Forgiving, moving on and being happy

[MilkshakeMonkey]

I'm sure this has been discussed many times, but I need to get this out of my system (and mumsnet seemed a good place to try!)

I found out about DH affair about 6 months. I wanted it to end but with Christmas around the corner (and 2 DCs), we went to counselling and planned to split up in the new year. That time made me realise that we will always have a bond and I was prepared to try again.

Because I thought it was over, I told family and close friends what had happened.

I thought I was doing ok, then a few weeks ago we went on holiday. DCs were really hard work and DH made a comment that he was being punished, that is this a sign we shouldn't be together, we would be happier without him. I reassured him, but this planted a seed in my mind.

Ever since, I've found my self privately 'indulging' (for want of a better word) in the evidence of the affair (I have copies of the texts). It's thrown up a load of questions. I've always thought he hasn't disclosed everything (why would he?), although he denies this.

This morning he caught me crying over it. He said he just wants to move on and put this behind us. I do too but, it just doesn't seem that easy.

I found counselling useless, am on ADs and not sure how to move on.
Has anyone else felt like this after an affair. Do you ever get over it?

Why would your DH feel punished just because the kids were hard work? I don't understand that bit.

Once the trust has gone then its hard to get back. Its possible to, but both parties have to be genuinely honest & want it to work. It sounds as if your DH wants to sweep his affair under the carpet, pretend it never happened & resume your life as it was pre affair. For you, this obviously can't be done.

If you want to move forward in your relationship then you will both need to discuss the questions that you have, reading the evidence over & over again won't do that. If he doesn't want to discuss it then you can't really move forward as you will always be suspicious & the matter will never be closed.

What would happen if you sat down & said to him that to move forward you need to talk about his affair & you need answers to your questions & that having this discussion would improve your happiness & state of mind?

Maybe you need a better counseller? I don't know your personal circs, so I don't know how possible that is for you.
I tried two counsellers, the second helped me change my life. I've done all the work, and it was bloody hard, but my counseller made all the difference. Pointed things out, helped me see a different viewpoint.
Dont, really, dont keep looking at the texts. You're putting yourself through agony. Please don't do that to yourself.
Recovery is not at all easy, it's a serious wound to your heart, self-esteem, trust. Any serious wound takes time to heal. It's truly horrible, but it will take time, when you want it over , now.
Be kind to yourself, work on yourself, your self esteem, you. Not easy when you have children, but important.
I'll make no Ltb, comments. You have to go through this stuff whatever happens.
It will get better. The sun will come out again. Be brave, care for yourself, you'll get there.
X

Sorry, what does ltb mean?

I think the kids being hard work he saw as some sort of kharma for the affair.

I have said to him this morning we need to have a proper talk tonight and I will ask those questions.

He seems to sort of have a way of turning things on to me. I'm not sure how, but it will probably end up with me apologise for bringing it all up again and him being sad and worried. I wish I could word it better. Its like he becomes the victim and I'm the bad guy, does that make sense.

I feel like friends and family all judge me. And my family never respond when I talk of him (in day to day stuff). I wish I had never gone public

"DH made a comment that he was being punished, that is this a sign we shouldn't be together, we would be happier without him"

That's a very manipulative statement designed to illicit the response... which it did .... of reassurance from you that no he's not being punished, yes we should be together and no we wouldn't be happier without you. Yes he is turning things on you and making himself out to be the victim. Yes, he is trying to make you out of the bad guy.

None of these are the actions of a repentant man but a resentful and selfish man that would rather the whole thing blew over. Rather than getting angry at the way he's behaving, you're wishing you'd brushed his grubby secret under the carpet and you're going to apologise.... Why?

I think I'd rather the whole thing blew over too! But I don't think it will. So how do I respond when he says these things? I genuinely care for him, it seems my natural response when I see him hurting to re assure him.

He seems to sort of have a way of turning things on to me. I'm not sure how, but it will probably end up with me apologise for bringing it all up again and him being sad and worried. I wish I could word it better. Its like he becomes the victim and I'm the bad guy,

Milkshake I'm liking the man less & less. Yes I know exactly what you mean. He's not being sad & worried at all, he's making you feel guilty so that he doesn't have to answer your questions & this tactic makes you shut up! He's manipulating you, he is casting himself as the victim when you are the one who's been wronged. You want to discuss his infidelity, he doesn't want to so he makes you feel like shit & he upsets you so he doesn't have to face his guilt. This is a tactic that's often present in a relationship when one party is emotionally abusive to the other.

It sounds as though your family have the measure of him. ltb stands for Leave the Bastard.

I would put money on the conversation tonight ending with him being 'upset' & you still not having any answers. Hopefully it won't, but feel free to come back & tell us how it went

PS your natural response to comfort him is because you're a lovely & compassionate human being. He is manipulating that as well as he is not lovely & compassionate.

This sort of victim status from him is sickening.

Infidelity takes a lot of getting over , years , and is similar to a bereavement and produces similar symptoms. His attitude to your distress is disgusting. I think you need too really look at this victim act of his because it's often not what it seems. It's often covert emotional abuse disguised as a pity party.

Remind yourself that you have done and did nothing wrong. Remind yourself that he is still on probation, however much you care about him. Remind yourself that a family is only as good as its component parts and that there is no obligation for you to keep it together 'at any price'.

I would also reassure you that it is utterly normal, just six months after finding out about an affair, for you to still be upset and hurt. You are entitled to ask questions and, if he is truly sorry and wants to earn his place in your family, he will answer them in order to reassure and convince you.

If he starts down the manipulative path of 'this is a sign that we shouldn't be together'... call his bluff and agree with him. 'Yes, I have been thinking about the future of the relationship myself'.

It's a very tough position to be in but having an affair in the first place is an act of selfishness that requires a huge amount of disregard & disrespect towards a partner. If you don't toughen up now he's going to add contempt to that disrespect. And then it's only a matter of time before he's back to his old tricks.

What Cognito said.

He is the one who should be doing all the hard work and taking a long hard look at himself to understand what was in him that made him think betraying you was ok and then working on his failings.

Instead he is turning it round to make you responsible for his selfish actions.

The problem with sweeping things under the carpet is that he does not get to deal with the consequences, that he does not make the changes he need to make and you don't get to recover as well as possible. I am afraid he will cheat again - after all he got away with it last time without suffering too much...

Has he actually paid for what he's done? When I found out about my ex he moved out (he didn't want me then). I dealt with what happened and through an amazing counsellor who was my rock and my own hard work I learnt to forgive what happened and trust that it was not my fault.

He dug his head in the sand and never sought help.

Now a year on I'm in such a better place and I'm glad we never went straight in to rebuilding our marriage as it would have been a mistake - he would never have really known what it's like to not have me, his wife, in his life.

Now I'm progressing with dating etc, he tells me that he wants me back and will do anything for us to get back together. But now I'm
Not sure.

I would suggest some time apart. You need know how you might feel. You might not want to try at a marriage where he hurt you.

We did take time out after working through Christmas. I think he has 'paid', with the separation (a month) and watching me go through it.

I don't feel I need to hurt him or make him pay. I just want to be able to move on and stop the hurt. I dint want to split up.

Sorry but the nerve of the man, you really need to give it to him straight, it's him who is in the wrong, it's him who should be making it up to you, you have nothing to repent about, it's HIM!

Sorry but his wanting to brush it under the carpet is just not enough, you do know you'll never be able to trust him again don't you?

Its not about making him pay but he does need to be the one helping you move on and helping resolve the hurt - this means be prepared to answer questions, discuss the affair, being open and honest, looking at making changes to his character flaws, addressing his boundaries etc.

" I just want to be able to move on and stop the hurt"

OP he is the hurt. He is hurting you. He is dismissing your feelings and making this all about him. Blaming you, turning it around on you and making you out to be the bad guy.

He is the hurt

I don't think you've really given yourself enough time. At all. YOu can't just switch it off and pretend it's not happened and if he wants you too - well hello, life isnt like that. He sent a tornado spinning through the house of your marriage, the walls came tumbling down and it takes more than a few months to repair foundations and house.

As for 'him feeling punished by the kids' bad behaviour'- that's to do with the kids, not him, and feeling that it's a punishment for him is pretty immature I'm afraid. Life isnt that easy

He can punish himself if he wants to, but it ain't the kids' doing. its not a matter of him breaking the rules, being punished and everything going back to normal. He sent the tornado through the house, there's no punishment as such, but you have to rebuild it together which means you both genuinely being honest to what you feel. I got the feeling you're burying a lot of stuff.

Or is he actually secretly wanting to leave? :s

Why would he want to leave when he's got carte blanche to behave as he likes, blame the victim, dodge the responsibility and there are no come-backs? Sounds like a cushy deal...

Milkshake - my dh had an affair. I too have all the 'evidence' - over 800 pretty explicit emails. How did I forgive, move on, be happy? Here are some of the things we did:

• I took time away to really decide whether I wanted to be with him. It took a lot of soul searching but I realised I did but I couldn't have a happy marriage with him if I constantly punished him for what he did. I had to forgive him because it allowed me to stop being so angry. I explained at length to him that forgiving DOES NOT equal condoning. He got that.

• We went to joint and individual counselling. We both read a lot of books and blogs about what to expect to feel and how to deal with it

• We talked a lot. Nightly for the first few months (it was emotionally exhausting - like constantly ripping the scab off a healing sore, but we had to get the puss out first.) We talk less frequently about it now as I believe most of that nasty stuff is out. My dh went through a phase of looking angry/upset if I brought it up. But after going through the joint counselling he realised that no matter how uncomfortable it is for him to relive it, if I need to discuss something or ask something, he has to be willing to do it and he has to be open and honest. He cannot and does not say things like: 'I just don't want to talk about it'. or 'I've told you everything'. He put you through a lot of pain. He needs to man up and feel some of that pain himself if you need to talk about it.

• My DH is genuinely remorseful. I can literally see the pain in his eyes when he knows that I am upset. He sometimes just holds me and whispers 'I'm sorry' or asks what he can do to make me feel better

• He tells me all the time what he loves about me. He treats me. He makes me feel special. He calls home and texts me more often. He writes me love letters.

• He didn't just apologise to me. He apologised to my parents and my friends who had to pick up the pieces. He also spoke to each of his close friends and told them what he had done. He was basically asking forgiveness from everyone.

In short, we decided that we want to remain together and to be happier than we were before. We are both committed to that and are completely open, honest and communicative. For you to 'forgive, move on and be happy' you need to sit down with your DH and tell him where you are at, that he needs to accept that it will take you a long time to get over it but that you are committed to working it out - as long as he shows the same level of commitment.

Now that PTF, is a fantastic reply!

Thank you PTF for the helpful advice.

I hope to give you all a positive update tomorrow x

Best of luck Milkshake. I also felt at times that I needed to comfort and reassure my husband - I'm his wife, that has always been my role. But when he did what he did, I had to step away and put me first. That's what you need to do. And if he is truly sorry and wanting to fix your marriage, he has to be willing to let you do that. And if that means talking about stuff that makes him uncomfortable, he has to accept that. I don't know where you are based but we used this fmy.org.uk/relationships/support/couples-in-crisis - Couples in Crisis counselling which was absolutely superb. I don't know if it is offered all over the country or just local to where I am, but it worked because we got teamed up with another couple who had been through the same experience and come out the other side. Both husband and wife could explain what they went through and gave us communications techniques to work through our challenges. It made a HUGE impact on my husband as he finally understood what he needed to do to make it right.

PTF how long did you split for and how long was your DHs affair for?

DH's affair lasted five months. We didn't actually split. I just went to stay at a friend for a few weekends so that I was with the kids during the week and he was with them at the weekend, and then went home to my parents for a while (only a week but I had to get back to the kids). But it was enough space for me to think and for him to realise that he might lose everything

Sorry only just updating, had a busy day with the kids.

last night was a bit of a non starter as ds was poorly. But dh has organised babysitter for Sunday so we can go out for lunch as a couple, which for him to do off hisown bback is good.
I'm thinking I need some individual counselling. Wish I was near you PTF that looks great. Will investigate if anything similar near me

Had a row Saturday night (which I started after having a drink). Because I had a drink it's a bit vague, but I know I said I hurt, that I know he still hadn't told the truth.

We still went out yesterday, but it was like going out with a sulky teenager. He said he was down and I had to keep asking questions to try and get anywhere (why do you feel down? How long have you felt like this? What would you like to do about it? Etc). Then him throwing in the occasional "I think you'd be better off without me"

He seemed ok first thing then I mentioned I was having lunch with a friend (who he doesnt like because she is gay) and the sulk started again! Friend has just had big operation and have no interest in "swapping teams" , so I feel this is unreasonable, right.

Im pissed at him after all this time, all him begging to stay when I wanted him gone.

If he says "i think you'd be better off without me", at this point the only reasonable answer is "You're right".