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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

18 months without sex in a relationship. ..help

30 replies

embracethisspace · 27/05/2014 17:40

Ive been with my partner for 6 years. We haven't had sex for18 months. We get on and all that but the intimacy has died. I don't really want to leave her and wondered if anyone was in the same boat and we could help each other?

OP posts:
Original poster
embracethisspace · 27/05/2014 17:42

If you can help in any way get in touch. Thanks

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 17:43

Did something change 18 months ago? Do you have children together?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 27/05/2014 17:46

I think you might need "help" but possibly not the kind you had in mind.

Roseflowers · 27/05/2014 17:51

Do either of you attempt to initiate sex? Do you kiss, cuddle, sleep together (and not just in the same bed but actually physically close to one another). Do you spend meaningful alone time together, not just time when the two of you are alone with one another and co-existing? If you're doing all of these things and still not having sex then that's a whole different issue to if you're doing none of them, especially with regards to creating physical intimacy!

Original poster
embracethisspace · 27/05/2014 23:21

CogitoErgoSometimes. We went through a difficult time when she was messing about with someone else. But got over that and initially sex was ok but then it tailed off to nothing. We luve ib each others pockets and enjoy the same things, common interests and all that!

OP posts:
Original poster
embracethisspace · 27/05/2014 23:23

What kind of 'help' do you think I need. ..BitterandOnlySlightlyTwisted

OP posts:
IWillIfHeWill · 28/05/2014 00:32

Sounds like you're looking for someone to stand in for your partner in the bedroom area.

Why are you still with her if there's no sex? Reading mn has taught me that many relationships are sex-free, but I can't imagine it myself. Why bother? Why not leave?

Monty27 · 28/05/2014 00:34

Help? Confused

Erm, this is a public forum, if you need advice it's here Hmm

beaglesaresweet · 28/05/2014 01:34

fgs he is asking for help, as in advice/help understanding. Lots of women on here have thread titles with 'help!' in them. Why is it so often on MN that when a man posts, people just try to bite his head off first, then consider advising Hmm

scarletforya · 28/05/2014 02:13

We don't know that it's a man, but fair point.

WildBill · 28/05/2014 07:07

You are kissing cousins - the relationship is dead. You are not married have been together 6 years but the relationship lasted 4.5 years.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? End it and find someone for a full loving relationship as it's clearly important to you.

rainbowfeet · 28/05/2014 07:17

Do you think she could be "messing around" with someone else now?

NotNewButNameChanged · 28/05/2014 08:09

Leave. I am a man who was in a sexless relationship for years. Not going into all the facts, have done so on many threads before. It will not get better. It will destroy your self-esteem and confidence. You are now roommates. Seriously, get out now.

normalishdude · 28/05/2014 08:32

Yes, best leave now IF sex is that important to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2014 08:43

A lot of relationships don't survive affairs. If the OM/OW was only dispensed with reluctantly there may be resentment towards you which has turned into sexual rejection. If the relationship was not all that good before the affair, this could be a natural progression. Could be something else entirely, of course, and the affair is a coincidence.

It sounds as though you need to talk to each other honestly about where you see the future of your relationship. There's no point just 'getting on' if one of you wants intimacy and the other doesn't.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 09:40

I find these types of threads so sad and there seems to be a lot of them doesn't there?

OP have you two had an open honest discussion about it. Does she know how it makes you feel? Does she want it to change?

I think talking (maybe with the help of a counsellor) is your only hope

Good luck

Original poster
embracethisspace · 29/05/2014 00:46

She might be messing about again, I don't know. I'm not even sure if I can have an intimate relationship with any one else as this has destroyed my self esteem. Thats why I asked for help. Women on here have done this before without being ridiculed

OP posts:
Bellezeboobian · 29/05/2014 00:51

Talk! Honestly it's the only way. Me and my DP went through this phase and we just spoke to each other. I was bothered because I felt he didn't 'fancy' me anymore and he was shocked. just said it wasnt an issue unless it was for me and that he was quite happy with kissing and cuddling and everything else we do as a couple. as am I Grin sex isn't as important to some as it is to others, once the 'honeymoon phase' is over it's up to you if you want to continue.

Casmama · 29/05/2014 00:58

I'm sorry you feel ridiculed- I think the lie about helping in any way get in touch read a little strangely as if you were looking for PMs from people who could help in ways other than offering advice. I don't think it is a general assumption about men.

I agree with others, no sex for this long with a history of her cheating in a relatively short relationship - time to move on I think. You don't mention any children so hopefully there aren't any other complicating factors but this doesn't bode well for a lifelong relationship.

Casmama · 29/05/2014 00:59

Line not lie

Maisie0 · 29/05/2014 01:43

I haven't been in this situation and I used to think that you can be with someone and that they would be just as into you too. But the reality is that, to be in a true relationship, both of you need to know who you are as individuals. From the sound of things, one of you have been lying about who you are as a person. Or both of you have tried to accommodate each other and it pushed each other away.

Have you ever asked her about why she was messing around with somebody ? There is a need that is not being met. Does she know what it is ? The other thing is, do you guys talk about your actual relationship itself too, or feelings about one another's actual personal growth ? Do you guys have similar personalities or opposing personalities ?

You genuinely need to be very honest you know. Even me and my ex was very honest too. We told one another what we expected from each other, and what are our strengths and weaknesses. If you want to aim for true unconditional relationships then you got to be brave to face this kind of music. Either it will bring you together more, or that it will give you closure and that you guys depart.

Most threads on here on MN where the guy cheats, then the relationship is over. You got to ask yourself honestly when you are clinging onto her. If it is because you feel that you will not find someone else, then this is not really a good enough excuse, cos once you are out of this environment, opportunities will become clearer.

Original poster
embracethisspace · 29/05/2014 14:24

Thankyou for your thoughts maisie0. ..I know something has to change, just hate the thought of confrontation

OP posts:
Original poster
embracethisspace · 29/05/2014 14:27

Casmama. I am finding it difficult at the moment. No one I can talk to who isnt w mutual friend, so looking for help to bring up my confidence in all areas of my being

OP posts:
VanderElsken · 29/05/2014 14:29

Confidence is key. Plus get and read 'Mating in Captivity' by Esther Perel. It will help with your confusion about intimacy and eroticism.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/05/2014 14:59

You say you don't want to leave her. Maybe she hopes by distancing herself sexually you will get the hint. Sorry to be blunt is she depending on you financially?

Everyone says it's healthy to have some separate interests and keep one's own friends. You are using the phrase 'living in one another's pockets' which is either stifling or contented cosiness. Housemates just share living space, lovers share beds and plan ahead and light up when they catch sight of one another.

Now if she went off with someone before I imagine you'd be on the alert for any signs she is cheating again but 'there are none so blind as those that will not see'. So think hard. Any gaps in her week, forever dashing off to the gym or putting in overtime with no reward to show for it? Sudden abrupt halt to conversations just as you walk in, secretive phone usage when home? Always too tired to go out or stay up late?

Sex isn't everything but there's got to be something honest and worthwhile to fill the gap.