Once a cheater, always a cheater?

[newnameforshame]

Do you believe that?

Had an upset with OH last night.

My history - this is my fourth serious relationship. We live together. We have talked about getting married next year. All three of my previous partners cheated on me. I try to put this behind me, and trust my OH. I do trust him.

But we were chatting about previous relationships last night and he mentioned having a fling with an older woman when he was 30. I did the maths. He was married at that point.

He saw my face fall and asked me what was wrong and I said 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' He got upset because I was 'judging' him on something he did 20 years ago, only did with that one woman, it only lasted 2 weeks and he knew it was wrong and ended it, and he says he has learned his lesson.

I'm still upset because I think now I know he has the potential to cheat. That's not the same as thinking he is definitely going to cheat on me. But that he was able to do it once, so is he that sort of person? I do believe you either can or can't bring yourself to cheat. I never have and never would. But logically I know it was a long time ago so it's probably unfair to judge him on it.

Help?

Hi newname.

I cheated once when I was 23. Totally out of character for me and a huge life lesson learned. I would never cheat again and would be devastated if DH had judged me on that one mistake.

Likewise DH has done things pre meeting me that I haven't judged him on as it would be madness to not create a life with someone on the basis of something a younger them did.

No one can guarantee they won't cheat but I wouldn't allow something so long ago to affect a good relationship. I know it must be scary after having 3 dodgy exes but your DP isn't them.

Hope that helps x

Something you said in your post is both positive and negative....

He saw my face fall and asked me what was wrong and I said 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' He got upset because I was 'judging' him on something he did 20 years ago, only did with that one woman, it only lasted 2 weeks and he knew it was wrong and ended it, and he says he has learned his lesson

Positive - he knew it was wrong, he said he learned his lesson, that was 20 years ago.

Negative - only did it with one woman, well one woman is one woman too many!

Talking about past relationships .. Hmm lets face it, the reason they are past relationships is that things went wrong, people make mistakes, screw up, do bad things etc so micro analysing the failed relationships probably is not a helpful thing to do. And saying "once a cheat, always a cheat" is pretty harsh!

Actions speak louder than words. If you have been with your OH a reasonable time and he gives you confidence he only has eyes for you, I wouldn't vilify him for being honest about his past, although I recognise having a past history of being cheated on is awful for you.

I think that phrase most applies when the cheater in question is in the same relationship, not subsequent ones. If they will cheat on you once, they will cheat again. Otherwise, there has to be some expectation that a person can learn from their mistakes and some allowance for context. There has to be a lot more weight given to current behaviour if they have been consistently trustworthy.

Everyone - yourself included OP - has 'the potential to cheat'.

I disagree that we all have the potential to cheat, any more than we all have the potential to murder someone, but never mind that.

thanks for the comments. It's helped me gain some perspective.

I was cheated on by men who wanted to leave the relationship and had to have the next woman lined up ready to do it (2 of them it turns out had done this before, so were serial cheaters). I have a horror of ending up in that situation again. I can see now that this, while not excusable, was a different situation and I shouldn't let it effect us now.

Cheating is easily achieved and a little sex on the side is far more pleasant than murder. :) I think it's when we assume someone does not have the potential to cheat & we invest that person with unquestioning trust that we risk being most let down. No need to be irrationally jealous and suspicious but always pays to keep eyes open

I think it can apply to different partners if it's already part of a pattern.

Extenuating circumstances and all that.

I think because it's 20 years ago that it's not part of a pattern (unless he also cheated on the others and you just don't know).

And yes, we all have the "potential" to do anything... potential doesn't mean you will, but you can't say you never would because you never have. You don't know what the future will bring. You know it's unlikely. You know it's not in your character, but that's all you know.

Everyone has the potential to cheat, even someone who has never cheated before.

I cheated on an old bf who I stupidly got back together with, about 10 years ago. I feel awful about it, have never done it since and never will again. I have no wish to cheat on DH.

So no, I think you're wrong. You can't make a sweeping generalisation about everyone based on your relationship history. And yes I've been cheated on in the past.

Erm... not sure. I know a man who was faithful for thirty years but is now wildly promiscuous, despite still being married to the same wife. He says he could be faithful again - to me! I don't think I'd be unfaithful if I had a partner, but I was, long ago.

I don't think any relationship comes ring-fenced. You're only as faithful as the last opportunity you turned down, if you see what I mean.

I had been cheated on by my ex fiancé, when we broke up I swore I'd never have that done to me again. When I met my dh and we started talking and he asked me on a date I asked him if he'd ever been unfaithful, he had no reason to lie I don't feel but had he said yes I'd have never gone out with him!

I think when it comes to it instincts are all you have to guide you.

Cog is right. We do all have the potential to cheat. It's recognising this and making sure it doesn't happen that prevents it, not pretending that we're dead from the neck down to anyone else other than our partner.

That's one I've learned the hard way!!

Whether we cheat or not is a choice. We can all make the choice in either direction. Therefore, we all have the potential.

It's drunken one night stand cheating I'm struggling to deal with. If a partner admits to doing this - twice - in a previous relationship, how do you trust them not to do it again when they're drunk? It's been years apparently, and he felt and feels awful about it (so awful he did it twice!!) but as somebody who has never cheated I just can't understand.

I would be interested to hear opinions on this, from those who have cheated.

You have to make some allowances for people simply 'growing up' and learning from their mistakes PP. I don't know how long 'years' is but, if a 40 year-old was still going out getting drunk the way he did as a 20 year-old, that would probably give me more cause for concern than strictly whether or not he's cheating.

The key question to ask in these circumstances is what lessons he learned, and then see if you can find out if they have actually lived in accordance with that in the intervening two decades.

Someone who has cheated, learned and really moved on might actually be a better 'bet' than someone who has never really thought about it.

I'd be very wary though of someone who didn't seem to have really learned from experience (and there is the possibility of lip service, rather than actual learning) or when not much time had passed in which the new self-knowledge could have bedded in.

Everybody has the potential to cheat, even you, OP.

Some people cheat, decide they never want to do that again - and they don't. Other people cheat, meet somebody they can't imagine cheating on - and they don't. Other people cheat and continue to cheat as and when.

It's a bit insipid to say "Once a cheater, always a cheater". You need to then accept, "Once a thief, always a thief", "Once a liar, always a liar" - in fact, "Once an , always a _", and be done with it.

Don't put yourself out there and don't interact or share your life with anybody if you are this closed minded because you are itching for them to disappoint you and let you down.

My mum married a guy that had cheated on his wife, my mum didn't really want to get married again but fell pregnant at 42. They decided to marry after my sister was born, once married the affairs started. I went under cover and found him round another woman's house, she was 30 years younger than my mum too, she had no idea he was married or had a young child. My mum took him back as he promised her he wouldn't do it again. In fact it happened 5 more times, for her to see sence and chuck him out.

Mum's with a great man know though, that thinks the world of her.

Not all men are cereal cheats!!

I disagree with this. I'm going to be very honest here.

In my last relationship I cheated on my fiancé. The relationship was horrible and deep down I knew it wasn't going to last. I went out on a girls night and this guy was so sweet and nice. I didn't have sex with him but to me I still cheated. I never told my ex.

A little while later I realised the relationship was over so ended it. Best thing I've ever done as he was very abusive.

I've been with my current Dp for 3 years now (can't believe it) and I have no desire to ever cheat again. We are great together and have 2 wonderful kids.

In a way I'm glad I cheated as it made me realise how horrible he was, and that I needed out of the relationship. It showed me how miserable I had become to even consider another man.

I will never cheat again, after that relationship I spent a while being single working on my happiness.

In general women will cheat when the relationship is coming to an end or they are not in love with the person because something is lacking.
I have seen women who cheated on their BFs but are completely different once they find 'the one.'

On the other hand, men in general have a type who cheats and a type who doesn't cheat, regardless of how they feel about their partner.
Of all the men I know that have cheated in the past, ALL of them continue to do so even today. Whilst most of them don't actively pursue women, they WILL cheat given the opportunity.

You can't generalise.

I fail to see how my behaviour in my early 20s has any resemblance to me now, married with children. I have no wish to cheat as I love my DH, which is what it boils down to.

What I should have done was break up with my ex-bf rather than cheat, infact what I should have done was never have got back together with him. But I didn't. Instead I caused a lot of grief which I feel guilty about. It's not something I wish to repeat.

I'd be mighty pissed off if someone judged me on something that happened 10 years ago and has no reference to my life now.

No I don't believe it.

Anything that short, trite and black and white is unlikely to fit all situations, for starters.

I'm sure there are lots of things you have done in the past that you would not do again. How happy would you be to be judged on them now?

Women do change once they are in love whereas men don't.
As a result that's why women are more accepting of cheaters (because women think men will change) and men don't accept cheaters (because men thing women won,t change).

That's a generalisation there arsenal, some women change when they're in love, some men change when they are too. Nobody can speak for a whole gender.

I cheated many years ago. My DH was physically and emotionally absent and when he was home we did not have sex. He later came out as gay.

I have never cheated before or since and cannot imagine that I would ever do so. I am now in a relationship that meets my needs.

I guess what I can't understand re one night stands (in this case, two ONS with different people on separate occasions at work parties) is, do people lose control when they're drunk and don't really know what they're doing? Or do they know what they're doing and give in to temptation?

When I found out the details of this, I almost felt like I had been cheated on, and felt gutted for his ex partner (who doesn't know). It was eight years ago and I know shouldn't judge him based on something so long ago. I wish I never found out.

It's not like this is even a situation that would really come up now, and he certainly doesn't go out getting drunk any more. It's hard to let go of that 'once a cheater, always a cheater' mindset, so I am finding this thread helpful.