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Original poster

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

40 replies

newnameforshame · 26/05/2014 05:26

Do you believe that?

Had an upset with OH last night.

My history - this is my fourth serious relationship. We live together. We have talked about getting married next year. All three of my previous partners cheated on me. I try to put this behind me, and trust my OH. I do trust him.

But we were chatting about previous relationships last night and he mentioned having a fling with an older woman when he was 30. I did the maths. He was married at that point.

He saw my face fall and asked me what was wrong and I said 'once a cheater, always a cheater.' He got upset because I was 'judging' him on something he did 20 years ago, only did with that one woman, it only lasted 2 weeks and he knew it was wrong and ended it, and he says he has learned his lesson.

I'm still upset because I think now I know he has the potential to cheat. That's not the same as thinking he is definitely going to cheat on me. But that he was able to do it once, so is he that sort of person? I do believe you either can or can't bring yourself to cheat. I never have and never would. But logically I know it was a long time ago so it's probably unfair to judge him on it.

Help?

OP posts:
alphabook · 26/05/2014 14:39

I agree that everyone has the potential to cheat. You could meet a new man who has never cheated before, it doesn't mean he never will. You could argue that his experience before means he has learnt his lesson and will never do it again, unlike someone who has never cheated but could end up tempted someday.

Trust is about faith, you can never know for sure whether someone will hurt you. All you can do is trust your instincts, and make sure you have a good safety net (friends, family, hobbies).

Chaseface · 26/05/2014 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ParadoxicalUndressing · 26/05/2014 14:46

alpha is right, and this is something I am trying to get to grips with.

Chase - he did this just before their first Christmas together, a few months into their relationship. I felt so gutted he would do that, at that time. But it was years ago, and nothing to do with me, I must remember that!

Jan45 · 26/05/2014 15:07

So he cheated on his wife, no I wouldn't be too impressed either, only redemption really is his age but even at that, he broke wedding vows quite easily didn't he.

DesertRose1958 · 26/05/2014 15:16

I think perhaps the real question here is what is drawing you to men who cheat because it does seem to be a pattern in your life.

FreeSpirit89 · 26/05/2014 15:18

If it was 20 years ago, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he's grow up since then

Eekaman · 27/05/2014 02:01

Still upset after something he did for 2 weeks 20 years ago and this was many years before you knew him....

Wow. I guess we are all pretty well screwed then if previous offences are never forgotten about and stay on the record for ever.

Sunflower49 · 27/05/2014 03:04

I don't think once a cheater always a cheater any more than I think somebody who hasn't cheated ever in the past, will never do it in their current relationship.

People grow and change.

Someone who cheated on a partner that they weren't seriously committed to for whatever reason, will not automatically have that inclination to cheat if they're in a relationship that they are committed to, and more serious about .

I think It's just a silly thing people say.

FolkGirl · 27/05/2014 05:06

You're right, sunflower.

It's something people say so that they can gossip about other people. OP, just becuase someone has made a trite turn of phrase about something, doesn't make it any more true than "the one who smelt it, dealt it".

Some people are serial cheaters, think nothing of it, don't really mean anything by it... and will always do it.

Some people make a mistake once and never do it again.

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 27/05/2014 12:19

No, I don't believe that for one second. My guy (when he was like 15-17) cheated on his girlfriends because they bored him to tears. He knows now not to do it because he can't be arsed with the shit, off me or off people who find out, he'd never do it again. he realises consequences now he's a lot older than he was. He's grown up since then so no, I don't believe ocne a cheat always a cheat. Boys cheat, men learn their lessons when they have cheated, then never do it again!

IrianofWay · 27/05/2014 12:23

I don't beleive that. It's a trite phrase, very convenient when you don't want to examine the issue closely. I do beleive that once those boundaries have been breached it MIGHT be easier to do it a second time but it doesn't mean you will.

Maisie0 · 27/05/2014 12:48

I would try and turn the situation around and try to be understanding. i.e. does he realises what he did and why he did it and what he now do differently that doesn't make it happen ?

I dated my first ex and he also cheated on his first GF with another "gorgeous" girl. Basically, it was for the sex. There is something wrong with that. Cos he went from that girl to me, and I was his "rebound" good girl. I never cheated on anyone, but that incidence alone hurt me so deep inside that I vowed never to do this kind of serial dating again, and nor to be with someone who I can possibly hurt too. I stopped that bad karma. I never passed it onto someone else. Even though I hurt the most.

People serial date, or serial cheat really in their younger years. Something either someone did to them and that they would try and put a bad karma or a "pay back" onto someone else, without remorse. That is how it happens. Or that they try to learn about themselves, by going through relationships than to stay and figure out the problem themselves.

Maybe if you talked about this, and understand why it happened to be reassured that it can't happen again now. What I learnt about my ex is that, I never want to be with someone like that again. i.e. second best in their eyes.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/05/2014 13:11

It's a bit of a childish phrase really and jumps to a conclusion without even thinking about it. One incident 20 years ago does not define who that person is now. You could apply it to anything.

Say if aged 16 someone stole a chocolate bar or bit of make up. I don't agree with it obviously but does it always make them a thief and not to be trusted? No.

upthedamnwotsit · 27/05/2014 13:30

I think it was rather over the top to say to him: 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' about something that happened so long ago. It was a shitty thing for him to do but come on, it's been TWENTY years. If I were him I would be hesitant about seeing someone who had such a harsh perspective and judged me so quickly on an action that old. You're implying that he has undergone no changes or development in the years since and that is very unfair.

Sassy777 · 27/05/2014 13:44

I believe that people can learn from their mistakes.

My ex who I met when I was 19 cheated on me after 6 years together and couldn't live with the guilt so told me. This resulted in me ending the relationship. I've recently become friends with him on Facebook (12 years later) and he confessed the whole thing really messed him up. He's married now and says he would never cheat again...

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