Definitive list of red flags

[kirsten123]

Hi all,

Looking back now, I can see I ignored a lot of red flags in my last relationship. Is there a definitive list of red flags to look out for or should we start our own list?

Mine would be:

• treats/talks about his family disrespectfully
• talks about his ex-girlfriend disrespectfully
• many grand OTT romantic gestures very early on
• pushes for commitment/sexual intimacy very early on
• insults you (eg your weight)
• distances you from your friends/family
• nasty when drunk
• blows hot and cold
• does not follow through on promises
• workaholic
• does not tell you where he is going yet wants to know where you are all the time
• secretive re finances

And you said it yourself in your OP Kirsten - it's not that you didn't notice the red flags, it's that you ignored them.

-No job or proper work (no employer has ever recognised how wonderful he was) and is proud of living on no money
-"she is just a friend" about a woman he seems to spend a lot of time with
-enjoys talking about the "friend's" difficulty with seeing the new relationship with you
-has a harem of exes that still seem to want to hang around with him
-treats animals better than people
-declares himself to be a "national socialist"- really, my blood ran cold when I heard this and thought it was a joke- it wasn't
-slags off anyone who has anything he wants but can't have
-slags off anyone who does not fawn all over him
-proudly regales tales of nasty sexual exploits with friends, exes and one night stands
-flies into rages about trivial matters
-uses the silent treatment
-leaves parties and dinners if he is not the centre of attention
-has cruel and nasty nicknames for exes
-keeps photos of exes (ones she would not want you to see) on his Ipad and looks at them whilst you are cooking for him, shows them to his friends whilst you are cooking
-has never had a successful relationship that just ended normally
-wants his parents dead so he can have his inheritance
-wont drive (so he can drink)
-uses grandiose and odd language that seems endearing at first
-declares you to be the love of his live within a week
-friends warn you that he is a chancer

These were all there in the first few weeks of my relationship with a narc. I thought they were all trivial at first. But they grew and grew and I realised that this was one sick man. Luckly I googled his behaviour and lo! My gut feelings were right- I was dealing with something that was textbook narc. It only took 9 months for me to finally get out, I was lucky, this one has destroyed the lives of too many women in my city.

If you live in the Bristol or the South of France, beware- he is currently on the prowl there. To look a narcissist in the eye is the beginning of losing a part of yourself…they take so much – they take as much as they can and then they leave the shell of their victim behind. I had a lucky escape.

Takes "no" as a cue to say "Oh go on, pleeeease, it'll be fun" or "God, no one's EVER tried to stop me doing that before". This specimen was the first person I ever had sex with. :(

Luckily for me I moved away to uni and he wasn't interested in visiting me, just in leaving me random voicemails threatening suicide, refusing to pick up the phone and then surfacing months later to tell me I'd overreacted massively.

snooping or lack of respect for personal space - ie first visits to you at home doesn't known not to pick up your personal items and look through them without asking.

Sulking - under any circumstance - particularly be aware of sulkers who make their sulking about you, 'its because I like you so much I just cant help being .....'

• terrible in bed and won't open up so you can discuss what you like/don't like
• tells you that he wishes he had gone out with a really 'fit' girl who his friends fancied
• telling you you will never be beautiful

Agree with wipsglitter. Gets you pregnant immediately - oh please. Some of these aren't really red flags just bad experiences people have had.

This is such a great list, I'm nodding vigourously as I'm reading!

Also, JonSnowKnowsNothing and orangefusion, I think you've both dated my ex!

Actually, the pregnancy one is not such a red herring- mine was obsessed by pregnancy and pregnant women, by the idea of his seed producing mini-hims and one of his favourite words was (is) "fecund".

When he realised that he was firing blanks he began to hate all pregnant women. He would growl at them when walking down the street and moan that they were overpopulating the planet. At the same time he was looking at pregnant woman porn on the internet. A real sicko.

Some red flags I've experienced:

• wanting sex early on (2nd date)
• turning up for 2nd date drunk - different bloke!
• disrespectful of women eg commenting on weight/size/looks
• not being up-front about being in touch with many exes
• debt & no good reason for it (just over-spending)
• addicted to work
• big gestures eg booking a hotel room & wanting to take me away to it for 3rd date

-.not making an effort for my friends & family, yet expecting me to for his

• refusing to stop driving so I could have something to drink - we'd been out all day. & I was thirsty - didn't consider my needs
• went on negatively about pet cats - FFS - despite knowing I liked them & had one as a child.

has a harem of exes that still seem to want to hang around with him

Absolutely. Thats why I have always thought Simon Cowell is a complete tosser. Would like to wipe the smirk off his face when Sinetta, and all those babe's are buzzing round him

=reacts badly when you disagree about something or don't go along with something - including sex

=tries too hard (something to hide?)

=doesn't know you /tries to slot you into his preconceived idea of his gf or notion of what a woman is like. Makes you feel that you are not an individual.

Yes to sulking. Sulking and silent treatment are two things I never, ever want to put up with again, especially when with:
Cold voice
Pebbly eyes
Any kind of double standard.
Anything that makes you adjust your natural behaviour or second guess yourself before speaking.
Tales of childhood violence.
Hugely verbose and articulate- yet afterwards you can't pin down a single, actual thing they agreed to or firmly said.
'Conversations' that leave you feeling exhausted, headachy and as if someone has been repeatedly smacking you round the head.

I think it's all in how it makes you feel, too. I realised my throat would constrict around him, I'd get panicky, like an icy rush down my chest if I saw he was going to 'go', I had facial rashes, coughs, colds, sore throats, shingles... If you're ill all the time when you're usually healthy that's a sure red flag!

oh I totally agree with the throat constricting and panicky feeling, I always felt slightly sick when near him too. Should have listened to my instincts - they were spot on.

The sulking - oh it was interminable. Oh and the walking on eggshells - couldn't even ask him to move a tea towel in case he took offence and blew up - he was so insecure anything you said was a personal attack - even if you asked him to pass the salt in the 'wrong way' you would be in trouble.

the fact that she lied about trivial things