I burn my genitals.

[Imsuchamess]

I am a sexual abuse victim and have scizoaffective which manifest in me behaving promiscuous in a very degrading manner. I seek out abusive men to abuse and degrade me then afterwords I feel so disgusted with myself I punish myself by stubbing cigarettes out on my upper things and vagina. This is something a abusive ex did to punish promiscuity and since I left him I carried on the tradition.

I've seen crisis they have made me a appointment with my psychiatrist ( he runs the clinic on Thursdays) so I have a appointment for Thursday. On my way home now. But my psychiatrist is useless and refuses to change my meds so I'm going to ask to see a new doctor Monday. I was on olanzapine and perfectly stable but I was gaining weight at a rate of 1 stone a month so was switched to Abilify. That was a year ago I immediately became unwell and my cpn had to arrange a emergency appointment. My psychiatrist was on holiday so I had to change doctor. This new doctor downright refuses to change my medication. Even though I have been I'll for a year had two failed suicide attempts. He has refused me the service of a cpn. When I went to crisis the psychiatrist said with my symptoms I need a stronger anti pysch and mood stabiliser. She suggested risperidone and lithium and took the initial tests required.

My psychiatrist went nuts at me saying he doesn't appreciate being told how to treat his patients. So I am going to ask to change psychiatrist to one who will change my meds to something that works.

That sounds like a great idea and a decent cpn coukd make all the difference (I was one) so you have a good plan.
What are you going to do to get through today and tomorrow?

I don't know I feel a little calmer now I've self harmed. At the moment I feel a little better. My husband is aware and fussing as usual. We have been talking about my feelings and he is going to come with me to change my doctor. If you are a cpn do you know if my partner can change my doctor for me? Also if he does can my psychiatrist tell him anything about my case or things we have discussed? I'm a little nervous because I've discussed something with my psychiatrist that I haven't felt able to discuss with my husband.

I have been hearing voices saying I'm going to abuse my children and saying I'm going to do horrid things to them so I should kill myself first before I do something. I'm not ready to tell my partner this but my psychiatrist is under the delusion I have told him. So I'm worried he will tell my husband before I have a chance too.

If he does tell your partner he is in breach of confidentiality and could be reprimanded - assuming someone told their partner isn't enough. I had this chat with a psychologist when I was a teen.

The voices suggest to me too that you are on the wrong mess as psychosis isn't being treated properly if the voices are still strong.

I'm not sure about partners changing doctors though but even if not he'll be a great support to you.

Just thought I'd post and show my support. You are making the right steps here.

Thanks iirc I don't know why but I keep shaking. My hands and my legs. It's quite disconcerting.

It's nerves. A lot of self harm is about regaining control of your life and body after abuse or a traumatic event. It's basically saying the abuser or event doesn't have control A- you do. But it's learning to have regular control. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.

Oh I am so sorry to read that you are going through this. I have bipolar and my DH is my advocate when I don't feel strong enough to put up a fight or when I am not sure of my behaviour. Your husband can absolutely help you request the change in psychiatrist and push it through for you - is he down as your main carer (for want of a better expression)?

You need a doctor you can trust which is half the battle. I am currently pg and at 7 weeks had a horrendous psychotic episode after a terrible time with a useless gynaecologist who didn't understand my condition. DH put in an official complaint to the hospital and fortunately my care was transferred elsewhere.

When I started lithium it was life changing in such a positive way. We have different conditions I know, but to get the medication sorted will be such a weight off your mind. My advice would be don't worry about weight. Get your mind into a healthy place first. You are definitely on the wrong medication.

Make a plan of action with DH as to what your next steps are and what you want out of your appointments. I always make a list of things to talk about so I don't forget.

Your gp can help push for a change in psychiatrist too. They are always there if you need to speak to someone. Do you trust your gp?

It must be hard but do try and be open with your DH. He sounds very supportive, non judgemental and will help talk you away from the voices. I know those voices all too well and it took time - but I tell DH now everything and he helps me realise it is OK. You are a good mum and you won't hurt your children.

My final point is absolutely yes to addressing the psychological aspects of what you have. I had intensive psychotherapy which was amazingly beneficial (I have borderline personality disorder traits). Talking therapy is really effective and a completely safe place to explore your anxieties and previous traumatic experiences. You are very right when you say it's not just a medical condition but a psychological one as well.

I do hope you are feeling better by now.

Thanks both. I no longer care about weight gain but I am dubious of meds that cause hair loss as I experienced dreadful hair loss with depakote ( I was on this the same time as olanzapine) and my hair is only now starting to look normal. It was coming out in handfuls. I would be happy to take lithium.

I don't care about side effects anymore social services are involved with my children ( child in need not child protection) because I've been so I'll. I stopped cleaning and I was scared to take them to school believing a peadophile would abduct them. Plus as I have a autistic daughter I have Mia involvement and she came round and I hadn't bathed ina fortnight or left the house or brushed my teeth or done any cleaning. All I had done is sat there and sometimes I wasn't even able to speak it was like I had forgotton how to.