Definitive list of red flags

[kirsten123]

Hi all,

Looking back now, I can see I ignored a lot of red flags in my last relationship. Is there a definitive list of red flags to look out for or should we start our own list?

Mine would be:

• treats/talks about his family disrespectfully
• talks about his ex-girlfriend disrespectfully
• many grand OTT romantic gestures very early on
• pushes for commitment/sexual intimacy very early on
• insults you (eg your weight)
• distances you from your friends/family
• nasty when drunk
• blows hot and cold
• does not follow through on promises
• workaholic
• does not tell you where he is going yet wants to know where you are all the time
• secretive re finances

-says things like "I hope you're not one of those women who..." or "I hope you're not like my ex, she..." - basically warning you how he expects you to be. It's usually coupled with punishment for not behaving the way he wants.
-hinting at having a bad temper, or the ability to get violent - this is to make you a little bit scared, so you don't dare "make him angry."
-sexist or misogynistic views, often expressed as "jokes."
-treating shop keepers, waiting staff and other service people with disrespect

Good thread!

= has no friends
= loves his Mum a bit too much
= talks about money all the time - the cost of things
= says he loves you very early on
= talks in a derogatory way about past loves

I have more but don't want to take over

Is madly in love with you immediately,

Knows you are vulnerable from previous awful relationship and preys on your vulnerability,

Very, very quick to temper, blows up with neighbours, people in carparks, street, etc..

Incredibly nasty drunk,

Gets you pregnant immediately,

Doesn't have a good word to say about anyone else, makes out it is you and him against the world,

Harps on about how awful their past was and uses that to justify their own terrible behaviour and misery,

Lets you spend your own money on everything and hardly puts hand in pocket then makes grand, expensive, stupidly flamboyant gestures.

It's not 'red flags' exactly but there's a good list of possible early warning signs in this article entitled Are You Dating An Abuser?. It's always a judgement call so not wise to be too simplistic but there do seem to be some common themes.

Well I think that some of these are not red flags on their own (otherwise not many people would be meeting the gold standard).

I think there's a difference between BRIGHT RED fiery flaming flags, such as insulting you, being nasty when drunk (or sober), preying on your vulnerability or disregarding your opinions, wishes and feelings. Any one of these is a signal to get out. Right now, before it goes further.

Then there are some REDDISH / ORANGE flags, such as being a workaholic, being secretive about finance (or preoccupied with money and cost), or talking about people disrespectfully. These are something to look out for but probably need to be considered in context. For example after being in a financially abusive relationship previously you might expect that person to exhibit some extreme behaviour around finance - which might be secretive, or expecting too early integration of finance, or being wary about things are apportioned.

And then there are AMBER flags, which on their own can be a part of a normal, healthy, long-term relationship, but which if there is a collection of them become overlaid and become red. So an early declaration of love, could simply be due to overwhelming enthusiasm But put it together with being possessive, wanting to know where you are, criticising your friends / family etc, and they start to become a more significant warning sign.

It is difficult because we are all humans, with our own peculiarities and preferences, and part of creating a relationship with someone else means we have to trust, compromise, accept people's 'faults and foibles. And each of us need to work out what we can tolerate in terms of the 'flags' and what we can't.

Honestly, if Mumsnet had only existed when I was in my early 20s, I would not have wasted 5 years of my life with ExP, utterly miserable for most of them. Mine (in massive mumsnetty enlightenment hindsight):

• incredibly stingy/controlling about money, even while earning 3 times what I did. Borderline financially abusive in fact. He lived in my flat (woe betide me if I ever referred to it as mine - though THANK FUCK IT WAS, DICK) and instead of organising a standing order would make me beg ask for the piffling little amount of rent every month. Then he would ask for a break down (same every month! Rent, council tax, utilities) and grudgingly give it to me. The amount I asked for from him per month was less than he'd regularly spend on a night out gambling with his workmates. He soon got his eyes opened when I chucked him out and he had to buy his own place, wow was he shocked at the cost of living.
• horribly jealous, throwing ridiculous accusations around. Screaming at me in pubs because a man looked at me (not the other way round - not that that matters) and I must have done something to attract attention. Of course he was cheating! Need you ask.
• isolated me from friends, especially male friends
• got his friends to 'spy' on me. He worked away and would cross examine me on his return to make sure my story matched what he'd been told
• nasty drunk
• never ever knew where I stood with him, blew hot and cold constantly
• never did what he said he was going to do. Couldn't rely on him for basic things.
• obsessed with my 'past' with men. Would make me go over and over how many men I'd slept with before him, in what order, and how long between each relationship, every detail. Then would get angry and call me a slag. There were 5 men! God sakes. That helped keep the stupid conversations short at least

Ahhh, this is cathartic. All the other shit he used to do wouldn't really count as a red flag, just him being an arsehole. Is there a brown flag for arsehole?

Brown flag

Any nastiness at all towards your children.

Any "jokes" which are actually about putting you down for any reason at all, but if you call them on it you are humourless and overreacting.

I'd walk the very first time I was on the receiving end of one of these in a relationship based on my experience with my ex H. It is indicative of their whole attitude.

Another thumbs up for Brown Flag

I liked this list when I was re-evaluating my relationship. I'm definitely giving a copy to my DCs - but hopefully by then I'll have taught them enough that they won't need it.

• a man who treats animals badly/ disrespectfully is never a good person IMO. An animal reflection of the waitress test.
• put downs disguised as jokes
• jealousy. Of friends/ boyfriends/ time anything- jealousy is an ugly and rather controlling emotion IMO.

Oh god the put downs described as jokes , just terrible

I agree with whoever said I would only need to hear one before walking away in the future

Also 'pet names' which are put downs in disguise

Definitely.... I knew my ex-BIL was a Class A wanker when he 'lovingly' referred to his DW as 'the tart'.

• uses a "bad childhood" as an excuse for ongoing bad behaviour.

A basically good man can still from time to time do things which are pretty shitty.

The 'red flag' is when you are having to make excuses (to others AND to yourself) over and over again about what he does. It's the 'frog boiling' scenario. Instead of things being properly resolved when something goes wrong, it's a whole series of little compromises at your expense that mount up imperceptibly.

"Gets you pregnant" - seriously?? Like you've no choice in the matter.

I think some of these are red herrings, not red flags.

Very disrespectful towards his mother

Proposes very early on

Raises his voice a lot

Loves you to pieces one minute, then doesn't seem to even know who you really are the next and is very disrespectful generally.

Dismisses your dreams

Gives you 'that look'when you've pissed him off

WipsGlitter
"Gets you pregnant" - seriously?? Like you've no choice in the matter.

lol I though that too - sounds like a naive milking maid getting jumped by the farmers randy son.

takes no responsibility for their part in any previous disappointments/disasters. EG business failed? I was robbed, poor me. Relationship failed? She was a bitch, poor me. Doesn't see his children? She stopped me, poor me... etc.

Takes credit for things that couldn't reasonably have been down to them on their own. EG paying off enormous debts for a past girlfriend or family member (while not seeming to have any sort of income and being a lazy toad...)

Treats you like you're a goddess one second, and practically non-existent the next.

Comparing you to other women to keep you feeling insecure.
"Look at her hair, you should do yours like that."
"Why don't you wear things like that?"
And when you dare speak up about how uncomfortable it makes you, you get "I just want you to feel good about yourself, I'm trying to help you!"

Er, I DID feel good about myself, dickhead, before you started.

For my cuntish ex, he loved the "slutty goth" look (sorry, don't know how else to describe) which I actually find really attractive but I would look shit in that style. Whenever he met women who had that image though he was all over them like a rash and my heart sank.

Ohhh good thread, it's actually made me think....

• disrespects me in private or in front of others

• makes no effort with my friends

• any form of jealous in any shape or form

• dislikes children

• money orientated

• talks about himself and never listens. Always turns the convo onto himself

• tells me how to do things

Doesn't want you to meet any of his family or childhood friends. Massive red flag which seems so stupidly obvious now (although I think I knew it was a red flag at the time, I just ignored it).

Which is the most important thing really - you can list all sorts of red flags, but learning to trust your instincts is the key. Women are constantly doubting themselves, but a woman's instinct is rarely wrong.