Is it normal to feel like this about sex?

[MatildaWhispers]

I have a history of sexual abuse (as an adult). I want to be able to have a 'normal' sexual relationship at some point, whatever that is exactly. And I am wondering if I am expecting too much, or not really understanding what 'normal' is.

Sorry if TMI, but I am not sure I will ever be able to give oral sex again, because of what my ex did. This makes me feel pretty crap, as I feel this is a pretty 'basic' thing I won't be able to do. But I am aware that I might be able to manage if I really forced myself to do it. I could probably manage to 'tune out' and distance myself from the act, though I do realise that is probably not sensible.

But it makes me wonder what 'normal' is. Do most women not actually enjoy giving it, but they do it because they love their partners? So are my feelings about this actually pretty normal?

Thanks for these replies.

I really would have thought most women who do this would have taken the whole thing into their mouth. I feel a little less weird myself to hear that actually that is tricky to do without choking. My ex really did give the impression there was something wrong with me for struggling to do that.

Also, although I do realise oral doesn't have to involve doing that, I still don't think I would be able to try a 'less invasive' kind of oral sex (sorry not sure what words to use to explain what I mean!). But I get that what posters are saying is that it doesn't matter either way, people should only do what they want to. Thanks again.

No, there was nothing wrong with you for not fitting a whole one in and I'm pretty sure most posters will agree that a man who pushes on your head and tries to make you swallow more is either very inexperienced and doesn't realise how horrible this is (usually triggers the gag reflux) or controlling and horrible.

One thing you could do is to use your hand almost entirely and just touch the very tip against your mouth. You could just kiss the end without having to put it in your mouth. Your hand will help provide reassurance that he will not go any further in than you wish. If you don't like this, then you are safe in the knowledge that you don't need to do anything you aren't comfortable with.

I think porn has normalised the whole gagging thing tbh. When I was younger men would just be grateful that you went there at all but some now seem to think it's something that all women can do and will enjoy. It's not! Actually the head of the penis is much more sensitive and is very pleasurable for men. I didn't use to enjoy giving oral but I really do now,? It's a bit like kissing for me, very arousing. But it's important to do what you are comfortable with. Any understanding man would be ok with that. And if he's not then he's not worth keeping!

Matilda dont put pressure on yourself, and sorry to people for tmi, but in this case a little knowledge will help you feel more confident about yourself. If you ever do find yourself wanting to have a go with a partner in future you can feel safer and in control by encircling the bottom half in your hand and using your mouth just on the top half, this is perfectly normal and also prevents the gagging thing as your hand is in the way so the penis cant be pushed into your throat. Also, by the way, for the first time dh recently accidentally made me make one small retching noise, he was horrified, withdrew immediately and asked if he hurt me. This is normal oral in a relationship.

Xpost with redroom

Thanks for the tip, RedRoom and Koala. I am not in the position atm of putting any pressure on myself to do any of this, but it's useful to know that using my hand like that would help me to feel more in control, if/when I get to that point in a relationship.

Matilda I think based on your past experience it's completely normal to feel the way you do. There are decent men out there who won't care, they will only want you to enjoy yourself.

I've started dating recently and having sex again, and for me personally this is one thing I have to be in complete control of. If I want to do that, then I'm in control of it or it stops
That's my personal boundary. I make that very clear

Forget about "normal" - think about what you actually like/what you're ok with (but don't necessarily get a lot out of)/what you've not tried and might be willing to try/what you don't want to do. And then negotiate from there - you are who you are, liking the particular pattern of things you like and you can discuss/negotiate this with people you're being sexual with.

There are lots of resources aimed at people who do BDSM/kink that talk about negotiation/consent which are IMO, generally applicable to all sorts of sex, whether or not it involves negotiated, consensual power exchange or particular physical activities that are less typical [I'm thinking: playing with impact toys - canes/crops etc or with needles]. These would be useful to look at for some useful bits of language for talking about sex, if nothing else [it's reasonably characteristic of people who do BDSM/kink stuff that we talk about the stuff we're going to do in advance/talk about it again afterwards]

Only do things YOU are comfortable with,enjoy & get excitement from, it's not something you need worry about, BJ's are much over rated forms of foreplay in my opinion. If you don't get high doing oral ,don't do it.

I know of at least one long term relationship (they're now married) where she has given him oral only once. She didn't enjoy it, they agreed not to do it again. He didn't make a fuss or demand or make her feel bad in the slightest, and they seem to have a perfectly happy relationship.

I don't love giving it, but my DP loves to receive it, so I do it for him. I'm happy to do it because I know he would never demand it and if I were to say I wasn't going to ever do it again he would just accept that and be absolutely fine about it.

As others have said, a decent man would be perfectly ok with you not doing it.

I also have a history of sexual abuse but as a child.

It has had an effect on my adult sex life. I also find it difficult to know what is 'normal'. I cannot stand receiving oral sex because of flashbacks to the abuse. Some men have found it difficult to believe that I don't like it and have pressured me which makes it worse. I used to give in and let them do it and 'tune out' but it is then a horrible experience that resembles the abuse. I then got called fridgid for not enjoying it

I would really recommend just saying no to things you don't like. A decent guy will be fine about it (like my lovely dh).

If he's not fine about it then ltb - it will only make you miserable in the long term, you will feel abused again.

Look at it this way, as much as you focus your attention on seeing these kind of responses in mainstream media. Have a step backwards and consider what is "not" being said by many others. I also do not like oral sex either. I think there is a thread somewhere on MN about this.

I agree with the comment about the trust thing needing to be in place. I also agree about the point that "love making" should be an expression of yourself. (Well, to me, it is so.) So yes, you should feel comfortable, and want to, rather than "expected to". You should not do anything that is expected, but because you desire to. When you shift this mindset, being so intimate with somebody is a totally different kettle of fish.

I also would prefer to practise tantric sex. It really allows you to holistically embrace your sexual self.

I think bjs come in all forms. I almost never go very deep as it makes me gag. Partner never holds my head or anything so I only go as deep as I like. He just lies back and adores it. I can't be doing with an A - Z bj, so I do it until I've had enough then he masterbates until we reach lift off and I finish him off with my mouth. Everyone's happy. And that way I'm happy to do it daily

in theory I like the idea of doing what I would want to at the time, rather than what I think would be expected of me. But I am not sure whether I would just end up feeling selfish if I didn't want to, so ending up doing it anyway but it might then feel abusive even though it wasn't. How do you know that you're not just being selfish, by just doing what you want to do (if this makes sense!)?

Yes it makes sense. Then it means that you are "not ready". And why would you push yourself when you are not ready ? It's like dating. You know you want to be with somebody but then surely you also know that not every person that you meet will make you tick the same way, right ? I am not great at this but I am fine-tuning my own intuition and senses.

Sometimes if I cannot find an answer immediately, I would ask myself what happened in the past that I learnt in order to see clearly what is happening in my immediate right now. But I try not to do it this way any more. Which is really to "think" with my head. I am trying more and more to go with my heart more. I need to feel peaceful in most of my decisions. If I feel kind of anxious, and I overthink, then this is causing me anxiety, and why should I put myself in this kind of position ?

Just like your opening post. You got a query, and you are anxious, but even if you compare yourself to others, and judge yourself to our opinions and our decisions, which decision sits best with yourself ?

Have you tried to say to yourself "I do not want oral sex ever again". Does that make you feel relieved? If it does, then this is the "right" decision ! Lol. It is that simple.

My DP is another man who is not bothered about getting oral and never pressurises me to give it to him. I thought he was unusual too but from your replies it seems he isn't alone.

My DP is another man who is not bothered about getting oral and never pressurises me to give it to him. I thought he was unusual too but from the replies you've received it seems he isn't alone.

My DH isn't that into receiving oral - I haven't done it in almost a decade and never plan on doing it again. I went down on most of my previous partners, because I thought it was what women did. I didn't enjoy doing it at all, but I found something to enjoy, I suppose, in the enthusiastic response and the idea that I was good at it. I was fresh from teenage years reading Cosmo, had lousy self-esteem and wanted to be 'good in bed'.

Then I got with now-DH. He didn't much enjoy it and I breathed what turned out to be a huge sigh of relief. Even if I was dating other people now, I like to think I'd have the confidence to only do what I was comfortable with. It was so much harder at 20 when I just wanted to be seen as good enough.

Imagine if someone was doing something for you that gave you pleasure, but they found it actively unpleasant and triggering due to past experiences. You wouldn't want them to carry on feeling awful just for your enjoyment, would you? That's because you're a decent person. There are many decent blokes out there who feel the same way.

I absolutely hate doing it, so I don't. It has never been a problem so far.

Nah my ex of 17 years wasn't bothered about BJs. I wasn't bothered about giving if he wanted one and if I did most of the time I done it without him asking. It's not a deal breaker. Don't do anything your not comfortable with

flappityfanjos Yes, I have been that person too. Reading the girly mags, but I wish I read other materials earlier on. I think I did read the karma sutra at one point. Lol.

I thought to myself, "what has gazillion people been there done that before? " The oldest sex manual out there.

I realised that some positions sit better with myself than others. Some positions are like impossible to achieve any way.

I think at the end of the day, emotional connection with the other person is also as important if not more isn't it ? I came to realise that when two people are very connected at that level, most kind of positions come out naturally, and it does not feel very forced, or that it feels very wrong. It should feel quite natural.

Matilda I would not worry too much on this. But I would encourage you to do something for yourself. Whether this is something like yoga, or whether it is taking up dancing. Because I found that, I found my own body consciousness doing these kind of hobbies. It kind of allows you to know your body so much more, and whether you enjoy something or not. It should be intuitive. Also, it is a form of co-ordination as well too.