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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't cope with this.

38 replies

Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 17:48

I've posted before about the situation with dp. Stupidly we tried to sort things out and I thought he'd sorted his issues. Everything was brilliant, then one silly row on Friday and he's gone.

He says he loves me and always will but doesn't want this anymore. I'm so low, I don't think I can carry on. I've been a useless mum today. Just layed on the sofa. Ds has now gone to his dad's and I'm a mess.

I can't cope with this, I want my life back. I don't want to be here anymore. I just needed to get this out.

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 26/05/2014 17:54

berry believe me when I say that so so many of us have been where your are right now, and we've all come out the other side stronger and wiser.
You don't give enough specific info for me to help more, but have faith and courage. Useless mum? 100% of all mums have felt exactly the same at some or many times

Original poster
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 18:19

He's a drug addict and drinks a lot but had started to change all of that. I thought it was getting better, we had a lovely week last week. Really relaxed. Then Friday descended into another row because he was drunk.

We met for an hour yesterday to talk and he refuses to even go back to dating and see what happens. It's all my fault for leaving mid argument. I left because he grabbed me by the throat.

I know we're not right for each other but I thought he'd change and things were getting better. How can you go from being so wonderful to this. He called me this morning to re tell me that we're over for good but he loves me more than anything and doesn't want anyone else. It's cruel.

I'm such a mess at the moment, I feel rock bottom a, lonely and distraught. I've tried calling anyone and everyone to get me out of the house but they're all busy. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
onbehalfof · 26/05/2014 18:41

Phone al anon.
Sounds like their area of expertise.

whereisshe · 26/05/2014 18:46

If he grabbed you by the throat and you left, it's most definitely not your fault. It's his fault for behaving in a violent and disrespectful way; you were absolutely right to leave and he has to bear the consequences of his actions.

I'm not one to jump straight to ltb but if he treats you like that you might be better off without him? Remember his substance abuse issues are his to solve, not yours.

Original poster
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 18:52

I feel so lost. My head is a mess and I'm heartbroken. I know it was the right thing but now I'm alone and I'm struggling.

Some of his stuff is still here and it's everywhere I look. I want him to pick it up but he hasn't replied to my text.

OP posts:
ohldoneedtogetagrip · 26/05/2014 18:54

he loves me more than anything--- sorry OP this is not true as he loves the alcohol and drugs more Sad
Time to move on and make a better life for yourself. Baby steps one day at a time for now. Flowers

captainmummy · 26/05/2014 18:56

He loves you more than anything, but grabbed you by the throat?

What's he like with things he dislikes?

Original poster
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 19:00

He denies doing it now, I know he did. It's like he can't even admit he caused this. I really don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
KidsDontThinkImCool · 26/05/2014 19:08

You've said a couple of times he's said it's over, he says he can't do this anymore. But it sounds to me like you haven't yet made that decision in your own head. Forget all about what he says and what he wants - this is about you. Do you want to be with an alcoholic who will grab your throat and then deny it and blame you. Yes or no. No ifs. No maybes. Just yes or no. Once YOU make that decision it gets easier, I promise.

My situation wasn't the same - he didn't drink or hit me ever. But I tortured myself over whether I could live what he was like because I loved him, because we had a family together, because I was terrified of being on my own, because he couldn't make up his mind. Because, because, because. Once I realised I could be the one to walk away, I found strength in that.

Original poster
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 19:12

No I don't. I know I don't but I'm struggling to deal with the fact we are completely finished.

I feel like I've lost my best friend as well as my partner. I'm so lonely, can't focus on anything and I just want his things out of my house now.

OP posts:
FabULouse · 26/05/2014 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KidsDontThinkImCool · 26/05/2014 19:21

I'm sorry, you must be feeling awful right now. You are grieving - of course you feel lost and lonely. And just lying on the sofa is fine - as long as you can keep your DS fed and watered he will be fine. It's ok.

Original poster
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 19:24

I wish I could just take my mind off it. Stop feeling like this. I want to be happy again.

OP posts:
KidsDontThinkImCool · 26/05/2014 19:28

Oh Berry, you will be happy again, but first you have to let yourself grieve over what you've lost.

If you really want to take your mind off it could you find a good tv show to binge watch - downton abbey or something?

Original poster
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 19:43

I should tidy the house as ds has toys everywhere but I don't have the motivation. I miss having someone to talk to. I want to call him. I shouldn't should I?

OP posts:
KidsDontThinkImCool · 26/05/2014 19:48

Don't tidy the house. And definitely don't call him. Make yourself cosy on your sofa - possibly with a bowl of ice cream or light some candles, whatever will sooth your soul. And talk to us. I'm trying not to text my ex right now to face yet another argument about why he's continuing to stall the transfer of the house to my name (a whole other thread). Point is, talk to us instead.

justiceofthePeas · 26/05/2014 19:52

You should also consider contacting WA and reading Lundy Bancroft.
This is domestic abuse.
The way he is when nasty, is the real him sadly. He won't change.
The lovely bit in between is him sucking you back in for another round.
But you can recover and rebuild your life. [Flowers]

Original poster
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 19:55

I'm sorry to hear that. I've just gone into a bag he left here looking for a lighter. There's a pair of women's pants in there, size 8. My size 12 backside has never worn them. I feel sick. Actually sick xx

OP posts:
KidsDontThinkImCool · 26/05/2014 20:09

Oh fuck, I'm sorry.

Original poster
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 20:24

He says they're from when his step sister used it to move house and to call her and ask. I don't know what to think now. It was hard hearing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 21:28

This is awful.

OP posts:
KidsDontThinkImCool · 26/05/2014 22:17

I'm sorry, I know this makes it 10x worse but it was already awful. This changes nothing. He is abusive. He is a liar. You will be a million times better off without him.

onbehalfof · 26/05/2014 22:22

I recommended al anon because they will be able to give you as much support as you need.

Right now, you seem to have that crazy head on, these people may well be able to console you.

Yes to woman's aid too, and DV services.

Original poster
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 22:35

I don't really know what advice they can give me but I will give them a call. It may help as I can't imagine what being an alcoholic could be like.

He's getting his things on Wednesday which will help but be hard. I hate that it has to be like this.

OP posts:
onbehalfof · 27/05/2014 02:00

Al-Anon are a support group for families of alcoholics.

They should be able to offer coping strategies/advice, having been through / going through similar situations.

There is usually someone at the end of the phone.
I grew up in this environment, I wish I had accessed help sooner.