Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I'm falling apart

36 replies

Taz29duffy · 26/05/2014 13:37

My partner has left me. I am controlling and don't like him going out drinking, as he can be abusive towards me when he has alcohol on board. I am 36 and we had a miscarriage and our baby would have been due early June. This is my third broken engagement (I've always been left) and I can not even think about how to pick the pieces up. I don't even want to. I just want to curl up and die. I have lost the only things that really mattered to me and I'm devastated. I know that there is obviously something wrong with me if people keep leaving me. I have went for psychotherapy in the past, but still seem to be doing things wrong. Sorry for rant.

OP posts:
AnnaWombourne · 26/05/2014 13:55

Rant all you like......helpful folk will be along soon to help you through this.

Keeping posting.

tribpot · 26/05/2014 14:00

Quite understandable that you are lost and upset, esp given the timing.

However, I wonder if your previous partners were also abusive? I wonder if the reason they have left is because ultimately you wouldn't put up with their shit? In which case the problem is not you, it's them. But you may need to spend some time building your self esteem so you don't choose losers in the first place. (Easier said than done, I know).

Original poster
Taz29duffy · 26/05/2014 14:10

No, they weren't abusive. The first partner left me after his father died. We had been together for a longtime and were young and it was probably the sensible thing to do. My second partner was very loving and caring and we had a great relationship. There were no rows until I said I would rather his father didn't make a long speech at our wedding and he left me, said that our views were clearly "too disparate". It took me a long time to even consider dating. This relationships has had its ups and downs, but that seemed more natural than my last relationship. I just want him to come back and can't face the pain

OP posts:
CailinDana · 26/05/2014 14:22

Wanting him not to drink because he is abusive when drunk isn't controlling. It's totally normal not to want your partner to hurt you.

So sorry you lost your baby.

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to and get a hug from?

Original poster
Taz29duffy · 26/05/2014 15:36

Not really. I have friends, but they have all got young children nw fits difficult to get time to properly talk. He has threatened to leave before many times, but this feels different. He says that I wind him up when he goes out and that is why gets angry with me. I just can't face going through this again. What is the point in trying when this keeps happening.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/05/2014 17:57

Knowing your history, he threatens you with walking out. If he feels so strongly, you can do better without him.

If he hasn't moved out what is to stop you clearing his belongings from every room in the house or flat and putting his remaining belongings out back. Then tell him he had better come and get it all before it gets dark.

He could be grieving in his own way too. But at present you aren't able to talk. Those ups and downs you mention, how often were you the one who backed down to keep the peace?

Would you benefit from making an appointment, talking to your GP? And if you work, could you consider taking some time off, or being referred for counselling?

Original poster
Taz29duffy · 26/05/2014 18:19

Our ups and downs are always related to his wanting to go out. I guess at 36 (he is 42) I want to move to a more settled way of life and leave the partying behind, whereas he wants tone out with the boys, more often than anyone else of this age that I know. Everytime we Downe threatens to leave and I always get upset and back down, beg him to stay. That said we do get on very well most if the time and then it falls apart. I actually can't even bear the thought of him taking his stuff as that will feel so empty and final- it's nearly like clinging to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Taz29duffy · 26/05/2014 18:22

Also even though things were settled lately I have started counselling to try and address my own anxiety. I have also seen gp on past, but know there is not much they actually can do

OP posts:
Maisie0 · 26/05/2014 18:24

You need to let them self destruct even if you were considerate to point it out to them. I wonder whether the guys that you chose were not ready for that "negative" comments ? You may see it as "controlling" but if the other person is considerate too, they too would change to adapt a little bit with you. So please do not be too harsh on yourself right now. We are all growing and learning too. So... to judge yourself too harshly may be too much at times to be honest.

Please surround yourself with more loving people, than to try and find the guy again. It will at least give you some relief too. Please do things to please yourself. You deserve this now. You do not always have to please the other guy. The 2nd guy sounds very petty in a way. (Which reminds me of me tbh.) Sometimes stepping back is good to see what is in front of you. Maybe the second guy is not meant to be a lifelong partner ?

Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 18:26

I've had a similar thing happen today. I feel exactly how you do and I would have also had a baby due first week of June. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I'm a bit of a wreck as well x

Tiggywinklespinny · 26/05/2014 18:33

The way a person treats you is not a statement about you it's about them.

If he was abusive then although it's hurts like hell now you will at some point know you're worth more. Don't let these men define you. You are worth so much more than someone who disrespects you and treats you with anything but love and kindness.

Be gentle with yourself, perhaps discussing your miscarriage with a professional might help?

Sending you hugs. I don't give a crap if it's not MN protocol Wink

Original poster
Taz29duffy · 26/05/2014 18:41

Thank you for your kind messages and words.

Berryglitter, it is mad to think that someone else out tree is also hurting in a similar way. Sometimes you feel like no-one could understand

OP posts:
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 18:44

Trust me, I completely understand. It's horrible. I'm trying to prevent myself calling him. Can't stop crying, pretty sure I look like a panda. My mum suggested writing it all down to get the feelings out. So I may try that. I just want the ground to swallow me up x

Original poster
Taz29duffy · 26/05/2014 18:49

You're doing better than me as I've tried calling and texting several times. I know the sensible part of me tells me not to, but I get so anxious that I logic goes out the window :-( x

OP posts:
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 18:57

I text asking him to arrange getting his things from my house. No reply. I'm trying not to call as it will only make me cry more I think. That's exactly how I feel, anxious. It's horrible isn't it. I'm so shakey and can't concentrate on anything but this. How are you doing x

Maisie0 · 26/05/2014 19:05

I'm not able to relate exactly where you guys are right now, but I like to send you some Brew and Cake... Things may make more sense later on than it does right now.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/05/2014 19:19

A lot of posters have talked elsewhere about the irony of their exes being attracted to them as capable articulate confident women. Right up until these guys realise they can't manipulate or push them around. Maybe now more than ever he realises you two want different things.

OP life shouldn't be a series of emotional rollercoasters. Getting on well then sporadic rows that leave you feeling washed out and like a nag? Eventually you have no energy to speak your mind. If he bails now, he could be giving you space to think.

The diary is a good idea, or vent here.

Original poster
Taz29duffy · 26/05/2014 19:33

I guess I feel like I keep getting left. In all my relationships people just leave me and I have tried to be very mindful of not going for the same type of man and yet still end up in the same place. It's hard not to seeyself being to balms as realistically I'm the common denominator. I also feel embarrassed and know a lot of people will be thinking that I obviously do something to drive men away.

OP posts:
Berryglitter · 26/05/2014 19:36

Don't feel embarrassed. I'm sure it's not you. Have you spoken to him since x

MistressDeeCee · 26/05/2014 20:38

Hi OP. Ive been married twice. Both marriages crashed. I felt embarassed, and like a complete failure.

1st husband was a very nice guy. He's the father of my DDs. We were just too different - he had some ways I didnt agree with. Mainly that he was a spendthrift.

2nd husband also drank on occasion and was abusive. He could be nice in other ways.

The point is, people do have their ways. But when people are essentially showing you that disagreeing with them is an issue and its their way or the highway, then there's no room for compromise. There's nothing wrong with you or guys wouldn't be attracted to you in the 1st place. Im quite sure with the guys you've mentioned, if you'd passively kept your mouth shut about everything, just basically let them have their way in all, then you'd still be in a relationship. However, it is impossible to live like that. Its not fulfilling at all. I couldn't do it.

I have a lovely partner now. Aftr 2 failed marriages it took me a long time to date again. I actuallly said I wouldn't. But, I did. & met a guy who is everything the other 2 weren't. Yes we have our disagreements but he doesn't take them as a declaration of war and a reason/sign that relationship should end. We're fair with each other, loyalty and compromise is the key. I didn't meet him until I was in my 40s, by the way.

You'll get there. It will just take time. You're only 36. It hurts like hell now, but a man who drinks to the point he is abusive, making you anxious alongside it, is not a man to make a life with. Sorry you lost your baby, I hope you can get help coping with that in RL. Just go easy on yourself.

Just thinking both my exes said they were attracted to me as I had a good spirit, and zest for life. They loved me for that. Funny how they soon set about wanting to change that about me, as if it was a threat. Particularly the 2nd husband with his drinking and verbal abuse...I wouldn't take him now if he was the last man on earth. But when we split, I was devastated beyond belief! Id thought he was my last chance of happy ever after, you see. You'll get there.

Original poster
Taz29duffy · 27/05/2014 04:34

Mistress deecee, thank you for your message. I hope there are better days ahead. My big fear is my age and having children . It bec

OP posts:
Original poster
Taz29duffy · 27/05/2014 04:35

It becomes so hard to make proper choices as you get older. I'm just past my self with sadness.

OP posts:
livingzuid · 27/05/2014 05:57

taz I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I can hand on heart say the problem has been with these men, not with you.

There were no rows until I said I would rather his father didn't make a long speech at our wedding and he left me, said that our views were clearly "too disparate"

This made me Shock as an excuse to leave. Just that alone makes me wonder how nice he was to you really. It's a perfectly reasonable and understandable request to make and part of a normal discussion about your wedding plans.

As for your current X, you are not controlling. It again is perfectly reasonable to not want your partner to drink and party like a 19 year old when they are in their 40s. And especially not if they become abusive when drunk.

Give your phone to a friend, turn it off, throw it out the window, whatever works to stop you from texting and calling him. You are stronger than you realise and you can get through this. You deserve someone who will appreciate you for who you are and treat you with respect and love. That man is not your XP.

I had a mc last year and it is truly heartbreaking Thanks for you. No words of wisdom as I got so fed up of hearing people tell me it was 'nature' and I was still 'young' etc. Just make sure you take good care of yourself. It's a bereavement, same as anything else. You need to allow time to grieve.

On your anxiety, your GP should refer you to a specialist to be assessed. General anxiety disorders are very treatable but you need to be seen and given a diagnosis by a psychiatrist or psychologist. You can self refer to your Community Mental Health Team or certainly give them a call and explain what it is you are going through. The mental health boards on MN are also fantastic and supportive too, so if you wanted to ask about anxiety specifically I'd recommend a thread there.

Big hugs to you and I hope you feel better soon.

livingzuid · 27/05/2014 06:02

Oh and the age thing to have children is not an issue. Honestly. Easier said than done to put it out of your mind (I know all too well), but just be assured that you'll still be able to have a family if that is what you want. With the right man. My SIL is pregnant at 45 and the pregnancy board is full of fabulous mums in their mid 30s and beyond. There is too much made of age and its negative impact on fertility. It really isn't an issue. Statistically the odds are still very much in your favour.

At the risk of sounding like your mother :) focus on getting yourself well and stable first, both emotionally and physically.

kalidanger · 27/05/2014 07:32

OP, is it all about the booze? Maybe some of this thread will resonate www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2051961-If-I-can-accept-that-I-am-causing-him-to-drink

Swipe left for the next trending thread