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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel upset about this - questioning a friendship.

29 replies

Wishyouwould · 27/05/2014 15:16

I left my VA and EA H 18 months ago. I have a few very close friends who have been very supportive and along with ADs and counsellor I am start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. These friends know about the abuse I was subjected to and couple of them (plus one of their DHs) have seen my EX-Hs treatment of me first hand.

My Ex-H started seeing someone I know a few months ago, let's call her C. One of my supportive friends is very good friends with a close friend of C's so they are all friends on Facebook. It's all been a bit awkward, obviously I have no hard feeling towards C but seeing my Ex-H moving on has been really painful for me to deal with ie. questioning myself, was I too sensitive? the guilt of splitting the family up, etc. My friend knows it was eating away at me and I have spoken to her about my counselling sessions. She also knows he has continued to be nasty to me up until recently.

A photo of C appeared on my Home page a few days ago as my close friend had commented on it - basically saying what a lovely photo and how gorgeous she is. My friend barely knows C, she knows how much this relationship has affected me and must also know I would see this comment. I feel really let down, I would had never done this in her shoes. Of course my friend is free to do as she pleases but the comment was so gushing it felt like a kick in the teeth tbh.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 27/05/2014 15:22

Yuck what a horrible thing to do.

But wait!

Is there any chance she was being sarcastic and you were supposed to find it funny?

Actually, along those lines, you could private message her and play the disingenuous card: "Look I expect you thought it was funny posting that insincere OTT gushing message to C and letting me see it, but actually it came across like you meant it and it has upset me and creeped me out, you know how I am feeling at the moment" and see what she says.

Original poster
Wishyouwould · 27/05/2014 15:43

Thanks Balloon

No definitely not being sarcastic as C has replied saying 'ooh do you think so?' and my friend has responded. I just feel really deflated. I don't ready to talk to my friend about it as it's just more thing to deal with. I just really thought that she had my back and her loyalty was 100% with me.

OP posts:
Laura0806 · 27/05/2014 15:51

I wouldn't bring it up with her. You don't need the stress of that too. Unfortunately, I have found out to my peril recently that very very few friends have your back 100% and that they will do / say what suits them. It doesn't mean that shes not your friend but shes not thinking about you/ your interests all the time. Thing is can we really expect people to be? I suspect she didn't really think but just said it. I doubt very much she would want ot have hurt you but this is the prob with facebook. We find out things we ordinarily wouldn't. Try not to let it get to you too much
.

Original poster
Wishyouwould · 27/05/2014 16:08

Thank you Laura Yes I'm sure you're right. She has been such a good friend to me (as have I to her) and I wouldn't know about it but for Facebook. I probably need some time off there and then I'd be blissfully unaware of this kind of thing!

OP posts:
BeyondBurma · 27/05/2014 16:13

Oh not good. I agree that she has probably not thought it through and would probably be mortified if she knew how hurt you were.

I like FB a lot but there have definitely been times when things have upset me that I may have been better off not knowing about.

Roussette · 27/05/2014 16:24

Do you think she might think that you can't see it and it doesn't come up on your feed? If so, that's even worse perhaps isn't it.

I have to say I would be really upset. She can be pleasant to C when they meet (after all, it isn't her battle as such) but she doesn't have to seek her out and compliment her all nicey nicey. Knowing what you've been through, I would be questioning the friendship to be honest. Sorry. That probably doesn't help.

PuggyMum · 27/05/2014 16:30

Can you playfully call her up on it?

'Hey I saw your comment on C's picture! You never say I look lovely / i think she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp myself...'

Then see her reaction and then decide if you need to withdraw?

Original poster
Wishyouwould · 27/05/2014 16:34

I am questioning the friendship. I spoke to my closest friend about it yesterday (they are totally separate friends) and she agreed that it was very insensitive and she wouldn't dream of doing it.

I really don't feel strong enough to bring up it at this moment in time (even in a playful way Smile) It's going to be very hard though as we have quite a few social events coming up including a weekend away.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 27/05/2014 16:36

I'm not too sure what C, let alone mutual friend, has done wrong. Surely she deserves your pity and your friend's support if anything?

Original poster
Wishyouwould · 27/05/2014 16:40

Never said C had done anything wrong Vivacia

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 27/05/2014 16:44

She doesn't know that you could see the photo.

The person whose timeline the photo is on (so probably C's) controls who can see the photo. She has set it to 'public' or 'friends of friends'.

It probably hasn't occurred to your friend that you can see it.

The best thing you can do is block C and then you will not see similar again.

PatriciaHolm · 27/05/2014 16:51

To be honest, I don't imagine she thought for one minute you would see it. C is a good friend of a friend of hers and I guess she sees no harm with sullying that relationship - C is not to blame here at all.

I can see why you might be taking it to heart, but try to forget it. It doesn't mean anything.

PatriciaHolm · 27/05/2014 16:51

I meant no point in sullying the relationship...

MostWicked · 27/05/2014 17:00

Why would your friend know that it would come up on your news feed? Are you friends with C? If you're not, then you would only see it if C's privacy settings were Friends of Friends or public. Your friend is unlikely to notice that.

If you have no hard feelings towards C, why is in insensitive for your friend to pay her a compliment? You have already said that they are close friends. I don't understand the issue with her saying something nice to her friend.

Original poster
Wishyouwould · 27/05/2014 17:02

Thanks all - really don't want to feel this way. I guess the shock of Ex-H new GF popping up all smiley and happy magnified things!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishyouwould · 27/05/2014 17:04

They are not close friends Most she barely knows her (her words)

OP posts:
BeyondBurma · 27/05/2014 17:07

OP just remember that the shiny lives we all portray on FB aren't real!! We all like to portray an image of who we would like to be.

It's horrible having feelings that you don't like but feel none the less.

isabellavine · 27/05/2014 17:07

I think people don't want to take sides when a split happens. I know how you feel, OP - my own family didn't have my back when I split with my ex, and continued to befriend and contact him very publicly despite the fact that he was abusive and having an EA! I felt really peed off with them.

However, I also saw it from another side when a friend of mine split with his wife. Several people knew that she was having an affair (not me!) but being mutual friends of both of them, they didn't want to interfere and say something. He broke off with all of them because he felt that they owed him loyalty, which I didn't think was very fair. They just didn't want to get involved in the situation.

You can't reasonably expect people to be tribal about something (though it is always deliciously nice when they ARE in your corner!)

Itsfab · 27/05/2014 17:09

I am more concerned that you think you were too sensitive to be bothered by your abusive actions than a friend thinking another woman looks nice.

Original poster
Wishyouwould · 27/05/2014 17:14

Well itsfab that's after years of being told I was too sensitive/didn't have a sense of humour/take things the wrong way when my ex told jokes at my expense. I do tend to question myself.

OP posts:
MexicanSpringtime · 27/05/2014 17:19

I can't honestly think your friend did anything wrong. I feel sorry for C if she is going to be your ex's next victim, but one thing is for your friends to support you, another one altogether is for you to expect them to cut off any contact with this perfectly innocent person.

Original poster
Wishyouwould · 27/05/2014 17:22

Thanks Isabella that must be very hard for you. My makes 'problem' seem a bit petty in the grand scheme!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishyouwould · 27/05/2014 17:25

Yes Mexican you are right! Thanks - one thing I am guilty of at times not seeing the other persons point of view.

OP posts:
cantbelievethisishppening · 27/05/2014 17:39

I suspect she may not have known you would see it.

KellyHopter · 27/05/2014 17:51

I can totally see why this has upset you, op.

I think sometimes when FB is part of the scenario being discussed then people lose track of what the actual issue is.

I imagine it's exactly the same as if
you go through a painful split,
confide in good friend that your struggling that ex has moved on (even though you know you did the right thing but you can't help but compare yourself unfavourably to this new person),
then you go to a bar with your friend and the new girlfriend happens to be there
you come back from the bathroom to see your friend approach the girlfriend (for no real reason as they don't really know each other) and your friend is telling the new gf how gorgeous she is and gushing over her dress/hair.

I can't imagine any of my friends (pretty strong, sorted women) would deal well with that or not feel hurt. I know I bloody would.