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Relationships

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Original poster

My lack of friends is a problem...apparently

53 replies

twilight17 · 25/05/2014 19:39

Been in a relationship for a year, all very sudden. Met online, moved in together four months ago and for the most part we are blissfully happy.

Our one problem stems from our different social circles. My partner has a massive social life, several different sets of friends, constantly busy and I've always accepted that. I'm the person she comes home to and even if it's an hour whilst she works before we sleep, I still love that.
I'm one of those people who just doesn't want friends, I haven't since school and I'm very happy on my own. When presented with a social situation I handle it just fine and I'm constantly told I'm funny and fun to be around, but I'm not going to admit I enjoy it because I don't. I get along with work colleagues, but have no attachment outside of them being a colleague. My partners family and friends are the most important thing to her and I respect that, but I don't expect to have to attend every single event or pop in every time we pass.

Yesterday we were in the car driving home, I had a sore throat and felt like flu was coming on (which it was). I was asked to pop in for a minute into partner's parents whilst she collected an umbrella. I said no as my throat was sore and I was tired. Instead of it just being a case of ok then, I'll be right back it's resulted in us not speaking all night as I'm apparently rude for not wanting to go in.

This is a constant argument between us, my reluctance to spend time with people and partner can't accept or understand that I like my own world, I love my family and love being with her, I just don't see why I should have to constantly make myself unhappy.

I'm not sure what advice I'm after to be honest, maybe I just want to write it down to see if I'm being unreasonable or not. I'm a bit bothered about me not wanting friends being used as a stick to beat me with when we argue. We won't break up, I just want her to bloody accept the fact I prefer my own company to that of friends.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 25/05/2014 20:10

Some people want to absorb their partners into their social/family life;
others just want their partner to themselves and are not interested in socialising. Neither is right or wrong, but it's not a very compatible dynamic in a relationship.

MrsWinnibago · 25/05/2014 20:12

I'm like you and my sociable and gregarious DH has has a hard time accepting it. BUt we have had to compromise. He wants me to go out with him and his friends and their wives now and then...so I do...just to please him really and so he feels I'm happy to share time with him...he's pleased when I do and then when I don't', he accepts it. Luckily the wives of his mates understand that I don't want to join them in their endless little "girly" get togethers and they don't mind either.

Fairylea · 25/05/2014 20:12

Sounds like she wants you to be part of her family. If you're always seeing them separately then she (and they) probably feel a bit snubbed especially as it's a relatively new relationship in lots of ways. If you're keen to keep hold of her maybe make an effort to socialise with her family and then she might back off on the whole friends thing too..?

Original poster

twilight17 · 25/05/2014 20:13

Everyone is right that it never is a two minute thing. It does turn into longer and has done every time we've popped in.

On Friday night, we had plans to go shopping after work. It was her Uncle's birthday so she left work early to go and attend his house where everyone was there as I said, well if you go from work rather than waiting for me we can go shopping quicker. She was fine with that. She knew I didn't want to go and accepted it, just yesterday is apparently a huge deal.

OP posts:

Original poster

twilight17 · 25/05/2014 20:17

Ahhh I know it's all about her family! She's desperate for me and them to get along like I'm family too.
When we first started going out, we both lived at home so inevitably I spent a lot of time there and built up a relationship with them which I really do still have now. Of course when we got the house it changed and I don't see them as much but text her Mum on an almost daily basis.

It's not so much about her family though, I guess it's her extended family, there's so bloody many of them! I have a very very small family and I'm not used to all these extra people!

OP posts:

wafflyversatile · 25/05/2014 20:18

Does she know that? That a massive and close extended family is a bit overwhelming for someone happy with having a little family?

Twinklestein · 25/05/2014 20:19

It's not yesterday that's the huge deal OP, it's the big difference in approaches to life and relationship that yesterday threw up at issue.

Twinklestein · 25/05/2014 20:19

at issue ^^

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/05/2014 20:23

If your preferences are a problem for your partner, it's a problem for the relationship, regardless of how relaxed or otherwise you may be about their preferences.

Fairylea · 25/05/2014 20:24

If she feels like you're always making excuses to avoid her family then when she suggests a short visit you say no that's why it's all blown up. She's feeling there is no way forward with this because it's clear to her you don't want to spend time with her family. She probably felt your illness was yet another excuse.

I'm not saying you're wrong. I'd feel the same, a massive extended family is my idea of hell but it's obviously massively important to her.

Original poster

twilight17 · 25/05/2014 20:30

It's all about compromise isn't it? Which I do do. On her birthday it's a work night so we can't really do anything but apparently it's her family tradition to go to her house and sit gossiping for the evening.
I'll be shattered after work but I'll still be there because it's super important, even if there's fifty people I want to.

Believe it or not we did have an agreement where I'd go to some events, just not all of them. I'm not avoiding her family I really was just feeling unwell!

I think the thread has gone off on a tangent though, it's not really about family as I deal with that in my own way. It's just getting her to see I don't want or need friends to make my life complete, but that doesn't mean she should have to feel a sense of responsibility towards me.

OP posts:

atelogus · 25/05/2014 20:31

Hmmmm

It's a tough one.

I gotta say, I wonder whether she is having doubts about you and looking to pin them onto "something"? The lack of friends is something she's picking on, but maybe she's looking for an out?

You've had a bit of a whirlwind romance, I mean less than a year is NOTHING: it's now that you're really checking out how well you mesh as people.

OD is great and I know loads of long term couples from it, but also I think the format can give rise to a lot of speedy relationships that sometimes don't have great basic compatibility, as in people get really happy to find someone who is attracted to them but then the emotional rollercoaster wears off..

I know couples who have one "thing" which isn't ideal, but because they're in no doubt that the other person is The Best Thing Ever, they overlook that "thing". This includes - like you - the guy being a bit introverted.

Original poster

twilight17 · 25/05/2014 20:36

We do talk constantly through things as we know we moved in quite quickly and we know it's been a massive whirlwind.

The whole having doubts thing isn't an issue on her part, she's actually very insecure about me, asking if I still love her, find her attractive, want to be with her. Most weeks I get told 'If you don't love me you know it's ok, I just need to know'. It's never that I don't show it at all, and I don't doubt her wanting to be together, or myself for that matter.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/05/2014 20:36

Any relationship is all about compromises but sometimes repeated compromise in an important area can lead to resentment, annoyance and make someone start to question whether it's worth it. Petty differences tend to magnify over time. If you're already in frequent arguments territory then it should be a concern.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/05/2014 20:38

I think the 'if you don't love me... ' thing is connected to this. She knows you are incompatible.

Twinklestein · 25/05/2014 20:42

It's just getting her to see I don't want or need friends to make my life complete

I'm not sure the problem is that she doesn't see that, but that it may not work for her.

Twinklestein · 25/05/2014 20:45

It sounds as if she measures how much you are into her by how much you are into the rest of her life.

Original poster

twilight17 · 25/05/2014 20:57

I really can see why people would think that she was questioning our relationship, I'm sure we both do and that's only natural. Especially with it being so soon.

However, I'm not into creating a problem where it isn't even there. We both want to be together. Of course I can't read her mind but this is the impression that's given on a constant basis by her and I have no reason to doubt that. Certainly, we hold an incompatibility in how we socialise away from each other. If all people gave up on their relationships at the first hurdle, nobody would be married for 20+ years. We need to find a relevant compromise, which I'm sure with lots of talking will certainly happen.

OP posts:

atelogus · 25/05/2014 20:57

We won't break up, I just want her to bloody accept the fact I prefer my own company to that of friends.

The two might be incompatible, I'm afraid? Sorry. There's no magic trick MN'ers can give you to make her agree with you.

That's the difference between being in a relationship and being single: you DON'T get "exactly the life I am determined to have, but with a woman/man thrown in".

I agree with Cog, the talks and her verbalising being insecure are red herrings. I dunno how old you are or what your relationship history is, but words - from men/women - are cheap.

I've probably "said" stuff like that in the past, but that didn't mean I felt I was bound heart and soul to the person I said them to. You haven't "got her for life" just because she's expressing certain sentiments now.

atelogus · 25/05/2014 20:59

Last post, last line: so why not FIND that compromise? Maybe agree to a set amount of time for socialising, but just expecting her to "bloody accept" your preferences isn't really feasible.

Twinklestein · 25/05/2014 21:08

But the problem is there, that's why you've posted a thread.

The compromising seems to be on her side, she has to accept you exactly as you are and you will not change your behaviour and habits. But she's entitled to do the same. If she wants a partner who is more involved in her social life and family, she may not want to compromise on that.

wafflyversatile · 25/05/2014 21:13

twinkle did you not read the thread. He has compromised.

Eastie77 · 25/05/2014 21:17

OP I posted a few weeks ago as my DP has virtually no friends and is perfectly happy, something I find really strange. He also has no time for his colleagues and never socialises with them. He has no personal issue with them but has no inclination to see them outside work.

Several people on the thread helped me to see things from his perspective i.e just because I view friends as necessary it doesn't mean that he has to. I do still sometimes struggle to understand how he can be genuinely happy without friends in his life (plus his entire family live abroad) but I'm getting there. Hopefully your partner will too as otherwise there will be long term problems ahead.

Incidentally my DP is fine visiting my family and friends. In fact he is the life and soul of the party when we go out. But I know ultimately he prefers to be with just me and our daughter and would happily miss social gatherings altogether.

Twinklestein · 25/05/2014 21:31

waffly of course I've read the thread. I think the OP thinks he/she has compromised more than he/she actually has. And I'm not sure that compromise is possible in the way he/she thinks it is.

Fairylea · 25/05/2014 21:32

The trouble is this is such a fundamental difference. Being very extrovert and being very introvert are very hard to merge comfortably in a relationship.

If you met in a club for example and had a brief conversation and she said she enjoys going out and being around her extended family all the time and you said you like being at home and don't really have any friends then you probably would have ended the chat up and moved on.

As it is you're two totally different people trying to make a relationship out of it.

I'm not being doom and gloom just for the sake of it but I genuinely don't see how either of you can be completely happy long term.

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