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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to move on and am utterly failing...

42 replies

BigGripRequired · 23/05/2014 22:22

Without providing too much detail (I know some RL friends who post here who would recognise me in an instance) but I separated from my husband last year, his choice. He has moved on quickly and fully - is now in a very serious new relationship which includes our children. This is very likely not a new relationship he just wasn't quite caught out.

I remain bitter, angry, hurt, lonely, vindictive and broken. I need to get a fucking grip and quickly. But just can't seem to do it. I have done the drinking too much and not eating phase; the back on the fags and not sleeping phase, the be kind to myself, eat well, exercise and sleep regular phase and I remain a mess. How on earth to do I get some form of control back?

I am now in grave danger of starting to affect the children because I just can't let go and move on. Although I don't mean let go off him as I don't want him back at all. Not who he is now. But I can't let go of the what could have should have been - which we both managed to arse up to be fair.

OP posts:
frames · 23/05/2014 22:25

Be a bit kinder to yourself. Its only a year. How long were you with ex?

brokenhearted55a · 23/05/2014 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BigGripRequired · 23/05/2014 22:30

19 years in total. A decent amount of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGripRequired · 23/05/2014 22:33

It is utterly shite Broken is it not Sad

I know I am being irrational, that I have lost perspective but just keep on the same destructive path of over-thinking and obsessing about what i would say/ should have said / will say.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 23/05/2014 22:35

If its any consolation, it took me a year and a half to get over the same thing happening after a 4 year relationship. Anger is good, just don't let it consume you. Get busy, do anything but keep it away from your children, you're the adult.

frames · 23/05/2014 22:36

Oh! Biggrip...letting go after 19 years is hard, its OK to be where you are now, you will get there in your own time, and tbh your ex has moved on so quickly....too quickly..but mine has too, guys seem to

somedizzywhore1804 · 23/05/2014 22:38

I didn't have kids but was left suddenly by a man I really loved and I was all the things you describe for a long time. The bitterness was particularly terrible and at times, all consuming.

My only advice, and it's not even really advice, is that in the end it will pass and you will feel normal and unbroken again. It will probably take a while. It may even take a long time. It's okay to be angry and get yourself some therapy on some antidepressants if you need them. These were the two ultimate steps that helped me.

Original poster
BigGripRequired · 23/05/2014 22:48

Tinks I know I need to keep it away from the children but am also aware that I am in danger of failing to do so hence looking for advice.

I can't seem to control the immediate response of he says black i say white. I can't accept his girlfriend, I can't abide her having a part in my children's lives. But of course I have no choice or control over this so must learn to.

And I guess that is my question what can I do to help me accept this; or at the very least be able to put a brave face on it and react rationally to ensure the children don't suffer.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 23/05/2014 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BigGripRequired · 23/05/2014 22:51

I am scared of anti-depressants but would they stop the constant over thinking and playing back of things?

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGripRequired · 23/05/2014 22:52

x-post broken sorry.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 23/05/2014 22:55

Not sure anyone has any answer to that question OP, but some might be able to give you a few tips. What helped me, even with my sons father was to focus on his bad points "a lot" see him for what he is, remember all the shit times, when things get really bad, bite your tounge, go to your bedroom and punch the lights out of your pillows, go in the garden and scream!

Original poster
BigGripRequired · 23/05/2014 23:04

Thanks Tinks. I guess that is what makes it harder, there actually were no bad times really. Yip he was irritating on occasions but actually life was not that bad or so I thought. Some bickering but no arguing as such. Financially good; both professionals good jobs, lots of support, lovely house just wasn't enough. Or actually more precisely I wasn't enough.

OP posts:
avocadogreen · 23/05/2014 23:16

Totally get it. This happened to me 2 months ago, I guess I am currently in the not eatimg, drinking too much, back on the fags stage. So no advice really, jist understanding. Together for 15 years, 2 lovely kids,.we had what I thought was a happy relationship then suddenly he was gone.

Have you thought of counselling? I am thinking about going to relate on my own. Otherwise focusing on work and seeing people as much as possible is getting me through.

Oh, and watching endless episodes of The Good Wife on netflix. Have you ever seen it? Alicia Florrick is my idol Grin

Tinks42 · 23/05/2014 23:33

So he was perfect then was he? I don't think so. He had a hidden agenda, not so perfect huh..... You on the other hand was the better person.

Original poster
BigGripRequired · 23/05/2014 23:53

Hell no he wasn't perfect but are any of us? I know I am not. But actually it is not about him as such 'cause actually he doesn't matter a monkey's arse now. It is me - I need to to get over this for me. Else I will remain bitter and twisted with kids who end up hating me for the same.

Ah avocado sounds very familiar. I wore myself out doing stuff, subscribed to Netflix, acquired a fuck buddy. None of it helped Sad

We are heading to mediation (couple of specific issues); I however have my first counselling session next week. 'cause I am too scared of ads. And promised myself at 2 months in I wouldn't be in the same place at 12 and actually I very nearly am.

OP posts:
avocadogreen · 24/05/2014 00:01

hmm I think I need to acquire a fuck buddy

the counselling sounds a good step forward though.

AwayInAMangle · 24/05/2014 00:10

What helped me was to get a grip on my thoughts. This was done by forcing mself to stop agonising over past events and replying stuff in my head. If I caught myself thinking about things, I'd make change thoughts. Its really difficult at first to do so, but if you keep at it it really does work.

Also a visit to your GP perhaps?

Original poster
BigGripRequired · 24/05/2014 00:11

fuck buddy

Assuming aforementioned provides dinner, hair stroking & gin [outs self]

Just saying Grin

OP posts:
Mrscaindingle · 24/05/2014 00:13

I think you are being a bit too hard on yourself and need to give it more time. I am also nearly a year on from a split (also his choice and of course there is an OW) and we were also together for 19 years.
I am actually doing better these days but I am lucky in a way as ex lives abroad and so I do not have the added pain of seeing him regularly or having my kids visiting OW ( now that would make me really bitter)
I spent quite a bit of time focussing on the less than perfect bits about my ex and our relationship, according to Paul McKenna you can train your brain to fall out of love the same way that you fall in love and only see the good bits about someone.
You will get there and one day you will think about him and feel nothing, thats when you know you are over it.

Original poster
BigGripRequired · 24/05/2014 00:15

But how do you force yourself to stop Away. That is where I fail. What do you so? Sing loudly? Think about shoes? How? I manage for about 10 mins and then bang I am off again.

I am fine at work as busy and have to do stuff / make decisions so have no head space.

But outside of work I generally I just fill my head with angst and shite.

I have also discovered I don't really like my own company quite as much as I thought I did. A wee bit off careful what you wish for there I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGripRequired · 24/05/2014 00:25

Hello Mrs Dingle. Now if I think about him and him alone I am okay. I can think about him and her and am mostly okay, although some bits get me but not many. Thinking about him, her and my children - armageddon.

But I am pleased for you that thinks are getting better and you are moving on. I am sure that distance helps.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 24/05/2014 00:27

What you're doing is all very normal. It will get easier... it just takes "time" and no one can fast forward....

Mrscaindingle · 24/05/2014 06:08

How old are your children BigGrip ?

brokenhearted55a · 24/05/2014 06:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.