I burn my genitals.

[Imsuchamess]

I am a sexual abuse victim and have scizoaffective which manifest in me behaving promiscuous in a very degrading manner. I seek out abusive men to abuse and degrade me then afterwords I feel so disgusted with myself I punish myself by stubbing cigarettes out on my upper things and vagina. This is something a abusive ex did to punish promiscuity and since I left him I carried on the tradition.

STOP Please, please PLEASE stop
Please seek professional help. You are worth more than this.
Imagine your own little girl doing this to herself. She doesn't deserve it and neither do you.
You are worth loving, once you 'heal' you'll be in the right frame of mind to find a loving partner who cherishes you.

You need professional help OP and very urgently. In the meantime, perhaps you could call Samaritans. 08457 909090

I am going to ask for further therapy. No I wouldn't want either of my daughters to do this.

I think you need more urgent care than therapy alone, possibly medication so that you can be stabilised, and it wouldn't be out of place to turn up at A&E and ask to be admitted. You're harming yourself.

I just feel so dirty and I do have a loving partner who refuses to mistreat me so I am promiscuous as that is where my psychosis centers and being a abuse victim hypersexual and psychotic is not a good mix. Then I feel guilty disgusting and hate myself. So I burn as it makes me feel like I've been punished for my behaviour I only do it if I have done something promiscuous.

Hello imsuch are you needing to do this at the moment love?

If I go to A and E they will want to examine me. I don't even let my husband see me if I have burned myself as I feel so ashamed.

Just until you can get some more help, can you try less harmful techniques for release?
Keep posting here too.
Dies the urge pass after a while?

As soon as I start burning I feel relief like the negative feelings are washing away. I am careful not to burn any important bits and stick to the triangle bit and outer labia. I never burn the more delicate bits that could cause serious harm. I don't know any other coping techniques.

Even though people here can provide moral support that's all they can do. Telling us won't help you either stop self-harming or get treatment for the psychosis. There's nothing to be ashamed of in being ill but only the people at the hospital will be able to help you

If I go to crisis ( I have a open pass) will they be able to force me to be examined?

Well you can do something less damaging like ice or flicking with an elastic band or pulling the hair or pinching the skin, anything to get the feeling you crave with no lasting damage.
That said you have a long weekend so a and e might be an idea too, the crisis team can be called.
Are you under mental health services?
Are you on any medication?

No they won't, so go now. Do you have anyone to come?
Just say you feel dreadful if you don't want to say.

Do your injuries need treatment though?

No-one can force you to do anything against your will. They may try to persuade you to have treatment but they can't make you do anything you don't want to. Please go to Crisis. You need to be with real people with real skills

My burns will be fine. They will scab over and heal. I will go to crisis at 8 when my husband wakes up.

Well done.
What will you do until then?
Do you have children?

Yes I have children I have three they are all sleeping.

I'm just researching meds ATM as my current ones have never worked but my previous ones did so I'm looking for some I'd be happy to take.

I am going to ask about risperidone. I like the sound of it I would have preferred Geodon but it's not done in this country.

The main thing is to take your meds regularly and for a good period of time, don't stop when you feel better yiu need to take them for ages after.
You can sort this you know, don't allow your abuser to carry on abusing you and affecting your life in this way.
Approach getting well with determination and curiosity.
It must take some guts to self harm so drastically, direct that towards making your life better.

Thank you. My husband is also going to pay for private therapy as My psychiatrist focuses on my illness. My husband feels that I need someone to focus on the psychological damage I have sustained.

Iamsuchamess well done on seeking help from professionals.

I wish you the very best on your journey to recovery. You are worth so much more than you are allowing yourself to be.

Lovely that your husband is supportive, he must love you very much.
Keep us posted on how you get on today.

Ok thanks for the support everyone.

Still here, update when you can, none of this is your fault.