I think I'm falling apart

[Taz29duffy]

My partner has left me. I am controlling and don't like him going out drinking, as he can be abusive towards me when he has alcohol on board. I am 36 and we had a miscarriage and our baby would have been due early June. This is my third broken engagement (I've always been left) and I can not even think about how to pick the pieces up. I don't even want to. I just want to curl up and die. I have lost the only things that really mattered to me and I'm devastated. I know that there is obviously something wrong with me if people keep leaving me. I have went for psychotherapy in the past, but still seem to be doing things wrong. Sorry for rant.

All our disagreements focus on him wanting to go out and me unhappy about that. He doesn't drink that frequently, but when he does it is always to excess and there is always something bad that happens. He sees alcohol as no problem and that the issue is all me controlling him. I think if he were to stop drinking our relationship would be fantastic, but I know that this will never happen.

Taz29duffy yes, there are better days ahead. I am proof. After splitting from 2 irresponsible idiots, I am here to tell the tale

Yes it is horrible when you split up. You grieve for loss of relationship and the future you had all mapped out. But with a man who drinks to excess leading to bad stuff happening, it simply wouldnt have been a glowing future anyway. Nor a relationship to bring a child into. I know what you mean about having children, etc. There's still time tho. Better the way is clear to eventually meet someone new, after you've gotten over this, rather than put up with a situation which makes you unhappy.

You just haven't met the right man, as yet. When you do, it won't be about you being left. Maybe have a think about the type of man you tend to go for...and then change that. As uncomfortable as I found it, thats what I did..and had to admit to myself, the controlling/irresponsible tendencies were there, but Id just brushed it all aside feeling it would be ok to cope with. It wasn't. When I was ready to date again, it was a case of as far off from my usual type, the better.

We all find our way in the end. You will get over this, and start to see things more clearly.

He sees alcohol as no problem

Does he also say things like:
He can hold his drink,
He's only a social drinker,
He's entitled to a few drinks after the kind of week he's had,
He's not an alcoholic because he only drinks lager not spirits.
You knew he liked a drink when you first met but now you're trying to change him;
He uses it as an anti-depressant because he knows if he goes out you'll have a go at him later on;
Only someone who craves a drink first thing in the morning and gets DTs when they don't have a drink has a drinking problem. He does neither so he hasn't got a problem.

Mistressdeecee, thank you for your hopeful words. This partner was about as different as he could be from my second fiancé (but had similarities to other exes). My second fiancé was different- out relationship was always positive and I thought was very healthy- I was shocked beyond belief when he left. I think I reverted to previous form after that. I'm just very lonely and have limited social life. My friends are all married with kids. It's difficult to even think about trying to start over when the time comes.

Taz29duffy you are going through a difficult time..being lonely with no social life makes it worse.

Im not suggesting you can, or will be up to doing this right now. But can you at least draw up a plan for yourself? With a view to taking up a hobby, joining a class, joining a meet-up group? Nothing thats necessarily geared towards meeting a man. Just something to get you out & about. Write your plan down, and keep looking at it.

Please remember what your qualities are. Life sucks sometimes..lots of women have been there re. being dumped, being with unsuitable partners etc. The only thing that heals is time. But in the meantime, don't let yourself 'fade'..rediscover who you are, and what you like doing.

Try

I am literally unraveling. I can not cope with this. I haven't slept and can't even get out of bed. I am so humiliated at how my life has turned out. I just want to curl up and die. I know this sounds dramatic abs histrionic, but I just can't see how I can live with this.

taz you are stronger than you realise. You have been through a great ordeal and it is not surprising you feel so low.

Is it possible for you to take some time off? Would you be able to go to your gp today to discuss how you feel and get signed off? They can help you.

You are not alone and you are not to blame for what has happened. Keep posting. We are here to help.

If I were your friend married or not I would want to help. Please talk to someone in rl and this morning please make a GP appointment.

Taz are your parents still around for you? Could you lift up the phone and reach out to them?

Why do I miss him so much. He came round to get stuff and we talked. I could see he isn't as sure of his decision, but has no insight into his alcohol issues or temper problems. He sees this as being something triggered by me- now I know I'm my logical head that although I may annoy him, he is responsible for his own behaviour and his externalising blame is his way of defending his own anxiety. I'm really feeling sad and empty.

If the root of the problem is his attitude to alcohol
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

He may use drinking as a crutch. He likes to feel accepted, one of the lads. When you challenge him about going out he feels got at. It comes down to his set of priorities. Surely your pregnancy meant more to him than just you being designated driver for a number of months.

It must be so frustrating being told off for trying to control him when he evades time with you. If he buries his feelings no wonder you feel isolated. His emotional responses are all out of whack.