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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Good Friends and a child with SN

30 replies

Neverendingnemo · 25/05/2014 18:30

Wasn't sure where to post but decided to post in here. have NC.

I have 2 DC, one of them with SN (severe autism, LD, very complex and challenging, 5 years old) and one NT.

I have been deserted by a lot of so called good friends since having DS. Exclusively by friends with DC.

I had one really good friend. Knew her for a long time, way before the DC entered the scene. She has DC roughly the same age as mine. We used it meet up a lot, talk on the phone etc. By circumstance, we usually meet during the day with the DC as going out is difficult for both of us. Over the last years, our meetings got a ever more challenging. usually due to DS being difficult, tantrums, not getting in with her DC, fights between our DC (and I totally accept that the issue is my DS but it is the nature of his condition). Every single get together ended with a major meltdown (cue friend taking her DC and leaving quickly). For the past 6 months she withdrew more and more and now went NC with me (doesn't pick up the phone, ignores texts and whatsapp). I know she has got my messages, and I also know for sure that she is fine.

The same kind of thing has happened with other friends before. I try not to be judgemental as I don't know for sure if I would not do the same if the situation would be the other way round.

But I just don't get it. Is it really too much to ask to put up with the occasional meltdown once in a while? Do people really drop friends because of a child with (in that case complex and challenging) SN?

Just trying to make sense of it all.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 25/05/2014 18:33

Has your child hurt their child in the past? And if so, what has your reaction been to that?

Original poster

Neverendingnemo · 25/05/2014 18:38

DS is challenging but not aggressive. he never hurt or attacked any of her DC.

OP posts:

Smo2 · 25/05/2014 18:39

Yes, they do, and I'm sorry :( I wish people were more tolerant. Xx

Original poster

Neverendingnemo · 25/05/2014 18:44

OP posts:

Jellybellymummyofsix · 25/05/2014 18:45

Yes people do drop friends due to dc having SNs.

My ds is 9. I have a younger ds & made friends with mums from his class bit about a year ago the younger ds started to display behaviour indicative of ASD. Hest currently being assessed. None of the mums answer my texts etc. Ds has been invited to 1 party this year.

It's incredibly lonely...

Jellybellymummyofsix · 25/05/2014 18:46

Sorry on phone...Feeding wiggly baby!

Smilesandpiles · 25/05/2014 18:46

Another one here who has children like yours and yes, I've lost friends because of their lack of tolerance.

You'll get used to it and think of it as a quick way to identify those who are not worth the effort or just using you compared to the ones who don't. Like a filter.

Original poster

Neverendingnemo · 25/05/2014 18:50

I know its a filter. and I was fine with losing the others. bit I am so incredibly upset about her. she was such s good friend and meant a lot to me. never thought she would do it as well.

OP posts:

Smilesandpiles · 25/05/2014 18:57

She's not a good friend though is she?

She's let you down big time.

You are hurt, confused and grieving for a lost friendship. You will get over this in time but it's going to hurt like hell for a while yet. Unfortunately, this will also make you a lot more reserved in future and won't let anyone in as quickly.

kirako · 25/05/2014 19:04

It sounds like your best chance of continuing a friendship with this woman is spending time together without the children. Have you suggested that?

If every meet up was stressful and culminated in a meltdown then I think it's understandable that she, or her child, may have been upset afterward. I think it's reasonable to avoid putting her young child in that position if the upset seemed inevitable. She hasn't handled it well by ignoring your messages, maybe she didn't know how to explain things and its got harder over time.

Whether you can repair your relationship or not, I hope the situation can be resolved so you all feel more comfortable with the result.

Morgause · 25/05/2014 19:05

It is very difficult. I have a family member far along the Autism spectrum and it can be difficult. He is 2 years older than my oldest DS and when they were little his behaviour frightened DS1. He did get used to his ways but there were some awkward moments.

Sis and bro in law were very understanding and kept a careful eye on him and his interaction with my DSs. As they got older they rubbed along fine.

I have to confess I did sidle out of the life of an acquaintance with a DS at the same nursery as DS2. We occasionally used to meet away from nursery but she made no attempt to intervene when her DS was violent or hurt my DS. She shrugged and said that's just how he was. DS2 was thoroughly fed up so we declined invitations.

LeftyLoony · 25/05/2014 19:09

It's not fair, it sucks and yes you do get horrendously socially isolated in this position. All 3 of my kids have various SN.

I met some other people in a similar situation on here would you believe and they are my friends (not mnsn currently).

Don't see them much but don't feel quite so lonely....

QuintessentiallyQS · 25/05/2014 19:09

Going out on a limb here, did you ever meet up with her without children? Evening out? Drinks? Cinema?

Was your friendship based only around the children playing together? If so, if this was the only basis of the friendship, her child and your child not playing well together may be the reason she has withdrawn. My bet is that she would have withdrawn from playdates her child did not enjoy, whether there was a SN involved or not.

Original poster

Neverendingnemo · 25/05/2014 19:24

we know each other for a long time, well before we had DC. we are both LP without family nearby and both working. so evenings out without DC or meeting during the school hours are not possible.

OP posts:

kirako · 25/05/2014 19:37

It seems you have to decide whether you want a friendship just between the adults. If that's enough then maybe talking generally, without mentioning meeting up, either on the phone or by text or email is your best bet.

Original poster

Neverendingnemo · 25/05/2014 19:50

I am just so upset that a good friend could dump me like that just because of a DC with SN.

meeting without DC is difficult and tbh, I don't think I could continue that 'friendship' in any case.

I hate my life. I am so fucking isolated.. DS did not choose to have asd. why on earth can't people be a bit more tolerant and understanding

OP posts:

kirako · 25/05/2014 20:32

In my case I like seeing friends and not talking or thinking about my role as a carer during that time, as that dominates the rest of my day while seeing friends is light relief. I think tolerance works both ways and part of that is understanding that others have their own stresses etc too.
From what you've written in your OP about meet ups involving the children fighting and having meltdowns, surely you can understand why your friend / her children didn't want to continue like that? If you aren't interested in being friends with the mum unless your children meet up too then I'm not sure what else she could do.

Original poster

Neverendingnemo · 25/05/2014 20:44

kirako,seems you have a good support network if you can socialise without DC. I cannot. I am either at work or a carer but thanks for being honest.

OP posts:

kirako · 25/05/2014 20:57

Not really a good support network, an ex!
Anyway I was just giving another perspective.

Onesleeptillwembley · 25/05/2014 20:59

It's a shame, but at the end of the day if their dc's are being bade unhappy by the situation, as you said, then it is untenable. Their children are their priority, as you DV are yours. Tolerance is fantastic, but not to the extent that it's unnecessarily upsetting children.
Could you not meet up separately?

Onesleeptillwembley · 25/05/2014 21:02

Sorry, I meant to add - friendship cuts both ways. If you can't accept that her children's feelings also matter then you're not much of a friend either, IF that's the case, not saying it is.

CoffeeTea103 · 25/05/2014 21:40

Sorry op it must seem very unfair and hurtful. I think that she is also protecting her child as well which is fair enough. How else do you think should she have handled this situation?

crispyporkbelly · 25/05/2014 21:51

:( I feel like I will be you in the future as ds is displaying signs of it and its hard taking him to social things already.

How shit for you, op.

Have you tried posting on a ASD forum maybe? I know they do meet ups? Might be easier hanging out with people who know what you're going through.

My sister did this as her ds is disabled. She found the pressure was off as you didn't have to explain/excuse your child all the time.

Original poster

Neverendingnemo · 25/05/2014 22:02

her DC never got hurt. we only met 1-2 a month for about 2h. so not a great amount of time and DS is not melting down non stop and keeps to himself most of the time.

as we don't meet a lot, I would have thought a good friend would be understanding enough to suck that up. also, what does it teach her DC about tolerance and acceptance of people with disabilities?

I also have a Dd (NT) who gets n really well with her DC.the situation is tough for her too.

anyways, checking out now. had a really shit day

OP posts:

kirako · 25/05/2014 22:08

Fair enough if you want a moan, people are just trying to be helpful but maybe today's not the right day for that. Has anything in particular happened today to make you post about it now?

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