My mother has sent me "the" letter - can I tell her I don't want to read it?

[javotte]

My mother was mildly toxic when I grew up. She was completely unavailable emotionally during my teens and early adulthood, and said things that still hurt today.

We see each other regularly, mainly so that she can spend time with her grandchildren. We talk about the children, clothes, the weather, but we have never had a meaningful conversation.

A few years ago she started to see an alternative counsellor. Since then, she has started divorce proceedings (fair enough) and cut off from her life all the people who dared disagree with her, including her favourite sister, and sometimes one of my siblings. There have been horrible moments where she dramatically apologised to my siblings and me for being such a bad mother and ruining our childhoods, but it was still all about her and she was obviously waiting for us to tell her that of course not, she was a perfect mother.

Three years ago she hinted to the fact that she had written a letter to me. It arrived in my e-mail box this morning.
I feel that the past is the past and nothing will change it. I have put most of it behind me, but I know I will never have a close relationship with her. It is too late for that. I am also 99% sure that the letter will, once again, be all about her. To sum it up, I don't want to read it, but I don't feel strong enough to tell her I don't want to read it.

Can anyone offer advice? Just seing the letter in my e-mail has sent my heartrate through the roof.

I have to go out now. Thank you very much for your kind answers.

I have no one to read it for me - my siblings have all moved to other continents (wonder why ) and things are not very good with DH at the moment so I don't want to ask him.

I had one of those letters a year ago. Mine came without warning and I read it not realising how bad it would be. Luckily I have a very good friend who is a counsellor who was able to pick me up after I read it and two other good friends who I let read it so they could help me process it. Even with that I still think of it a few times a week. In it she basically managed to destroy any good memories of my childhood, forgive herself for the abuse she knew about and ruin my chances of ever trusting anybody again. Yet she did it in a way that obviously made her feel so much better.

Delete it. And tell her you have.

Delete unread. She asks if you read it, tell her you deleted unread and if she has something to tell you she needs to do it to your face.

I would delete it. She sounds horrible.

Whatever you choose to do you should do it quickly - IMHO there is no point delaying reading it or binning it.

I have had several poison pen letters from my mother, but don't read them. The first one was extremely upsetting. The second one I left unopened in a place I knew she would eventually see it.

Then she took to sending me the odd vile email when she was drunk, although I think my father has put a stop to that now since my DH took him to task over it.

I have no relationship with my mother at all these days.

I would delete the email and profess ignorance if she asks. "What email?" etc

No is a complete sentence OP. You are allowed to say no to anything that you believe will hurt or upset you. You can tell your mum that NO you haven't read it and NO you're not going to.

She will probably try to justify what she put you through as a child, but you can choose to see it as an excuse or a reason. You have no reason to be afraid of her or what she might say to others about you. The main reason you are afraid of her is probably down to her conditioning to be like that, as a child and over the subsequent years. You can stop that cycle by reiterating to yourself that you're an adult and you make your own decisions, not your mum. You can take what she says into consideration, but you don't have to do what she. This is about you breaking from your mother's clutches, living your life by your own standards and not being afraid to say NO to her.

Hey OP. This is an opportunity to take control.

Delete and clear out your trash.

Perhaps you need to go no contact. She sounds nightmarish.

So this has been hanging over your head for three years since she first alluded to it?

I don't think you should risk opening it unless you are in a 'good place' yourself. Especially not now if you have other issues going on or feel vulnerable.

You can stall for time by acknowledging it arrived if she prompts you and saying that as she has taken this long to send it you don't want to rush into reading it. After all most letters require some response so you wouldn't want to be hasty. And that you are sure writing it was cathartic for her but when you choose to open it is really for you to decide. Inferring you are in the driving seat.

OP you may feel like you need to tell your mother but you don't. Seriously, you don't.

You know it's going to be a horrid letter justifying her reasons for treating you appallingly eg she does it because she cares, she does it because you're difficult, she tried her best and you're awful for going over the past, and my personal 'favourite' you're too sensitive. Recognise any of these?

There is nothing to be gained for you in reading this letter. Nothing. All it's going to bring is more upset to you. So just delete it. It's very liberating as you will be breaking the emotional hold she has over you.

I know it's scary but take hold of your courage and delete it. You will feel guilt as that's part of her hold over you but you will also taste freedom which is fantastic!

((hugs from me too)) don't care if it is un-MN. ;-)

oh and these too

Since my DH and I had some problems and he took to sending special emails, I have a policy on that sort of missive. I don't read them because I'm very sensitive to negative things being written down and they weighed very heavily. I deleted everything unread and refused to get into email conversations. One I did keep in the first instance because I thought it might be important in some way and I sent it to a friend to read. She reassured me it was a pile of self serving wank and I wouldn't gain from reading it. We have since reconciled and I read it at her house a few months ago and she was right - that's exactly what it was. At the time though, it would have traumatised me because I was so vulnerable.

Just because she wants to send it, you don't have to accept it. It's her choice not yours.

Either delete unread or I'm sure some kind MNetter would filter and précis it!

have you considered going nc? just sounds to me like she has nothing positive to add to your life.

Read it, and then tell her "Yep...read it...it's all about you, as per norm."

Treat this for what it is OP. Don't let it get to you. x

oh god, I went shopping with my dd a couple of years ago,
we brought each other presents, had lunch , hugged as we left, a lovely day.
she emailed the next day, as she said she would to make arrangements to meet up the next week.

I opened it, and actually felt physically sick.
it was the vilest abusive email ever sent.
I was the worst person who ever walked the earth.
if I had any inkling it would be so devastating, I would have deleted it immediately.
so, if you truly believe this email will rock your peaceful world,
don't "wonder" what the contents are,
just delete, delete, delete, and move on.

My narc, abusive Ex used to send special emails to his father and I.
I used to open them and absolutely reel from the venom within.

Then I saw a response to an email he had sent his father.

It stated ' I have deleted your email unread. I doubt it's contents will have enhanced either reputation'

I used the same response for the next catalogue of emails he sent me. Eventually he stopped.

Don't let her exert this power over you.

My estranged dad sent me a letter once, I asked my husband to read it because I couldn't. He said that I shouldn't read it and I asked him to put it on the fire. I've not seen or spoken to my dad since.

anditcametopass... That's awful. How on earth does a parent cope with that from their child? It's always 'at the behest of the child', all about the child and their 'rights', with the parent being the one required to make reparation... I can't imagine what that must have been like. Are you in touch with your daughter at all now?

javotte I have had 'the' letter from my mum too.

I think her therapist told her it would be a good idea to get things off her chest. I just told her I'd got it and that everyone makes mistakes but you can't change what's been done or said and that I hope it made her feel better to have sent it - then I left it at that.

Didn't do anything for me - it was all about her, I read self, self. self betwen the lines. So I'd say your 99% feeling it'll all be about her is probably correct.

no, sadly, she has been nc for 2 years now.
I have emailed,
phoned,
text,
all to no avail.
the odd thing is, dd has gone nc with all family members over the years,

I was told, one day it will be me, which I couldn't have imagined, as we were so close.

but, yes, my turn came,
and it left me alive, but heartbroken.

so, perhaps if I was physic enough to have known the email content before I opened it, and had ignored it, we would probably be together now.
as, dd would react with instant tantrum when something went wrong in her life , and "punish" those around her.
so, one email, and such sadness beyond belief..

I've had some painful letters, mainly from my father. I read them because at the time I was not in a place to put the unread letter out of my mind and would have imagined much worse things. I struggled with the contents, but because it was known, I was able to get over it after a while.
I kept them in a place I wouldn't routinely come across it and put it, and him, out of my mind.
After counselling following a very traumatic couple of years, I now feel 'well' or 'able' or whatever - enough to be able to leave something unread unopened - it takes, ime, quite a degree of emotional recovery for that to be manageable. So if you can't leave it, without fearing it, fearing her, or fantasizing how terrible it will be to read it, I would say coping with it as you read it may be the lesser of the evils.
And then the main challenge is to get yourself to a place where this fear and anger stops being such a threat - some hard work in counselling is probably well worth it.

Do you have a friend you could send it to? Someone else you trust?

There won't be anything you need to know in there. Ignore and carry on with your life.

yes, if you are aware that the content could cause you damage, it could be a good idea to ask someone else to read it, and simply tell you a brief synopsis of it,
then you can decide if you want to read it yourself.

my dd2 did that when her abusive husband sent her frightening emails, she would forward them to me, and I could help in that way.

if you are emotionally strong, just open the email, read it, then delete it,
if the content is as you believe it may be, then simply block future communication for your peace of mind.
why, oh why?

For all those with 'letters' such as these, can I ask you if you've been to see The Stately Homes thread on Relationships?

It's exactly the right place to come to talk through the pain/sadness felt at the realisation that your parent(s) weren't there for you/healthy/kind.

I would delete it.

You are in control of your life. Why have something that pushes your blood pressure up somewhere on your computer/in your life if you can just easily get rid.

She tries to rake up things you have put behind you. Don't let her.

Def ignore. And tell her you will delete/not open any more emails in the same vein.

What's she going to do - force you to read it? it's all for her, anyway. It's cathartic for her to write it down - the reading of it is not with in her power.

And do consider going NC. It doesn't sound like she brings much joy to your life.