Is it normal to feel like this about sex?

[MatildaWhispers]

I have a history of sexual abuse (as an adult). I want to be able to have a 'normal' sexual relationship at some point, whatever that is exactly. And I am wondering if I am expecting too much, or not really understanding what 'normal' is.

Sorry if TMI, but I am not sure I will ever be able to give oral sex again, because of what my ex did. This makes me feel pretty crap, as I feel this is a pretty 'basic' thing I won't be able to do. But I am aware that I might be able to manage if I really forced myself to do it. I could probably manage to 'tune out' and distance myself from the act, though I do realise that is probably not sensible.

But it makes me wonder what 'normal' is. Do most women not actually enjoy giving it, but they do it because they love their partners? So are my feelings about this actually pretty normal?

Normal is whatever you are comfortable with.

Please don't force yourself to do something you are uncomfortable with. Not everyone is like your ex. Someone decent would understand and try to persuade you to do something you don't want to do.

Normal sex is always is whatever makes you feel comfortable, safe, happy and relaxed. A sensitive and loving partner will never make you do anything you are uncomfortable with. Good sex is a very personal expression of affection... not a competition with set pieces. You're quite normal

Wouldn't oral sex be something 'basic' though, so something that would automatically be expected? My ex was so convincing and insistent that it was so important that I do this for him and in a particular way that it's hard to imagine that someone else would be ok with me not doing it.

Based on things I see in the media, comedy routines etc, (doesn't feel like the right place to mention comedy, but this is something I have noticed) it feels like everyone else would be doing this for their partner.

A decent person would absolutely be ok with you not doing it.

Lots of people do it because they want to and are comfortable doing it. Equally lots of people don't because they are not.

No, it is not automatically expected, and any person who does believe they are entitled to it are horrible. Not all men like receiving oral, either. Sounds crazy but it is true.

Everyone is different, there is no script to follow.

No, normal is not doing something that you don't like to please your partner. Normal is enjoying what is happening and feeling involved in it.

Please do not feel guilty if you happen to not like something. There are lots of women who don't like oral sex, and contrary to popular belief there are men who aren't that bothered about receiving it either. It's possible that in time, after a lot of years, you might change your associations and be able to get closer to it. But if not, this is not a problem. Don't feel guilty for it, certainly don't apologise for it. Anybody who pushes you or expects you to do something you've told them you're not comfortable with is not worth your time or affection.

I went through an experience that made sex difficult for me, and when I first got together with my now DH I kept stopping sex in the middle of it because I didn't really believe that it was okay for me to do that and I was allowed to change my mind. He was always perfectly fine and patient about it. That's how it should be - it's just about believing that for yourself, too, and then you won't hang around if a guy is being pushy, you won't accept it as normal any more (BTW, not NOT ever saying that the abuse was your fault. Nobody asks to be abused and it creeps up on you. Just reaffirming that you have the right to refuse anything and everything, for any spurious reason, whether you've never tried it or done it 10000 times, whether you've liked it in the past, whether it's halfway through, whether he's about to come. It's always okay to say no/stop, and he always needs to listen.

I might PM you if you don't mind? Nothing scary just a link to an older thread I don't want to re-surface.

Don't worry about it, any decent bloke would just accept it. Any man who doesn't accept you won't give him a bj because of previous abuse isn't worth thinking about anyway.

I'm absolutely sure that the proportion of women in "normal" relationships who give their partners oral sex is substantially less than 100%. I think that few men would refuse it but a good man would not insist on it if his partner was not keen.

Also, you don't need to decide now what you will or won't do for all time. Once you have the relationship, you might find that, over time, what you are comfortable with will change. Either way, if you are ever having to "distance yourself" from your partner during sex, something is not right.

I don't give BJs as don't like doing it. Just do what you like. Any man who feels he is entitled is not worth being with.

Thanks for the replies.

I think I find it so hard to believe some women do enjoy giving oral, based on my experience. And yet because it seems like blow jobs are a really basic part of having a sex life, I was thinking maybe lots of women do just put themselves through it even if they actually don't want to. But sounds like that's not the case.

It does feel like such a basic thing that I feel quite crap that I don't feel I could do it.

I don't mind if you PM me Bertie.

I don't think it has to be part of a "normal" sex life. I have been seeing a guy for 4 months and he hasn't mentioned it once.

If you don't feel comfortable with it, then no decent man would pressure you into it.

I won't go into how many different sexual acts there are but when you think about it, there are so many out there that some people do that others do no. Some girls hate receiving but are fine with giving for example.

Normal is what you're comfortable with. If you want to use a sex-swing dressed as cat woman, that's your normal and your next partner can either accept that or not.

I don't hate giving it but sometimes I'm just not in the mood and it's not something I want every time, but my husband would love it every hour on the hour. That just ain't gunna happen!

Op, yes it is perfectly "normal" for oral sex not to be part of couples sex relationship. But from your latest comments I would have to guess that your exs idea of oral sex doesnt bear any resemplance to 95% of non coersive oral, probably looks more similar to oral rape or violent porn in fact.

In 100% of cases consensual oral sex puts the woman in total and complete control of the act. In "rough"" consensual oral she is still in total control but has given her partner permission to hair pull/shove or whatever, and she can withdraw her permission to a bit of "rough" at any time. If anything takes place which the man knows is outside her wishes then it is assault of some type, and this is NOT the kind of oral that would takep place in any loving relationship.

I have never felt comfortable - giving or receiving. In fact, I would say a feel a lot less than comfortable with it. However, until recently it is something I have done as it was 'expected'.

Fortunately my now partner told me he wasn't keen before there was even an opportunity. So not all men expect it and you should not feel you have to be the cool girlfriend about it.

no not normal.

tmi but I have major gag reflex my partner knew this and never expected it.

he would rather please me which app turned him on more than me doing it because he knew uididn't like it.

Thanks.

Paradoxical, that's exactly it, I would feel I need to be the 'cool girlfriend', as I would have doubted a man would really want to be with someone who felt unable to do that.

Koala, I think you're right that my idea of giving oral is at odds with what most people do. I only found out relatively recently, from an old thread on here, that it doesn't have to involve (sorry TMI) taking the whole penis into your mouth. I found that really difficult, but my ex thought I just needed more practice. And in a weird way I thought maybe he had a point, as I had no benchmark for what other people mean by oral.

It's hard to believe there are men who genuinely aren't bothered by whether they receive or not, but I hope that's right.

I know I have low self esteem, and so I guess it's just believing that you still have something to offer someone else within a relationship, even if giving oral isn't something I could easily do.

But maybe if I can manage to give it in a different way, as I think you mean Koala, then it might be easier to manage.

YY, if your experience is anything like I'm imagining it wouldn't be anything like a normal/sexually healthy experience of oral. I like it, now, both for the giving my partner pleasure part but also in itself as an exploring kind of thing. Sorry trying not to be too graphic, but to explain. I know in the past I couldn't understand why anybody might enjoy it but things are very different for me now. I would not enjoy oral sex when I wasn't 100% in control though and DH knows that and wouldn't so much as rest a hand on my head (I hate that, makes me feel like a dog).

The problem with listening to mainstream media about sex is that mainstream media, especially comedy, is very misogynist and presents a skewed view. You know the old joke that women don't actually like sex and men have to trick them into it. That's underlying a lot of comedy and actually if you think about what it's saying, that's very uncomfortable because it's describing rape. That's certainly not the norm or at least it isn't in a healthy relationship. But a lot of the portrayals, not just of sex but of relationships in general in popular media are really skewed and unhealthy. Okay mostly it's just because the writers are lazy and reusing tired old, outdated stereotypes. But still, don't pay too much heed to that.

Your ex was not interested in having an enthusiastic, consensual, real sexual relationship with you. For him it was about power and dominance, sex shouldn't be (isn't) like that, it's about finding things out together, I don't even want to use the phrase "expressing love" because although it is that, that's so hard to imagine when you're in the place you're at and it feels pressurising, as though if you can't do sex "properly" then you're not capable of loving your partner. That's not the case at all - it's not an expression of love, I suppose it's just a natural extension of it and real, good, proper sex does happen naturally. It's not a set of tasks you can tick off, it's the way you feel together, the way you look at each other, you want to be close to your partner and it's just an extension of that when it's allowed to grow organically. It might take a long time or a short time and it might ebb and flow and that's fine.

Hi OP. I'm male, and I have never expected oral sex in either direction. DW has a hypersensitive gag like flippyflapper so it's just not on. She made a valiant attempt in the early days to balance out my attentions, but you can't be keeping score on this sort of thing.

Basically, as long as you're both wearing big silly grins and there aren't too many dislocations it's a success.

I've only read the opening post.

You don't have to do oral if you don't want to. You have a history of abuse, but it wouldn't matter if you just didn't want to do it because you didn't like the idea. There aren't any 'must do' aspects to a relationship - you do what you and he want to, together. When you trust each other, you might try things just in case you like them - but you must have the trust first, so that you know you can stop if you want to and won't be pressured to try again.

I'm old. There are things taken as 'expected' today that were illegal well into my adult life. Anal sex, for example. It was very useful to me to be able to say to my then-husband, "Try it and you'll find yourself in court". "Be careful where you put that thing" was also quite effective. I didn't want it, I still don't. That's fine, its ok, lots of people don't. Lots of people do, and that's fine too.

You need to build up your self-esteem and self-confidence, generally, to give you strength to cope with the kind of negotiations you'll be having now you're rid of the nasty ex. Counselling is good for that. Good luck.

I don't like it.

I know that I have done it in the dim and distant past and I don't recall hating it, but I wouldn't do it now.

My exH sounds like he was the opposite and almost regardes sex as 'dirty' and wrong. He used to refer to genitals as "the horrible area". I wasn't allowed to touch him on the rare occasions we did have sex.

So I've got completely skewed ideas about it all now and find 'normal' sex difficult for very different reasons to you, but difficult never the less.

I will be quite happy to (and more than that, intend to) go through the rest of my life without having a cock in my mouth ever again. And if a man doesn't like it, then tough. He can find someone else.

I actually feel it's far more intimate than PIV sex.

I did date a man who didn't like receiving it because it made him feel powerless. He had a history of bulimia and I totally understood his worries about control. Maybe I've just been very fortunate but I have never, ever had a man pressure me to do anything that I haven't wanted to do. Any decent, sensitive man will understand, I really believe that.

The whole thing? Did he have a really teeny willy, perchance? No way could I eat a whole one

I just wanted to reassure the OP that men don't expect oral, and its not a deal-breaker. A decent man should understand. My dp doesn't like giving oral, and whilst I'd like to have it again its just one small thing in a whole life together. I enjoy giving him oral and he enjoys receiving it, but other men I've been with have not been bothered.

Op, taking the whole penis in is generally tricky, not everyone can do it, and it has to be at womans pace or she will be choking, gagging and eyes streaming. Perfectly easy for men to orgasm from oral that doesnt involve going so far, also be reassured that it seems that for most men, any oral is good oral.

I like doing it but only with my partner now. I used to do it before because I felt like I kind of had to (but was much younger).

A decent man would not want you to do anything you don't like doing.

My partner at the moment likes it but doesn't expect it and wouldn't mind if I stopped.