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Relationships

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Original poster

New man revealed he is infertile

42 replies

DorothyDolores · 27/05/2014 09:06

I'm just trying to process this and work out what I think about it and I am hoping for different perspectives.

It's very early days into a new relationship, we are both divorcees with a daughter each the same age. Nothing serious like introductions have taken place and won't for a long time.

We met six weeks ago, it has been really lovely, very easy, no games. We have really good fun and the sex which started about two weeks ago has been fantastic. There is a lot of chemistry.

Obviously I don't love him yet, but I think I could fall for him quite easily. I get that butterfly feeling, which I can't remember feeling since I was a teenager. He treats me really well so far and just seems very lovely.

During a conversation about contraception (I had been ill for a few days and was concerned about the effectiveness of my pill) he told me he is infertile and his daughter was conceived after three courses of IVF.

I definitely want more children. I have spoken to a couple of close friends in RL and I was quite surprised the consensus was to get out now before I get in too deep.

Obviously it's too soon for any big decisions to be made and I also feel it's too soon to initiate any deep serious conversation. but I really like him, I don't want to get out.

How big a deal is this? I know nothing about IVF or the implications if this were to go all the way? Although I know we could very well split in the near future for something completely unrelated anyway.

WWYD?

OP posts:

DefiniteMaybe · 27/05/2014 09:09

If you want children and he can't you do need to gwt out before you get in too deep.
IVF is expensive and emotionally hard and doesn't always work.

WaitingForMe · 27/05/2014 09:14

I'd end it in your situation.

DocDaneeka · 27/05/2014 09:18

Get out now if you want another child.

I think in your situation you would have to pay for ivf, given you already have children.

Also, if you weren't using condoms I'd get an sti check. Sti's can cause infertility in both males and females.

Original poster

DorothyDolores · 27/05/2014 09:21

Thanks Doc STILL checks done before we had sex (something I insisted on). Should have mentioned that in the OP.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 27/05/2014 09:22

If you take on a relationship where you know your partner is infertile you have to accept that there will probably be no more babies. You don't know if he would even want any more ivf.

I know it's a bit early but you probably should have this conversation with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 09:23

You'll like this one.... I met a bloke and we had a very similar conversation. He had a DS already but only after extensive IVF, the strain of which had helped put the mockers on his marriage. I reminded him of this a few months later when I found myself unexpectedly (to put it mildly) pregnant. :)

Original poster

DorothyDolores · 27/05/2014 09:25

I do really want to have a conversation about it but I am really conscious of the fact it is very early. I would like more children but actually for a long time I have wanted to foster or adopt. To me, this would be equally as fulfilling but it's such a serious subject for six weeks in.

OP posts:

Original poster

DorothyDolores · 27/05/2014 09:26

Wow cog! Definitely the story I needed to hear to keep me vigilant in taking the pill.

OP posts:

Oriunda · 27/05/2014 09:29

If you don't love him yet, then leave now. If you'd said you love him then I would say it all depends what is stronger, your love for him or your desire for children.

DH and I knew before we married that we'd need ivf but we loved each other more than the desire for children. It took us 6 yrs of heartache, miscarriages and ivf but we finally had our DS.

eurochick · 27/05/2014 09:34

I'm a bit shocked at the people saying get out now, tbh. He is clearly not infertile - he has a daughter. He just needs assistance to have children (probably - as cog's story shows, with sperm, it only takes one!). The question is whether you would be prepared to go through assisted conception if it came to it (and whether he would want to do it all again).

It is a conversation you need to have, but it can wait a bit. In the meantime, why don't you look into what IVF would mean for you if you needed it?

Andcake · 27/05/2014 09:35

Hmm if you had said you have no children but would like them I would have said get out now. But if you would consider more children and could either afford ivf or would consider adoption stay. Also I think consider your age - if you are close to 35 etc also and I am not sure how to phrase this - it might depend on how often you manage to meet someone new you like and can see a future with.
I'd take it slowly - in a few weeks have a chat. Find out more about the infertility issues when the conversation is right - did he have 'low sperm count' etc - ivf did eventually work for them and infertility can be a mixture of male or female infertility!

InvaderZim · 27/05/2014 09:38

You can always use donor sperm and go for IUI which is much less costly and invasive than IVF. What is more important to you - the relationship, or the man you are I with being the genetic father of his children?

meditrina · 27/05/2014 09:40

Do remember to go back for the second round of STI testing - the all clear at initial tests is good, but the retest at 3 months on is just as important.

Can you find out exactly what the fertility issues were?

traviata · 27/05/2014 09:40

I don't see where OP has said this man does not want more children. That is the 'stay or go' question, isn't it? Does he want a child, or is he open to the possibility?

If OP does want children, and her partner agrees, they may have to look at other ways of achieving that. I can't see that as being the reason to end a relationship with a lovely man if it is good in all other ways.

meditrina · 27/05/2014 09:42

Oh, and does he actually want more DC? That's as, if not more, important as whether you can face the journey of assisted conception with someone.

Original poster

DorothyDolores · 27/05/2014 09:47

Thanks all for the replies. We haven't had any real deep and meaningfuls about the future, it is very early days. But we have talked about how much we like each other. I'm not very good at those conversations to be honest, he seems better at it then me. He has said though that he does want to "settle down again and have more children"

He described the issues that led to the IVF loosely as "there just aren't any that would work, and even if one out the millions did, it would be too lazy to swim".

We spoke briefly about the impact on his marriage but that is pretty much all I know.

I think I'll have to broach the subject again

OP posts:

MyPrettyToes · 27/05/2014 10:35

Walk away now, I do not think you are compatible. Your desire for more children is almost tangible in your posts.

I say this as I was in the position of your boyfriend. After a few weeks of dating I told my then boyfriend that specialist after specialist had told me I could not have children without assistance (even that would probably be a shot in the dark). I would have totally understood if he walked but luckily for me he saw the possibility of a wonderful life with me even without children. As it happens we fell in love but when he proposed to me a few years later I declined as I realised what a wonderful father he would have made and hated that I was going to 'deny' him that. His response was to tell me 'I want to marry you because I love you, not your uterus'. Thank God and we were married. 3 months later I discovered I was pregnant. We have more DC but unfortunately conception was not as easy as with DC1 but we managed it. I still feel guilty sometimes because it has been so hard but I am so thankful that he never pressured me, he love me unconditionally and I know that even without DC our lives would have been still great.

OP, what I am trying to say is that if you want more children so much then let him go now to avoid heartache for both of you later. There are women out who would love him for who he is and if more children came along then that would be a bonus. You too will find someone who want children as much as you do.

livingzuid · 27/05/2014 11:00

I'm with eurochick. There are other options. This guy was honest enough to be upfront with you right away which for me says a lot about the kind of guy he is. It's not impossible to get pregnant with IVF, that has been proven. Improved treatments are now out there. And then there are other options available these days, such as sperm donors or adopt.

You could leave, wait around for the right guy to appear and that might take forever. By which time you could be in your 40s. He too might be infertile. You might have unexplained infertility or problems getting pregnant again. And so on. There are so many variables. And no crystal ball.

Or you can look at what you have right here, right now, which is a guy you are really interested in and who seems decent and kind and good with your dd and someone you see a future with. What is more important, the real life man and prospect of a sound, loving long term relationship or the fuzzy concept of having another child which might or might not happen and no idea who with?

My friend had cancer in her early 20s. After two relapses thank heavens it finally went away. She was told she was infertile. She was always very upfront about it with partners and in the main they decided not to stay with her because of the child issue. She was quite hard understandably as a result. When she eventually met the right man within two weeks of meeting and told him, his reaction was that he'd rather take the chance of a life with her and no kids than leave the relationship on the off chance that he'd meet someone better. He said there were lots of different options for them to try if natural conception was not going to happen.

They got married and guess what, she gave birth to a baby boy last month. Which was a massive shock to her to get pregnant but a wonderful one :)

You can only do what you feel is right for you and definitely talking to him about it further will help you clarify what you feel is best for you and your dd going forward.

skyeskyeskye · 27/05/2014 12:00

I was 30 and childless when I met XH. When he proposed 3 years later, he reminded me that he had been told he would only get somebody pregnant with IVF. I told him that I would rather be with him without a child, than find somebody else just to have a child with.

As it turned out, we unexpectedly got pregnant with DD 2 years later.

I think the main point is, as others have said, is does he actually want children, is he prepared to go through IVF again, are you prepared to go through IVF. Difficult questions to answer when you have such a short relationship so far, so talking about it is the only way to move forward.

Chachah · 27/05/2014 13:12

I think the more important question is, would he be happy to have more children, or not?

If he's open to the idea, and you're both open to the idea of adoption, then I don't see it as a deal-breaker at all.

PoirotsMoustache · 27/05/2014 15:31

I agree with those saying have the conversation with him and see what your other options are. If you like him enough already that you can see yourself falling in love with him, then you will forever kick yourself for walking away so early without finding out what might be possible.

LynetteScavo · 27/05/2014 15:37

You need to check if he wants any more children or not.

For me this is a first date question. But then I was probably quite scary on first dates. Luckily DH survived.

Paq · 27/05/2014 15:41

How old are you? That is a key to IVF success rates.

I married my DH knowing we would need ICSI (a form of IVF) but (a) children weren't a deal breaker for me and (b) I really, really loved him.

There is no guarantee that you will meet someone who wants and can have children. My view is that if you are meant to be together you will find a way through.

Paq · 27/05/2014 15:42

PS - we had ICSI, it worked first time and we have a DD. Fertility treatment was a bit of a battle but nothing we couldn't cope with. Although we did have to pay for it ourselves as DH had children from his first marriage. It cost about 6,000.

Kendodd · 27/05/2014 15:55

I would stay.

I think a good man is hard to come by though and don't fall in love easily. How old are you and do you have the money for IVF?

Also I think doctors are too pessimistic sometimes. I personally know six couples who have had children naturally after being told that they had a less than 1% chance of having children. All have given up trying for a baby after many many heartbreaking years though, so it's not like it was easy for them. One couple now have two children another have three.

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