New man revealed he is infertile

[DorothyDolores]

I'm just trying to process this and work out what I think about it and I am hoping for different perspectives.

It's very early days into a new relationship, we are both divorcees with a daughter each the same age. Nothing serious like introductions have taken place and won't for a long time.

We met six weeks ago, it has been really lovely, very easy, no games. We have really good fun and the sex which started about two weeks ago has been fantastic. There is a lot of chemistry.

Obviously I don't love him yet, but I think I could fall for him quite easily. I get that butterfly feeling, which I can't remember feeling since I was a teenager. He treats me really well so far and just seems very lovely.

During a conversation about contraception (I had been ill for a few days and was concerned about the effectiveness of my pill) he told me he is infertile and his daughter was conceived after three courses of IVF.

I definitely want more children. I have spoken to a couple of close friends in RL and I was quite surprised the consensus was to get out now before I get in too deep.

Obviously it's too soon for any big decisions to be made and I also feel it's too soon to initiate any deep serious conversation. but I really like him, I don't want to get out.

How big a deal is this? I know nothing about IVF or the implications if this were to go all the way? Although I know we could very well split in the near future for something completely unrelated anyway.

WWYD?

I'm with euro and livingzuid. You could leave him and not meet anyone else who wanted more children, or meet someone you then struggled to conceive with. IVF has worked once with him; it could work again. Or you could go the donor sperm or adoption route.

If you feel you have something good with him, hold on to it and approach the other issues when the time comes.

Thank you everybody for the food for thought thanks

To be honest, I prefer the answers which suggest I don't walk away. I've never been in the early stages of a relationship where it just feels so easy and I really do think I've found someone good, who knows what will happen.

To answer questions, I've just turned 32 so I don't know if that is too old to maybe considering IVF in a few years?

although we haven't spoken at length about wanting children, he did mention on the first date he would like more in the future.

I do want more children myself, but after my split with my x 18 months ago I did accept that that may never happen because I knew there was a possibility I wouldn't meet anyone else, let alone meet someone who wanted and could have children.

I think if I loved someone enough to want a child with them, I'd love them enough to try treatment or accept it wasn't a possibility.

I was supposed to send flowers then! Not just repeat thanks in bold letters!

Good luck dolores :) Some chances are well worth taking.

32 is very young in fertility terms still and if you pay you can have IVF whenever you want. There are all sorts of things you can do with treatment in the UK or in Europe.

Perhaps once you know more about his problem you could visit the conception boards on mn and get more advice. There is a very good IVF thread too which is full of useful info and support from women in a similar position.

I'd stay, sounds like you have something special, but have that serious chat sooner rather than later to determine if you are on the same page with having, or not having more children, before it gets too serious, given the potential difficulties you may face in trying to have more children.

Sounds like he'd be willing to go through IVF again (given he would like more children, and knows he has problems conceiving naturally) so you need to educate yourself a bit more on what IVF involves etc and decide it it's for you; it's not for everyone. Otherwise, if adoption/fostering is for you, you need to see where his feelings lie with it. If you have differing opinions, you would have to make sure you both could live comfortably with the decision not to have more children if you stay together. Trust me, speaking from experience differing opinions just on having children full stop (or how far you go to try having children) can cause massive issues, no matter how much you love each other and what position you are in-you know about his sub fertility now so can mull things over a bit, most people don't know until they hit problems trying and thus haven't always spoken about what they would want to do if having children naturally isn't an option. I would hate for anyone to find themselves in my position of being unsure if we can stay together as a result of not discussing things properly early on in the relationship (we we're both so young and having children was the last thing on both our minds anyway and back then, potential infertility on top of that never even crossed our minds) while you have the opportunity.

Good luck :-)

Ah thanks, such good advice. and I definitely should talk to him about it.

I am really rubbish at these kind of conversations. I have no idea how to broach it without sounding like I have already mapped out a future with him and making him run for the hills...

Any more advice on how to do this would be greatly appreciated

DH told me from the start he didn't want his own genetic children due to an inherited disease. We had DS after IVF with donor sperm. Just another option.

dolores just be honest and upfront about it. He sounds like a sensible person and if he knows he has a fertility issue he should be understanding that any woman he dated would have more questions. It's not about him being scared off, just about trying to understand it better. I don't see the harm in saying something like 'I'm not trying to plan our future babies but I would like to understand what the problem was and your opinion on having kids be it by IVF or adoption in any relationship.' it is a fair question.

You also have plenty of time if you wanted to leave it a couple more months to see how things go.

My DH tried for years with two partners (he was married the first time quite young). He went through three rounds of (unsucessful) ICSI with his last ex.

The second time we had sex, the condom broke. He told me there was no real point in getting the morning after pill since he didn't reckon he could get me pregnant because apparently his swimmers were crap (they all had two heads and swam doggy paddle backwards) and he was the reason they had to go through ISCI. I took the morning after pill anyway (since I barely knew him at this point!) Which didn't work and I got pregnant. (although it ended in miscarriage)

We had unprotected sex on three further occasions after that and I got pregnant each time.

I appreciate your concerns, I'm not sure how I would have felt if I hadn't got pregnant the first time around and I thought that I was with a man who couldn't get me pregnant. Especially at such an early stage of the relationship when you're less emotionally attached than if you'd found out several years down the line. But it doesn't mean that it won't happen for you.

If everything else in the relationship is really good I'd stay and this is coming from someone who loves children.

There are several avenues you could go down. Sperm donation / adoption / surrogacy - as long as he goes for it. Question is if he wants anymore children. If he does and is willing to do one of these then you should definitely see how things go.

Things work out when you want them to, if you are both coming from the same page.

My now dh told me on our first date that he had been left infertile after chemo. We had a long chat about it a few dates later and he told me he was keen to have a family and that he was willing to do whatever it takes for that to happen. Seven years later we have two gorgeous (adopted) children.

Tbh, I knew from the start he was something special and as I always say, it took me 26 years to find somebody I wanted to have a family with, I wasn't going to give up on him on the off chance I might find someone else who can give me biological children.

IVF is expensive, and can be hard going - though I personally physically found it a breeze.
Might be worth noting that IVF for male factor can be a lot more successful than female. There are less variables - as long as there are SOME good sperm, they can get then from the sample. That's easier than trying to get a good egg from someone with poor eggs.

With time, money and inclination, IVF will almost certainly work. But you should base your decision on worst case scenario - no more children.

I married my DH knowing he was infertile.

Upstairs asleep are our DS and DD - brought into our family via adoption.

I honestly couldn't be happier - for me, meeting the right partner was more important than children (when I met him) and he was right for me. The rest (children) just fell into place.

Same as others. I married my infertile DH after his marriage had broken down due to stress caused by infertility.

A month after ditching contraception I was pregnant and the same after deciding for no2. You just don't know! It does happen!

I agree with the PP who said that good men are not that easy to come by!

It's early days & you already know that you'd both like more children which is half the story.

FWIW my friend & her DH both had fertility issues. They tried for 2.5 years before starting investigations and within 12 months she was pregnant after their first attempt at IUI which has a pretty low success rate on the whole. She had a healthy DS last year at 38.

I wouldn't elk away from this man if you have feelings alreadym chemistry, between you two children and the possibility he could have more ( albeit with assistance )

Talk to him but don't walk way from this just yet.

I met DP at 26, I had 1 daughter and was working madly on building my career. He would not have pursued the relationship if I did not want more children - kids were a deal breaker for him. We have 3 sons together and he is a wonderful father and step father

The key point is not the fact you might need help but his willingness to have a bigger family. If he does not want more then you walk away. If he does, as long as you are open minded it can still work.