My mother has sent me "the" letter - can I tell her I don't want to read it?

[javotte]

My mother was mildly toxic when I grew up. She was completely unavailable emotionally during my teens and early adulthood, and said things that still hurt today.

We see each other regularly, mainly so that she can spend time with her grandchildren. We talk about the children, clothes, the weather, but we have never had a meaningful conversation.

A few years ago she started to see an alternative counsellor. Since then, she has started divorce proceedings (fair enough) and cut off from her life all the people who dared disagree with her, including her favourite sister, and sometimes one of my siblings. There have been horrible moments where she dramatically apologised to my siblings and me for being such a bad mother and ruining our childhoods, but it was still all about her and she was obviously waiting for us to tell her that of course not, she was a perfect mother.

Three years ago she hinted to the fact that she had written a letter to me. It arrived in my e-mail box this morning.
I feel that the past is the past and nothing will change it. I have put most of it behind me, but I know I will never have a close relationship with her. It is too late for that. I am also 99% sure that the letter will, once again, be all about her. To sum it up, I don't want to read it, but I don't feel strong enough to tell her I don't want to read it.

Can anyone offer advice? Just seing the letter in my e-mail has sent my heartrate through the roof.

javotte if you are afraid of the drama she will create whether you read the letter or don't, can you sit down and plan the ways she might do that and then how you will handle it? You should not have to live in fear of her. Working out practical ways to handle her shit stirring would help you manage it. It sounds really as if she's a poisonous two year old and you have to be the adult.

As a well known poster would say, if she's too toxic for you she's certainly too toxic for your vulnerable, unguarded children. If she does cut you off, is it the end of the world? Your children would be safer from emotional damage long term. Also well - if she's cut so many people out like this, your immediate family must be well used to it and at the very least roll their eyes at her antics and not believe any shit she stirs. I bet some know exactly what she's like.

I guess I was lucky in that my "special letters" started pre-internet so came hard copy in the mail. Easy just to send it back unopened. Course, read the first couple only to realize he just wanted me to watch him masturbate (essentially, not literally). Manipulative self-serving crap.

Now when they came in email format I just delete. I don't remotely care what the letters say. Not at all curious. I also just deleted the friends request on FB and the letters from his current wife pleading his case. Yuck. My sympathy to anyone else having to deal with letter bombs.

OP, whatever you decide you should do it quickly, agonising over the stupid letter is giving it headspace that it doesn't deserve.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this crap.

Well obviously it is all about her feeling better. She is hoping you say it is all ok and you have forgiven and forgotten.

Don't bother reading it. It cannot change the past. Tell her you hope it helped her to write it but whatever was in the letter does not change the past and you are not remotely interested in the contents.

how hard

I am in the "have a trusted friend" read it camp, and filter for you,

or, delete! I am so sorry I can just imagine how you feel

These letters that counsellors advise to write are usually meant for therapeutic use only and not to be posted to the invididuals. They allow the writer to bare all (warts and all) and could potentially make you feel awful. Its a difficult one isn't it. Curiosity and all that. You know what happened and have come to terms with it and have coping strategies in place to deal with what she deals you now. Do you really want to open a potential can of worms? This really is a hard one.

From what you have said about her she is still the same and its still all about her, not others. Has she learned anything do you think?

I think the suggestion that you should get someone more detached, if possible with a sense of humour, to read it first and forwarn you is a good suggestion. If you want to maintain the relationship for your children, you probably need to know what she has written at some stage.

Last night we had a "letter" from a friend. She says she is hurt and disappointed because we didn't get to her wedding. I won't put details here but it has stunned both of us as we were in contact with them all the time and they knew our situation, and we thought they were keeping us informed about theirs. Now 6 months later (it took her 6 months to get over this, apparently) comes the accusing letter. My husband, who is under constant work pressure, hasn't felt able to read it yet. I have, and it has made me quite angry, disturbed my sleep, upset me seriously because we really thought we were doing the right thing. I daren't say anything in return, because we are also friends with her husband, who sometimes works with my husband, and we do not want to dump on him. I can't ask friends for comment, as many of them know her and I don't want to risk starting a chain reaction. I may post something in another forum section as I really don't know how to deal with this. (Not sure which. Weddings, probably. They seem to have a strange effect on people.)

Oh man i fucking hate this move!!

it says 'i want to have possibly one of the most important conversations in our lives, but you will not be allowed to speak, you will have to sit there and listen to my view of things, there will be no discussion, no murmur of dissent allowed and absolutely no opportunity for you to tell me to fuck off if you feel like it. It has to be like this because i am a juvenile control freak who can't handle adult discussions and relationships. its all about me, fuck you'

Thats before we even get to the actual content. I would delete it. I would not save it for a rainy day (yukky thought of it being there every day!!) I'd tell her and tell her why and say if she wants a meaningful discussion that you will put a day aside so you can both take part!!

Grrrrrrrrr thats made me a bit cross!!!!!!

I don't know what to suggest.

Does your mother ever hear your response? will you be allowed a reaction? will she hear it, acknowledge it.............

There's no point reading something that will make you feel "but............" while she puts up her hand and literally won't hear your voice.

my mum is not toxic but on occasions when we've fallen out over silly things she literally will not hear my side. It is so frustrating. Over the years I've learnt not to argue my case..

Ryvita that sounds very toxic to me. To have to shut up and not argue your case is very hurtful to yourself isn't it? I agree that there is no point in just saying your piece back but there are other ways to deal with this so that you feel in control. I am myself in the process of learning to do this. Its not easy but hopefully this will make you a better parent.

Well, it's only when we fall out (when her ego has been injured in some way) that she literally won't hear me out at all. If we are getting along she'd happily listen to anything I was prepared to tell her. Although I'd hold back.

i just think of myself being more emotionally rounded and emotionally intelligent than she is. I get that people want different things in life and so make different choices. Not sure my mother 100% gets that so she can be quite judgemental. Iguess it's not cominng form maliciousness, more a lack of ability to understand human nature and choices. A lack of theory of mind if you like!

Also, now that I am much better at not caring if she disapproves, I guess I see it as a lack of maturity rather than toxic.

but my mother is minor league compared to some of the horror stories i read on here!!!

I know though that if my mother were to present me with a letter of my faults I would hand it back to her saying "ah sure i know I'm not perfect and you know that you're not perfect either but we're all doing our best to get along right". and she would swallow a rolling pin.

thats true Bindi! you are meant to write letters to offload rather than impose data

hmmm... OP if in doubt, do nowt

Ryvita I think its brilliant that you are in a position to not care if she approves or disapproves then. That is where I am aiming to be. I had no contact with my parents for 20 years, ( their choice) and then they came back playing the illness card. I didn't want anything to do with them as I had grown up and moved on to a place that I was happy. Now for some reason all the old feelings have been brought back when I have to talk to them. Please tell me how you managed to get to this place.

Just tell her that you have received the email, and that it has taken too much time and effort on your behalf to get to where you are and you have no intention of visiting the past.

I would put money on the fact that it is a revised version of her truth, in which she is trying to box every thing off neatly before she dies.

I will not read the letter and will not mention it unless she asks. I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about all the possibilities, and I have concluded that nothing could can come out of it for me.

I don't want to read about her justifications for what she did wrong. Nothing is ever her fault. I spent my childhood and teenage years listening to her complaining about my father, hearing about marriage problems I should not even have known existed. She also poisoned my mind against my paternal family. It is when I refused to listen to her complaints any more and pity her all the time that our relationship changed. I am tired of all the drama. I can't take it any more.

I am also afraid that I am next on her "hit list". She has always needed to have an enemy in her life. Her enemies have been her bosses, her MIL, and in the last few years, my father. She has been dragging the divorce thing for years now, so there will soon be a day when she cannot blame everything that she is unhappy with in her life on my father, and I don't want to be next.

Sorry about the rant, it feels good to write it down.

Sorry, inthe frst paragraph, I meant "nothing good", of course

Good for you for making a firm decision.

You should be able to set up a filter on your email to automatically delete any future emails from her. It's what I would do. I use Gmail but I'd imagine most email programs allow this. Don't let her control your emotions any more.

Bindibach, Psychotherapy was the turning point for me. I'd looked for their approval my whole life. I didn't used to announce my plans, I used to run my plans past them and they'd wrinkle their noses in doubt. So they weren't really behaving that 'toxically' it was just really affecting me. After psychotherapy i learnt to just tell them 'ive resigned' / 'bought a painting!' or put the house up for sale (just examples). But before, I couldn't move first withouth offering them the opportunity to criticise my decisions.
my mother was quite curious about psychotherapy and i tried to tell her in a way that was succinct and not critical of the way she had raised me but she was just thiiiiiis far from rolling her eyes in front of me... like the melodrama of wanting to be content - that was self-indulgent! so, anyway, I wouldn't tell her anymore after that.

Just want to say, without knowing anything about your or your mother I might add, when you say she knows how to push your buttons, I wouldn't necessarily believe that she is doing that deliberately, but that is just the way things are between mothers and daughters at least.

My mother was on the whole a good well-intentioned mother, but she still made me feel stupid (I am the youngest) and was the only person who could get me so stressed by my stomach hurt.

Ryvita funnily enough I had psychotherapy myself years and year ago and that was where I learnt how to deal with my parents. They didn't like the "new me" though and found it very difficult and behaved like children. They couldn't deal with decisions I made even though I stated them rather than asking their approval. That is where they couldn't handle it anymore. Hence they moving to another country and me not seeing them for 20 years and no contact from them at all. I am an only child. But when they turned up a year and a half ago it just threw me back to the old me and now im having to re learn all over again how to protect myself. They are back in their own country now but I dread the phone ringing. They were emotionally abusive in my childhood unfortunately. Hence the therapy. I will just have to protect myself again and stop "wanting" approval again.

How would you feel about lying to her? Because you could just delete it unread and tell her 'yes' and 'I don't want to talk about it' if she asks you. In fact you could tell her that even if you want to file it for the future.

This is the nub of the problem:

"I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about all the possibilities",

Unread letters like this say all the worst things, confirm all your darkest fears, all your self-doubts. It'll prey on your mind.

Delete it and tell your mum that you have deleted it. Some wonderful words for this have been suggested by other posters.

Actually I quite like the idea of saying you have read it, and refusing to discuss it - it will put her in the same position you are in now, wondering what you are thinking! You could even say you are composing your reply....

Please delete, if you dont you are definitely going to read it one day, and you can never undo the damage that might do to you.