Forgiving, moving on and being happy

[MilkshakeMonkey]

I'm sure this has been discussed many times, but I need to get this out of my system (and mumsnet seemed a good place to try!)

I found out about DH affair about 6 months. I wanted it to end but with Christmas around the corner (and 2 DCs), we went to counselling and planned to split up in the new year. That time made me realise that we will always have a bond and I was prepared to try again.

Because I thought it was over, I told family and close friends what had happened.

I thought I was doing ok, then a few weeks ago we went on holiday. DCs were really hard work and DH made a comment that he was being punished, that is this a sign we shouldn't be together, we would be happier without him. I reassured him, but this planted a seed in my mind.

Ever since, I've found my self privately 'indulging' (for want of a better word) in the evidence of the affair (I have copies of the texts). It's thrown up a load of questions. I've always thought he hasn't disclosed everything (why would he?), although he denies this.

This morning he caught me crying over it. He said he just wants to move on and put this behind us. I do too but, it just doesn't seem that easy.

I found counselling useless, am on ADs and not sure how to move on.
Has anyone else felt like this after an affair. Do you ever get over it?

Really?
I mean I get why that could be my answer, but I have come so far since finding out.

I feel so

You almost certainly have come a long way. Any big change in life takes time to come to terms with and the end of a relationship is really no different. Initially it's a big shock, big adrenaline-filled reaction and it's tough to know what to do for the best. So a lot of people end up plumping for the status quo, rationalising the heck out of it, ticking off the counselling, grabbing onto expressions of remorse or love for dear life, telling themselves that they have moved on successfully.....

It takes a few months for that adrenaline to wear off & then you get time to properly think and observe and - for the first time - really 'feel'. I think that's where you are now. I don't think you like what you settled for one, and I'd also suggest that you don't like the person you are when you're with him.

I'll tell you straight that I don't like the way your husband turns things back on you, I think that he is worming out of things and making you the bad guy. That shows neither respect for you nor any genuine taking of responsiblity. He's being the sulky teen, as you put it.

You have come a long way, but there seem few signs that he has. you want to work at this relationship, but are you really sure he does?

"I think you're better off without me" sounds pretty much like a manipulative bluff, when it comes from someone who has had an affair and simply wants to brush it unde the carpet and forget it and sulks when you don't behave the way he wants.

What would happen if you called it?

I found individual therapy incredibly useful. LTB stands for Leave the Bastard...I'd recommend it - it certainly worked for me...but obv not everyone wants to choose that option.

I almost feel so exhausted with it all that I could call it

Sadly, if I'm really honest, I think he'd still turn it so I'm the bad guy. I think there would be "you don't love me" type stuff.

Can you get him to move out for a few days so you can get some space/time to think? Also therapy is great because you get to say whatever you want without judgement in return. IMO the standard advice to 'keep talking, keep communication lines open' etc is not useful in this situation when you need to think clearly without him being around. You are not the 'bad guy'...it is reasonable to want to know what's happened and to have some answers. It doesn't sound though like he's going to tell you everything though. In response to the 'you don't love me' type comments you could point out that your love is not completely unconditional. If your brain is fried though I'd just push for a few days to yourself to think things through. It doesn't close off any options for you.

I think you need some counselling Milkshake. I am so sorry for what you have had to go through.

In the meantime, could you write him a letter or email? Getting your feels across in writing whilst uninterrupted by him may help.

A few days to think for yourself sounds a really good idea. Its amazing how time away can clear the head.

Yes and he sounds like the type of guy that feels entitled to have an affair because his kids are hard work and he deserves one.
He is selfish and unrepentant when he should be doing EVERYTHING in his power to comfort you and that comment about the children doesn't bode well IMO.
Maybe your friends and family suspect he will do it again and I'm sorry I don't blame them.