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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible realisation

29 replies

C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 06:00

Yesterday I went out for lunch with one of my daughters and then a drink with my sister. My sister was meant to be at the lunch but she was 2 hours late. 2 hours.

On my walk home, obv later than planned, I saw a man walking towards me. I crossed the road to avoid him, he was scowling and looked aggressive. I looked back and realised it was my husband. For some reason, I saw him through new eyes.

I am in shock, I have drunk too much, I have shouted at said daughter on the phone because I have to lend her another £1000 which I don't have and I have told my husband I hate him.

This is what a breakdown looks like and I am watching it from the other side of the road.

OP posts:
Roshbegosh · 27/05/2014 06:12

It might not look so dramatic when you sober up and get some sleep. If you don't have £1000 then you can't lend it to your daughter and you can just apologise to your DH.

Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 06:27

I have sobered up and got some sleep. The horrible realisation has come with the morning. I have apparently turned into Maleficent.

OP posts:
Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 06:31

I am a kind, friendly person. Strangers on the street ask me for information and directions as they can see I will be helpful and kind.

My rage is getting out of control.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 27/05/2014 06:33

What are you raging at? Do you know?

Roshbegosh · 27/05/2014 06:36

People that are always smiley often do have the rage underneath IME.
Maybe it is time to be clear in your communication with people, and risk saying no to your DD.

Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 06:43

I think my rage is a bit of 'no more mister nice guy'. Less of the Axminster and more of the axe.

OP posts:
Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 06:45

Doctors appt next week and I can ask for rage reducing assistance. I really, really don't like this.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 27/05/2014 07:04

Can you focus less on the rage, and more on what you're raging at? What's this 'got to lend my daughter another £1000' about? Does your husband's scowling aggressive demeanour reflect what you live with?

The rage might be trying to tell you something!

Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 07:09

My rage is out of all sensible proportion. I am not an angry person normally and it's frightening.

OP posts:
Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 07:13

Time to get up and go to work. If I lose it there, then I'm in real trouble.

OP posts:
matildasquared · 27/05/2014 07:17

I'm sorry you're struggling, Cordelia. You're doing well reaching out for help like this.

Don't ignore the rage, I am certain it is telling you something.

Lay off the alcohol too.

Donki · 27/05/2014 07:20

How old are you?
Could it be menopause related?
I had the most dreadful hormonal rages - HRT really helped.

Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 07:23

I know that I am medicating with alcohol, I recognise the signs. Still, counsellor tomorrow and doc soon. Keep passing the open windows and control the rage.

OP posts:
Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 07:23

55

OP posts:
Donki · 27/05/2014 07:50

Are you menopausal or are you past that stage?

Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 08:00

Donki, haven't had a period in years. I have Hashimoto's so wondering if the thyroxine tablets need upping. The doc reduced the dose about 6 months ago due to blood tests but I'm beginning to think that was a mistake. If I'm not shouting, I'm asleep or crying. I can't believe my behaviour yesterday, just insane.

OP posts:
Donki · 27/05/2014 13:27

I would say definitely go to see the doctor.
And avoid alcohol! It is a depressant and can make depression type symptoms worse (although so, so tempting)

What else could you do to improve mood?
Is there any exercise you enjoy?
Gardening?
Mindfulness?
Friends you could go for a walk with - or walk to and have a cup of tea?

Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 14:01

I would like friends, full stop! I have no friends who live in walking distance. I drive an hour to work, work all day and drive an hour home.

My husband doesn't like anything social and barely leaves the house, he admits that he is happy with his own company. I would like to go to the cinema, go to concerts or simply go for a walk with someone.

I used to go to things by myself but now feel very lonely in a crowd of everyone having fun. That dot is the size of my circle of friends> .

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/05/2014 14:32

I don't know much about Hashimoto's but believe it causes mood swings and can mimic menopausal symptoms, I would try and get an earlier appointment even if you have to cry down the phone.

springydaffs · 27/05/2014 14:57

If this rage is new to you then do get to the GP, who will check you out physically first before addressing anything else. I've been scowering your OP to try to find what was so awful but I can't see it.

Original poster
C0rdelia · 27/05/2014 15:22

What was awful was shouting at my lovely, lovely daughter on the phone and then my screaming at my husband. I hate shouting.

I know that I'm entering the depths because I left the house to drink in a pub, just to feel people around me and to start conversations.

You know the mad old lady in the film, 'Donnie Darko'? That's me, that is.

OP posts:
Donki · 27/05/2014 17:35

Are there any U3A things you could get to?
Evening classes you would like to do?
Sing in a choir?
Take up bell ringing at the local church?
(Don't laugh - that's what I'm doing)

Activities that mean you interact with other peope whilst you do them so that you don't feel so alone and have more chance to make friends...

Roshbegosh · 27/05/2014 20:58

You sound like you have a great sense of humour OP. I would like you.

Adayinthelifeof · 27/05/2014 21:56

My ex wife has Hashimoto's/Addison's........ The thyroxine and cortisol she was talking gave her huge mood swings. She would sometimes get violent and has hit me a few times and gone through some crazy fits of rage. She was depressed and had a real negative, defeatist type of attitude. In the end it wore me down to a point where I had to separate from her. When she was herself she was a lovely person but the in balance of hormones made her very difficult to live with. Her moods were all over the place. She also turned to drink to sort her problems which made her worse.

The NHS tend to put people like you on synthetic thyroxine which is cheap, man-made rubbish. Do some googling and have a look into Armour
Thyroid. This is the most natural form as it's taken from an animals thyroid gland and is nearest to the human form. It contains T3 and T4 and is much better for you. You'll have to pay for it but you'll likely find you'll feel much better on it.

Look up a guy called Dr Peatfield. Also google a site called 'stop the thyroid madness' as it explains the way the NHS wrongly treat people with thyroid problems and palm them off with cheap, synthesised drugs so that the pharmaceutical companies can make billions of dollars.

It's likely your range is caused by your medication/illness. I've seen this exact thing for the past 10 years.

Adayinthelifeof · 27/05/2014 21:58

Progesterone great can help too. It send you a bit wappy at first but your body gets used to it.

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