels that they don't respond well to him, or cry because they want you, when he's trying to care for them.

Like I said, it would be easier if I knew the ages, all of the above might be irrelevant, depending on the ages of the DCs.

We ended up with twins after 5 children - my husband wasn't exactly screaming with joy either and the first few years were tough - but we made it and those twins are now the total light and joy of his life - they can literally do no wrong in his eyes and they are now mid teens.

If he feels he was emotionally blackmailed (even if you don't agree that he was) then those feelings need to be acknowledged so he can work through them.

Some really helpful suggestions here, thank you. Dcs are 7,5 and under 1. Whilst I don't agree with the emotional blackmail point, I do think that I need to acknowledge and talk through. Babysitting for dcs not that easy a moment unfortunately. Good idea about trying to get him involved in babies more too. God its been tough.

my DH was the same with No 3. It caused some big upheaval in our lives, esp financially as I could not afford to work and we had no help. He was a grumpy git for some time after ds2 was born.

Gradually, things got back on track - mainly because DS2 wheedled his way into DHs heart, and was a real Daddy's boy by 2.

I think also that my middle child , ds1, is very sporty, like his dad, and DH got involved in a community rugby team and later with Scouts when he was small, and that social outlet for DH has made all the difference to DHs mood. Suddenly he was hanging out with other blokes and socialising regularly and shock horror, actually had a pretty good social life.

Speaking to him now about his anger about ds2 he denies it, blames pressure at work etc.

I think that DH could not see the woods for the trees, could only see the money and lack of time and the daily frind that is caring for small children. He just needed to find a new, fun outlet for himself with the older kids, until the little one grew up a bit.

Our youngest is now 4, and I keep catching myself thinking, this time 2 years ago...or....this time last year, I quite often felt like I was on my knees, and this time 18 months ago, I used to sit in the bath, wanting to not ever come out of the bathroom!

At the time I don't think I realised how hard it was, it's only now looking back that I fully understand.

You don't sound at all resentful, just incredibly understanding and supportive of your DH, which is half the battle.

YY to couple counselling imho, if you can get DH on board. Are you both at home at the weekend? Could you take turns having a lie in, or allocate a couple of hours each to the other one having a couple of hours away from the DCs to recharge your batteries?

Say, you have two hours on Sat and he has two hours on a Sunday? Even just a couple of hours on your won each, might make all the difference.

Can you sit down together and talk through the options, both suggest ways of helping you both to make the best of the situation?

Anything to break up what perhaps feels like monotony and drudgery?

It will most definitely ease over the next few years, which seems like a lifetime, but will pass quicker than you think.

Being married is tough. After 42 years, my husband and I have run the gauntlet of every emotion. He has had grumpy periods and no doubt has thought. Of leaving four kids for a bit of peace but like your DH he stuck it out and I stuck it out and it got easier. Having four small children is very hard especially if you have no family near by. It will get easier, keeping talking, ignore looking for blame and try and to take pleasure

i am speaking as the parent who used to resent no. 3 having been the one who wanted to stop at 2.

like your dh, beforehand was actually ok with the concept but when dc3 arrived and reality set in i found it really hard. i wasn't resentful of the child, who is unbelievably gorgeous, but of the circumstances i found myself in.

i agree that his feelings need acknowledging. he feels like that, even if you don't agree. you can't tell him what to feel, any more than he has control over it.

i agree that he needs to get involved in the twins more. he needs to form a bond that will get him over this resentment, and enjoying them and having a good relationship with them is key.

time will make things a lot easier. as they get older and play together more, taking the pressure off you both will help hugely.

I think it suits him to have an excuse to behave like a bear with a sore head, frankly. He gets to stamp around being a miserable bastard and, if you dare pull him up on it, he can conveniently blame you for everything. Result, is that you feel responsible for his behaviour. If anyone's guilty of emotional blackmail, I think it's him

So I don't think you do any more bending over backwards or making allowances to 'get through this' but rather present him with life as it really is. Bluntly put.... 'Not standing for more fury and resentment. We have four kids. Get over it.'

Eddie's point about him needing to get involved with the twins to bond and enjoy them more is a good one. If he is overwhelmed by their needs and doesn't feel he currently has it in him to provide for them (emotionally or physically) then that could become a self fulfilling prophecy, ie that he feels that they 'take' and he gets very little in return except stress and exhaustion, and therefore the resentment increases. One of the things that makes a screaming baby or lack of sleep easier to deal with is the bond with the child that is giving you a splitting headache!

Am out and about today, but will re-read these tonight when I can process some of the really really helpful insights, thank you

I wonder if it might help to plan out some dates in the future when you could have more freedom e.g. On their 2nd birthday we will have a monthly date night. Third birthday use their free nursery place to have a pub lunch once a month, fourth birthday etc

Its good to hear that others have come through a similar situation, and I DO have the perspective that it doesn't last forever really.
I popped into relate today, but each session costs 40 quid, which we really can't afford at the moment as we are just breaking even with us both working.
But I will cut and paste the suggestions from this thread (he would be furious if he knew I was posting here!) and intend to sit down with him over the weekend when we are more relaxed. Thank you for all of your thoughts and insights, wish us luck x