Good Friends and a child with SN

[Neverendingnemo]

Wasn't sure where to post but decided to post in here. have NC.

I have 2 DC, one of them with SN (severe autism, LD, very complex and challenging, 5 years old) and one NT.

I have been deserted by a lot of so called good friends since having DS. Exclusively by friends with DC.

I had one really good friend. Knew her for a long time, way before the DC entered the scene. She has DC roughly the same age as mine. We used it meet up a lot, talk on the phone etc. By circumstance, we usually meet during the day with the DC as going out is difficult for both of us. Over the last years, our meetings got a ever more challenging. usually due to DS being difficult, tantrums, not getting in with her DC, fights between our DC (and I totally accept that the issue is my DS but it is the nature of his condition). Every single get together ended with a major meltdown (cue friend taking her DC and leaving quickly). For the past 6 months she withdrew more and more and now went NC with me (doesn't pick up the phone, ignores texts and whatsapp). I know she has got my messages, and I also know for sure that she is fine.

The same kind of thing has happened with other friends before. I try not to be judgemental as I don't know for sure if I would not do the same if the situation would be the other way round.

But I just don't get it. Is it really too much to ask to put up with the occasional meltdown once in a while? Do people really drop friends because of a child with (in that case complex and challenging) SN?

Just trying to make sense of it all.

When children are very young, their friends are, more often than not, the children of their parents' friends. As they get older, I'm afraid the reality is that they start to make their own decisions about who they want to be friends with, and it doesn't always follow that they're happy to tag along with the children of the people you socialise with. This is regardless of whether or not a child has SN. It does become increasingly difficult to force friendship on a child, and sadly this can put pressure on the adult friendships.

I was put in some very awkward situations by my dc just not being happy to be thrown together with children they basically didn't like, and I'm sure the same has been true with regard to them, too! I was never the one to break off friendships, but I was dumped on several occasions after party invitations were not extended to friends' dc by mine.

If she has been such a good friend in the past, I think it's a bit off of her to withdraw from you without any discussion; OK it's going to be an awkward conversation but I think you deserve it.

One of the things it's hard for outsiders to see is how isolating parenting a child with SN can be, and as a result how reliant you are on those few adult friendships that you can sustain through the maelstrom. For her, you're just one friend amongst many and drifting apart isn't a big deal. For you, she's the one rat you didn't expect to leave the sinking ship. Of course you're taking it hard.

To be honest, though, I think you have to expect the "norms" to have problems meeting up with kids. DD2 is fairly tolerant of weird behaviour, after 8 years living with DD1. Still, when we go to DD1's school she will cling to me if approached by any of the other kids - they are weird in ways she's not acclimatised to. And at least I can explain their behaviour so she sees that it's all normal - ie normal for them. Your friend won't have a clue how to help her DCs cope with the meltdowns.

Can you not meet up when your DC is in school? Or is there some club at the weekends they can attend which would give you an hour or so? I think you can still rescue this friendship and tbh as her DCs get older they will both become mature enough to understand and also more likely to be doing clubs etc. which give her some child-free time where you can meet without her worrying. So though many things won't get easier, this particular aspect probably will, if you can somehow hold the friendship together in the meantime.

Can I add that there is hope? I have 4 DSs and some other parents were very understanding once they'd experienced an afternoon with me coping with DS2's behaviour ( he has SN, same diagnoses as your DS). The parents who didn't ditch me are lovely, lovely people. Now DS2 is 20 and lives away from home we remember the tough times like you describe and laugh at how we coped. Best wishes.

I'd agree with Mrs Ruff - around the age of 5 kids can have strong opinions on who they want to play with, perhaps your friend is embarrassed that her DS has decided this & doesn't know how to respond to you, given you both meet up with kids. I know that I found it harder to meet MY friends after this time (eg those I made when we were new mums) if my DS didn't feel he knew them well enough, or didn't feel comfortable with them. My DS has Aspergers, we go to an autism play scheme once a month which he enjoys and where we can meet other parents of DC in similar situations. Any groups like that in your area? The National Autistic Society may know if there are. Forums are also a great way of connecting and finding support.

It's difficult. I have a son with ASD. He went to the local ms school and then we moved him to a special school. Some parents are lovely and ask me how he is and how he is doing. Most look the other way, it feels a bit like that thing where someone has died and people cross the road to avoid you. I don't think it's malicious, people just don't know what to say. Tbh I have stopped making eye contact and smiling at people now too because I can't be bothered with them! I still have my original friends though mostly. To look at it another way though, I have instigated with some friends that we meet without my child with ASD (I have two children) as their children don't get his disability and wind him up, so I find it easier to arrange a day where I go out with them and my other child and my OH takes my son to do something lovely like swimming and then it's not an issue. I feel for my other child though, I have definitely noticed some parents steer their kids away from him due to my other son (maybe they think it is contagious?!!) but his best friends remain so and some kids come to play and are totally fab with his brother and others are terrible, and I probably discriminate a bit myself and don't invite those ones round so often! As he gets older and more independent with his relationships I think he might discriminate the same way, so his brother will be a good filter for getting rid of crap friends!! It does hurt, I do get where you are coming from. It makes life really bloody difficult every day.