partner has asked for a break im devastated

[michele69]

My long distance partner of 15 months has asked for a break whilst my divorce is finalised. He has been patient, kind, and understanding throughout even when i suddenly had a panic and thought i still had feelings for my husband. When we did meet i found it hard to show my feelings .. This was possibly mixture of guilt as still not divorced and awkwardness as was months between meets. He has been badly hurt in the past and i think he is trying to protect himself im sure he thinks me and husband going to get back together but he couldnt be more wrong . Ive been counting days til divorce so that i can finally be his and take our relatipnship forward .. Hes convinced ive been using him as an emotional crutch and dont love him as he does me. One of last things he said 3 days agp was i know how i feel about you but not sure how i feel about us .. Im devestated and scared this is the begining of the end i love him with all my heart did all the begging needy calls and text but not interested atm keeps telling to sort out divorce. Scared to do the no contact thing as it will be out of character and hell think im bk witj my husband .. How can i prove its him i want?

When will your divorce be finalised?

There are two likely options, either you have treated him quite badly as he sees it and he has had enough and looking to get on with his life until and unless you are properly single, the other that he is himself unsure about you and has possibly met someone else and wants to back away.

You don't give enough information to be sure. Why aren't you making plans to move to be together if you have been together that long?

When are you next due to see him?

I'm not sure you can prove anything to him tbh, if he wants a break then you can't force him to stay.

Are you in the final stages of your divorce?

Well how long til the divorce is finalised?
Is there anything you can do to speed up the process? Is there any reason for him to feel you've been dragging your heels over it.?
I think you have no choice but to respect his wishes for now. I would try and keep in text/phone contact. Keep reassuring him in a non-stalking kind of way. Send letters maybe?
Get your divorce sorted and hopefully his faith will be restored.

If I was with someone who then agonised about feelings for someone else then it would be the end. Sorry but I think it's over.

To be honest, it reads as though you have been using him as an emotional crutch to an extent.

Thought you still had feelings for your husband.
Unable to show your feelings for him due to guilt as still married.
Awkwardness at months between meets...

I'm still married. I call my stbxh my exH because in my head he is. I haven't considered getting back together with him. And I wouldn't have messed another man around if I thought I might want to. I certainly don't feel guilty about another relationships. I can understand the awkwardness but I'm wondering why you haven't made more effort to either progress your divorce or to progress things with this man regardless.

He probably feels like a bit of a mug. He's put up with a hell of a lot more than I would have done!

Keep in touch if you want to, but don't do the needy calls and texts.

Sorry but what are you supposed to do, you met when separated and are doing and have done what you can to get to a divorce settlement, I don't quite get how this makes you out as a user and not genuine....?

Saying that, the bit about you possibly still having feelings for your husband might be why he's feeling he has to protect himself and has said that.

If not that, I'd assume he's actually not that interested in a fully committed relationship with you.

Thanks everyone .. I say 15 mths we been in contact via fb as friends for first 4 mrhs before meeting as had onlt just split and didnt want to rush into anything so deffo not a rebound. We knew each other from school and it was love at first sight although i did prolong the meets at first as was little confused and scared of new relationship .. I have children with husband so visits often also as live im back of beyond ive had to rely on him for lifts om cpl occasions can now see why he felt insecure. One thing that attracted.me was his honesty i 99.9% believe hes not met anyone ive asked him outright and he got bit angry and told me he loved me and what did i take him for .. ive also told him id rather know if its over and he said he just needs.space that i should sort divorce (should be finished 3 weeks) he needs to sort stuff his end (his daughter playing up, lot of work on) and well take it from there said hopefully can meet in the middle. hes been kind and understanding not off when made my embarassing needy calls and has phoned me cpl times to see how i am but is insistant he needs space. also said its hard on him and its what hes had to do and how hes felt the last year .. im now realising how selfish ive been but im my deffence he never really complained about me swing so much of husband so thought he was fine with it .. im thinking no contact for 2 weeks then friendly positive text also bought him nice razor as was.complaining his was blunt last week was thimking sending with little note sayng .. saw this and thought of you struggling with your blunt blades do you think nice thought or perhaps needy again just want him tp know om tginking of him ..

Why not just give him the space he asks for and pursue and finalize your divorce? If you both really care for each other and want it you will be together in the end.

All sounds good then, no, give him the space he's asked you for, you can still give him the razors when you see him, I'm sure he's fully aware of how concerned and desperate you are to see him, won't do any harm to wait a couple of weeks.

Perhaps as your divorce nears completion then the reality of a proper, committed relationship with you has dawned on him. This may well throw up difficult questions of how you would meet up more regularly, that one of you may have to move to bridge the distance between you. Perhaps he feels that you need to finalise the divorce, have a period of settling down after the enormity of divorce and find out what you really want. Or perhaps he quite liked it that you were not fully available so he could be semi casual about the relationship. Things may settle down after your divorce is finalised but in all reality it doesn't sound too positive. You could send him an email saying how you feel and say that you really hope you have a future together. If he doesn't reply then I think you have to lick your wounds and try to move on.

I'd give him the space he's asked for. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't. No amount of gifts/ texts /calls will help force him .

I just think I must be getting really old. All this talk of relationships beginning on FB and going on for 4 months before meeting...

It sounds as though he does just want a bit of space to get his own shit sorted and to allow you to sort yours.

I think it's perfectly reasonable that he wants some space in the circumstances.

hes a good man and knows im suffering i just know if he knew it was over hed tell me straight, i asked him outright twice and he said just sort out ur divorce.
i thinking im convincing myself its over because of the selfish and unfeeling way ive behaved i hope the break will do us some good and love will conqueur all .. divorce will be through 2-3 weeks .. he did say cpl weeks ago i suppose ull need cpl mnths to get over divorce .. implying im going to put obstacle there more think about it i think hes done this so i know what i want and stop stringing things out ..

Seriously, give him some space, concentrate on finalising your divorce and yourself. You do sound very needy. Learn to love your own company and if he comes chasing back for you then decide if he is good enough for you.

What is so scary about being on your on?

I agree with Ragwort.

The panic in your posts is palpable. Take a deep breath and a step back. To be honest, I can't imagine why you would want another relationship with everything else that's going on.

I think he is being sensible. He is certainly being honest with you.

If you love him and he loves you, it will all be there after you have sorted out the divorce. It is a messy, emotional time and it is sensible that you focus on that.

He has the right to say ok, hang on, deal with all this first because it is just too much.

How long were you married for? I think he is being sensible. The issue with moving from one relationship to another quickly is that you still have to process the loss of your marriage - that will take time. The new relationship can potentially 'cover' up the feelings of loss as you are in the honeymoon phase so you delay rather than recover or process the loss.

When a marriage ends you may not want to be with the person but still miss the coupledom and the feelings of being with someone in a relationship. It takes time to adjust to being alone but it can be really positive.

It might be worth taking some time out, focus on yourself and read some relationship recovery books.

thanks everyone .. ive just phoned him and poured out my heart apologised for my selfish behaviour. he said hed put his barriers up as didnt think id let go not entirely sure what that meant said he loves me but not prepared to wait forever. weve agreed to meet for a coffee and talk .. so scared still not out the woods yet but i guess if we love each other we will work around our issues.would appreciate advice how to work round the meet up i know they say keep things cool but think my outpouring just now proved how i love him and that i have let go ..

Doesn't sound like love - you don't respect his feelings. Sounds like obsession.

You need to step back and spend time on yourself. You do sound very needy which is never attractive . Be careful you don't smother this new chap and lose him by doing so.

Op you ask how to work round the meet up. I don't think other people can tell you 'how to be' , you need to be yourself otherwise you are portraying a false persona which is impossible to keep up. Be yourself in order to let this chap know who you really are and let him decide if he wants to be with the real yiu .

Well aren't just loving all the drama.
Poor bloke. He's trying to extricate himself from this mess, but you're straight back in there, picking at the scab.
Please let the numbers in your name refer to a saucy practice, not your age. That would be even more tragic.