How to move on from Dh's resentment of third DC

[whydoIhavetodoeverything]

He didn't want third DC, I did desperately, one thing led to another, twins. He can't get over it, feels fury and resentment of 'the life that we have lost' the financial pressures, the hard work, which boils over when he's tired or when kids are hard work. He is in a foul mood most of the time. He is generally a good man, and I want us to stay together (we can't afford not to), but how do we move on from this as its affecting the happiness of our family and creating a black cloud over our life. The argument that it takes two to make a baby (or two) falls on deaf ears, he says he was 'emotionally blackmailed' (he wasn't). He was pretty unwilling to consider couple counselling when I raised it. What can we do to make it better. Going on date night etc not very practical due to problems with leaving dcs and lack of cash. We don't have time together, he works in evening, kids around the rest of the time.

Wishing you and your DH luck, why

Normally I am all over threads about unwanted children (was one myself), defending the partner who isn't wanting another, more so from the point of view of the child. In this case, the fact that he was happy to have unprotected sex really doesn't give him any room for resentment, to be fair.

What I want to say to him is,

Your children WILL feel this. Your children risks feeling unloved, betrayed and let down. There is a risk that your children will face issues with relationships in later life because of the weight of your resentment. You might think you can hide it, but it shows. Perhaps through your actions, but through you carelessly chosen words, your careless inactions.

You do risk treating your children completely differently to the others & your children WILL notice.

I have no relationship with my mum because she didn't want me. And she couldn't hide her resentment at my having been born. If you don't want to damage your relationship with your children, you owe it to them to accept what your actions have given you & make the most of what you have. Every day. And NEVER....and I mean NEVER let them know how much you resent them.

They didn't ask to be bought into this world. The day you refused to wear a condom, or go without protection, you took the decision to create life. Be a fucking man & give them what they deserve.

Stop making this all about you & make the best of what you have done to your family, you owe it to at least 2 of your kids.

I don't see how you emotionally blackmailed him. I mean, did you pressure him not to put a condom on at the time? Did you hide them? Did you hold him down?

I am assuming
he willingly had sex
He willingly didn't use a condom
He willingly ejaculated into you

All the time knowing you wanted another dc & he didn't. Therefore, he knew the risk! There is no blackmail there, just a man stupid enough not to protect himself.

Stupidity isn't a defence.

Just to say I was nine years old when my father told me he'd never wanted me in the first place; believe me it isn't something you ever forget

Whatever happens, please, please don't let this happen to your precious children

Hope he has had a vasectomy by now.

If you knew he didn't want anymore, what on earth were the pair of you thinking by having unprotected sex! Presumably you were quite happy too as it was likely you would get your own way with a third but you both knew this wasn't what he wanted so should have be a lot more grown up.

If he works long hours and then comes home to start again, of course he will be bad tempered. He's likely tired on top of everything else.

It's the children that will suffer, don't under estimate the effect not being wanted can have on children and they will pick up on it.

So was it a joint decision not to use contraception or your decision only? Was it a 'whoops a daisy I forgot to take my pill on purpose baby'

differentnameforthis I totally agree with your post at 13.26, but not when you go on to say that there is no way that the OP's husband could have been emotionally blackmailed and that he must have been being stupid. There is not enough information here from the OP to judge that.

If a woman posted that her partner had pressured her into having a child, she would not be called stupid if she had been unreasonably pressured into stopping taking the pill.

OP, I have some insight into how your husband may be feeling, as I was the one pressured into having my youngest. Your husband really needs to find some way of expressing/dealing with his resentment, and do that pretty soon/now, so that he can accept the situation he is in and not let it get in the way of his relationship with his children. I don't think it has to affect his relationship with his children in the long term, but he does need to be adult about the whole thing, to ensure he won't lose his temper when he is overwhelmed with the situation and say something he later regrets etc. Good luck.

Fortunately he doesn't act anyway differently to the babies, he cuddles, kisses them, goes into see them when they are sleeping in their cots, tickles them he says that its ME that he resents. He doesn't do much of the grunt work looking after the babies, but that's because he is getting the older ones ready for bed, dealing with them when they wake up in night etc (a job we used to share, now he does it all). I did want another baby, hence wasn't too bothered about using contraception, but we have both recognised that we should have talked it through instead of leaving it to chance. But I know, if I didn't want an extra baby, I would have bloody made sure there wasn't one.